Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Not all drugs are cool, but one is dope

To whoever stole my thesaurus, you made my day bad. I hope bad things happen to you. You’re a bad person.

Cop – “Sir are your trafficking these children?”

Me – “No sir, they are my children.”

Cop – “ Then why are they screaming ‘HELP HELP, get me out!’ as loud as they can?”

Me – “Sorry, there was a fly in the car.”

Cop – “EWW, A FLY!!!”

We might appreciate window lickers more if they had squeegees for tongues.

I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.

Kale: i strengthen the immune system

Avocado: i’m a healthy fat

Quinoa: i provide fiber & protein

Deep Fried Twinkie: i cause diabetes

Me: six twinkies please

I’m being attacked 😭

Some people have a green thumb. My mom was like plant hospice. She helped potted plants pass on with dignity.

I confused the words “tinker” and “tinkle” and my neighbor no longer wants help with her computer.

Told my fiancée that I cook when I’m stressed. Tell me why this lady looks me in the eye and calls me a pressure cooker 🥲

Your food is my food, but my food is also my food even though I won’t eat it
-toddlers

[Me as a Realtor]

BUYERS: this is a great house, what’s the catch?
ME: Well, it is a bit.. [cant think of the word haunted] ghost encrusted

The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof

I don’t want flying cars, I want the ability to start again from my last save point

Son: We’re having chicken and rice for dinner?

Me: No. That’s for the dogs. Heat up some pizza rolls or something.

just got vinegar in my eye so I totally get it, girls who get vinegar in their eye

When it’s my time, I need one of you to promise me you’ll put a motion detector on my headstone that yells out “ouch you’re stepping on my foot,” to anyone who gets close. Please and thank you.

Just finished the first chapter of this novel. Tons of characters with the same name and really hard to follow.

Sir, that’s a phone book.

i’d give up everything to be a small anthropomorphic woodland animal wearing victorian clothes living in a little house in a meadow and my neighbour is a goose wearing a bonnet and my only worry is will my apple pie be ready for when mrs owl comes visit me for tea time

My kid wouldn’t eat it after he ordered it so I had to: A parents guide.

Meltdowns are what happens when you compartmentalize your thoughts, but forget to label them.

for dessert we’re having a discussion about why my girlfriend didn’t laugh at a joke i made 3 years ago

I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.

If I’m ever forced to go on silent retreat imma wear windbreakers and wet flipflops…If I have to suffer then so do you…Squeak squeak woosh woosh mf’ers

For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn’t realise they were for a baby.

If I was a bus driver and someone came driving like a manic up to my moving bus screaming “bomb” I’d probably hit the brakes and explode.

[Looking round a museum]
ME: Hey Patricia, have you seen this pterodactyl?

DATE: Yeah, but *smiles* you don’t pronounce the p

ME: Oh God I’m such an idiot! I feel stupid now, Atricia

Who could have predicted that allowing a a handful of billionaires to control the entire global communications system might turn out to be slightly problematic.

Some people are so fake there lock screens don’t recognise them