[Arrives at work dressed as a sexy kitty]
Boss: *points to memo on desk* “It says no Halloween costumes”
Me: *slowly pushes memo off desk*
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My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
[god in a bad mood but insisting he’s fine]
I wanna make some changes to what we made yesterday
“but the spider is done”
Im adding 6 legs
Him: do you believe in miracles?
Her: well you’re here, aren’t you?
Him: *tearing up* oh honey, that’s—
Her: *under breath* and I’ve been adding arsenic to your food for weeks, so
Me: [picking up chicken with chopsticks] this is hard
Her: why not try a fork?
Me: [picking up a fork with chopsticks] this is even harder
When my husband annoys me I like to say, “The doctor said I need to lose 10 pounds. What do you think?”
[cats at shelter]
Where’s Frank?
“Got adopted 3 weeks ago. Gone soft too. Healthcare plan. Hypoallergenic blanket. Goes by Mr. Boots now.”
normal people kissing:
•sensual
•butterflies in ur stomach
•ur the only two people in the worldpeople with glasses kissing:
•clink
•clank
•ok lets take them off
•wait where’d u go
•u feel cold
•oh that’s a lamp
Me: *drops toddler off at gym daycare*
DC: Which room will you be working out in?
Me: None of them, I just need to take a shower.
ME: [in santa costume, covered in chimney soot] that was hard. how does santa do it
WIFE: well santas not real, hun
ME: [drops cookie] WHAT
If Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you tie enough balloons to your house, you will eventually find a dog.
I wanted to go see the Queen reunion concert but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
FRIEND: Women like guys that are mysterious.
{Later}
DATE: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: No.
There’s a window in my living room that wasn’t there yesterday. No matter what time it is, when I look out, all I see is a vast and eternal night. Something gaunt and yellow-eyed comes by and peers in, occasionally tries to open the window. I’m gonna get it with the spray bottle.
You know how sharks die if they ever stop swimming?
It’s the same with my mother in law and talking.
Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride
My funeral better have a fkn merch table
He didn’t know that balancing your knife on the edge of the sink means you may make a second sandwich, so now we have some serious talking to do.
Him: So whattayou wanna do?
Her: I dunno
Him: So…You wanna play video games?
Her: No!
Him: So…You wanna watch me play video games?
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke!
Alexa: You’re definitely going to finish that home improvement project this weekend.
One time I got so mad at capitalism I paid off all my credit cards
*Opens a window and the wind blows 84 hamburger wrappers from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
Do you think in a parallel universe they just call it parking?
if you ever wanna impress a girl just bring a baby on your date and then basically just outperform the baby at everything it’s really easy
Ever get up to tell your boss something and then decide to email it to him instead because it would look more like you’ve been doing something?
When you’re drunk do a selfie with your bestie
Super irresponsible to host a murder mystery party when real murders go unsolved
Yes of course the covid exposure notices are scary, but nothing shakes me to the core like an old fashioned classroom head lice letter.
I’m not upset that you stopped my sneeze. I’m upset because you made my face look stupid for no reason.
It’s all fun and games until you realize he understands Spanish.
I grew up living paycheck to paycheck , but through hard work and perseverance i now live direct deposit to direct deposit.