*Arrives at work 2 hrs late
Boss: HR wants to see you about your behavior
Me: Well, I literally just got here so it couldn’t have been me
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[on knees]
“Oh God… please make this hangover go away.”
[from heavens]
“Due to the Saint Patrick’s Day holiday, we are experiencing abnormally high call volumes. Please hold, and God will answer your prayers in the order in which they were received.”
My husband hates pickles so much he put consuming them in front of him as a dillbreaker in our pre-nup
DON’T make this weird…
(I whisper in your ear, as I pet your eyebrows)
My dog, introducing himself to our neighbor’s dog. I’m not gonna tell him.
[pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend nfl players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators
Just got a Life Alert bracelet. Now, if I get a life, I’ll immediately be alerted…
One day you’re young and the next you can’t duck under the garage door without tripping the sensor.
Guy: If u won lotto, what’d u get?
Me: A cat sitter
G: To take extra good care of Sox?
M: *pictures a cat in a suit taking care of me* Yes
Them: Holy shit. How high are you?
Me: *6 minutes later* No, you are.
Ladies call me “the turkey sandwich” because I seem bland and boring at first, but then I continue to be boring.
OH GOOD!
My child is tall enough to reach light switches.
Ok guys, I have 28 minutes to kill before I casually need to respond to a text message.
What’s up?
Text from teenage son: Why did you buy me a left handed belt?
I don’t usually complain about the way people decorate their cubicles Tina but you should know my entire family was killed by a dachshund.
*Brings axe to slumber party*
“Oops. I thought you said ‘lumber party'”
*Knew the whole time*
*Waits until they’re asleep*
*Chops down tree*
[trying to get out of date]
ME: Oh sorry, I have a missed call from 911
HIM: That’s not how-
ME: *mouthing* IT’S AN EMERGENCY
Sorry I panicked and told your kids that Santa is able to visit every house in one night because he does meth.
My boss said our teamwork at work should be as good as our teamwork at home with our spouses and all I could think was what kind of crazy marriage does he have?
The key to being remembered isn’t delivering some big all encompassing piece of wisdom, my grandpa taught me that pinching the tail of a shrimp helps you get all the meat out and now he briefly lives again each time I go shrimp mode (happens a lot)
ME [giving a PowerPoint presentation]: *points so hard*
Did a Yoga for Beginners class this morning. What comes before the beginner class?
I get a kick out of people who think because I make Americana music I’m supposed to dress like a damn horse repairman or some shit
Some people can start a task and then just finish it instead of trying to do a hundred things at once like a squirrel on crack
Cows are just acoustic lawnmowers.
that earthquake in LA was actually a huge crowd of white girls rushing into a wal-mart to buy a green t-shirt last minute
Text your husband “I know your secret” and he’ll bring you home so many awesome presents!
You don’t even need to know what the secret is!
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me: moves 1 centimetre
Husband: I’ll take a bowl of ice-cream while you’re up
Me: How do you guys want your steaks cooked?
Kids: Cook them so they taste like chicken nuggets.
[in ambulance]
“Can you describe the snake that bit you?”
Yes it was like an angry rope