Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I know it’s so bad but all the other restaurant names were taken. Anyways welcome to Feastiality can I get you guys started on some drinks

Keep this between us, but I’ve snuck Don’t Speak lyrics into every relationship argument I’ve ever had.

Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.

you can’t prove that threatening a toilet doesn’t work

One time when my 10yo was 18 months I took him to the library for story time and he rolled his toy car under a bookcase and yelled “oh shit”. The lady stopped reading and everyone turned to look at me and I didn’t go back to story time at the library again

I don’t like to sit down for bad news because I never want to ruin sitting down.

Mario: can I buy you a drink?

Peach: ew get a life

Mario: *eats mushroom* …now?

Anytime a guy says “that’s what she said” always reply with “yeah, but not to you”.

Sup girl, I hear u like bad boys
*I open the wrong side of juice carton*
*evil spirit flies out*
Oh, so that’s why they say don’t do that

Telling my boss I wasn’t drunk at work really backfired. I probably should have waited until he asked.

Ominous music should play when you meet the wrong ppl.

My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.

[skydiving, first jump]
INSTRUCTOR: everyone ready?
EAGLE: yes.
HAWK: check.
SPARROW: ready.
PENGUIN: this is a really bad idea.

ME: On the one hand, I have this weird rash. And on the other hand

DATE: ??

ME: It’s on both hands, I should probably see a doctor

To everyone with a motorcycle: your motorcycle is very loud & we are all very proud of you.

Jesus probably figured things out when everyone kept calling it the Last Supper.

I’m not like other girls. I am Mothman.

The only time that I get sucked in bed is when there’s a mosquito in the room.

I call loading the dishwasher “quantum physics” because no one else in this house knows how to do that either.

You sure about that?

Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what parents do.

My bank doesn’t feel I’m doing enough to clear my debt but I think they should give me more credit.

Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel

I miss the days when people thought I was gross for liking cottage cheese. Now you guys are blending it up and eating it with raw Brussels sprouts and mustard? You need to cool it. Right now.

My favorite Bible stories are where women are villains for things like picking fruit or getting their boyfriend a better haircut.

*flirting poorly at the grocery store*

me: so do you eat food often?

Her: [asking about movie I’m watching] Is he her husband?

Me: I’m not sure.

Her: Is that other guy her brother?

Me: Maybe?

Her: Haven’t you been watching this?

Me: Yes, but I didn’t know there would be a test.

One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.

“Haiku is 5 syllables, 7 syllables, then 5 syllables”

No, it’s literally 2 syllables

I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.