(Arrives at Topgolf bay for date night)
Wife: have you registered here before?
Matrix: idk, put my email in.
(“Osama bin Golfin” pops up on the screen)
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all these baby pumpkins drained of their spice and discarded behind a Starbucks
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Hell hath no fury like an old lady scolding you for going in the wrong direction down a one-way aisle at the grocery store.
Me: I can’t believe you read horoscopes, such garbage.
Her: You’re right. When are you shaving again?
Me: Not til after the playoffs..why?
[at the plastic surgeon] please doc help me my Barbie doll has appendicitis
reminder
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Never Never Never tell someone you are patient.
They will test you…
Serious question, why do rich people wear monocles? Like they can afford two lenses, am I right?
I was tired of my kids asking me to put the same 7 songs on for them 9,000 times a day, so I taught them how to do it themselves.
I am not a smart woman.
Her: Our youngest is 98 months.
Me: What’s that in human people years?
I left some new office rules in the break room of an office I don’t work at…
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My spouse is “attending” a virtual conference for the next few days. To help simulate the real thing, I’ll set out a picked-over tray of mini-muffins, soggy cut fruit, and some weak coffee, and then whisk them away just as he approaches the table.
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
FYI: I guess the goal of bobbing for apples is not who can drink all the water.
I tell people I broke my neck playing sports but it was actually from flicking my ponytail to unleash ancient curses.
My wife after pulling weeds… I want a goat
Waiter: would you like to hear our lunch specials?
Me: uh no. I’d like to eat them–
Waiter, choking me out: I. have. had. enough.
me, gasping: ᴵ. ᴴᵃᵛᵉⁿ’ᵗ. ᴴᵃᵈ. ᴬⁿʸ.
who called it oktoberfest instead of septembeer?
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
For someone who dislikes Bill Gates, my dad sure does dress a lot like him.
My drink of choice is vodka because I never recovered from those images of people stomping on grapes with their bare feet
the main reason men’s shirts have those little breast pockets is just in case their gf becomes a worm
No Grandma, a friend with benefits is not someone who lends you a cup of sugar.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa dept]
[pet therapy]
THERAPIST: ok slow
ME: *pets 2 dogs*
T: just 1
M: *pets 3 dogs*
T: Nurse, restrain him, he’s
M: *pets 4 dogs*
T: roverdosing
THIS IS NOT A FINANCE ACCOUNT. I DO NOT HAVE ANY TRADING ADVICE.
HEDGES-STOCKS IS MY SURNAME.
I attempted smoky eye makeup for a holiday party tonight, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight, so I’m going with that story.
[8am, phone rings]
Hotel Desk: Ma’am we’re going to be turning off the water for about 2 hours this morning.
Me: No worries, I have vodka.
My girlfriend said I never do anything to help so I hid her phone.
I’ll prove her wrong when I find it.
How do you cut ancient Rome in half?
With a pair of Caesars