Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[gets exhausted after having sex for five minutes] “Go on without me”

Okay with female deers & drops of golden sun. But always felt that “La” deserved a better identity than “a note to follow So”

[first date]

Her: I’m really into literature.
Me: I love crime and punishment.
Her: Yes! Incredible book, right?
Me: … book?

In a dog eat dog world, the chocolate lab is the most delicious, yet poisonous of all breeds.

Your Tinder date welcomes you into their bedroom. They excuse themselves and go to the bathroom, leaving you alone on their bed. What is your next move?

A. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
B. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
C. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
D. All of the above

The urge to say “yeah you should do that”, especially when you have no clue.

Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute

Me: *reciting passage from The Satanic Bible*

Them: You idiot, what have you done? You WOKE the devil!

Lucifer: Intestines are just water slides for your poop

[Date]
(don’t let her know you’re an alien larva)

Her: I wonder where he is?
*I burst through her chest*
Me: Did you order yet? I’m starved

There was a cricket on my toilet seat so I just backed out awkwardly. Lock the door next time, bro.

Couldn’t think of the word unscented so I said unflavored smell.

Any other person cuts their thumb: “Expletive!”

Me, a Catholic person: “Expletive! To thee do we cry, poor banished children of Eve!”

why’d they call it a fly swatter and not a splatula

[dog dies in a movie]
Me: *crying*

[human dies in a movie]
Me: *crying* why did they have to kill that dog earlier

I’m that aunt who laughs when my brother is scolding his kids and now we’re all in trouble.

Deodorant? I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it me. Complete strangers sometimes

Talk to me, like lovers do
Judge: You wanted to approach the bench to say that?

Me, checking my to-do list before I had kids

(Just overheard in the dentist waiting room)

Kid: Mrs Davies taught us about negotiataners

Mum: You mean negotiations?

Kid: *considers* Let’s agree on negotiatans

Hey baby, do you like tan lines? Because I fell asleep with a badminton racquet on my face again and

Cabin 1: *coughs

Cabin 2: What’s the matter with him?

Cabin 3: Cabin Fever.

my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]

me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT

I’m 50. All celebrity news looks like this:

‘CURTAINS FOR ZOOSHA? K-SMOG AND BATBOY CAUGHT FLIPPING A GRUNT’

My favorite part about reading The New Yorker in public is looking around to make sure people see I’m reading The New Yorker in public.

put ur hair in a man-bun. now put ur beard in a man-bun too. congratulations ur now a hamburger. be free, hamburger man.

In a hotel room. The dog’s growling and whimpering. My wife’s worried the neighbours will think we’re having sex.

me *eating a piece of cake*
trainer: Where did you get that?

just checked my bank account and all I can say is who wants foot pics

me: WHEN I WAS YOUNG WE HAD TO PAY FOR LONG DISTANCE CALLS
a young person: that sounds terrible
me: IT WAS

I’m suspicious of people who don’t like dogs…But I totally trust a dog when it doesn’t like a person.