Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not saying I drank a lot over the holidays, but my liver just went to an AA meeting without me.

A girl’s tinder bio said “I would die without food” uh okay me too

My Coworker Bryce lost his license and now has to ride his bike into work and he didn’t even laugh when I called him Brycycle

Prayers for my distraught 4yo whose pet leaf just blew away in a gust of wind

Fun fact: Malcolm X was not his birth name. He was originally Malcolm Twitter.

Mark Zuckerberg came up with the idea for Facebook when he was at a party & a racist uncle wrote a bible quote on a painting then poked him

hot girls be like I know a place and it’s this

Me: goodnight moon
Warren Moon: how did you get in my house?

My 5 stages of grief:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5. Are you gonna eat that?

Just got off 30 min phone call w a friend who has twin 2 yr olds, & even tho i havent had sex in a week I’m taking a morning after pill NOW.

I just found out that all the different colors in Fruit Loops are the same flavor, and now I don’t know what’s real anymore

villagers: BURN THE WITCH

me: you’re the reason your dad left

witch: omg

villagers [lowering torches] damn dude

deleted instagram because i’m sick of it and there is nothing on there that i want to see anymore. deleting my bank app for the exact same reason

“So You’ve Been Drinking and You Think You Can Dance?”

That is definitely a reality show I would watch.

{yard full of boys}
*pointing at milkshake

Exterminator: there’s your problem

I’ve decided to go out on the street tonight.

Can’t wait to be chased by the police.
At least a man will finally be chasing me.

I told my kid that the fish fossil was found 194 years ago. He asked if I’d found it. And that’s when he mysteriously disappeared…

I run from my car all the way to the front door of McDonald’s because fitness is a lifestyle

Me: God, please stop giving me your toughest battles

God: you literally just have to empty the dishwasher

ME: Hi I’d like to apply for a job as a contortionist

“When can you come in for an interview?”

ME: I’m flexible

My childhood was fairly normal and I still turned out like this.

Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.

reporter: “what inspired your theory of gravity”
isaac newton: “i fell off the toil-”
agent: [leans into mic] “an apple hit him on the head”

If you think someone has put a hex on you, Venmo me $800 and I’ll get rid of it.

My top 3 assumptions when doorbell rings:

1. Murderer
2. Police telling me everyone is dead
3. That book I ordered about positive thinking

My 6yo was mad I wouldn’t get him the puppy popsicles

We don’t have a dog

Karen is on the list for 2019 hurricane names. Managers all along the east coast are nervous.

Dr: your father is real sick
Woman: [sobbing] how long?
[her dad wheelies past on a bmx]
Dr: almost six yards that time