Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it’s like they had those babies for nothing.

fiancé: please take off my bra and my skirt

me: *seductively takes off her bra and her skirt*

fiancé: if i catch you wearing my stuff again, i swear to god i’m gonna murder you

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?

ME [as a kid]: someday, I can go buy beer legally

ME [now]: i just wanna buy marshmallows

Just saw an Orca shoplifting at Target

Social norms ?
We grew up thinking it’s perfectly normal that Tom and Jerry were always naked and only wore swimsuits when at the beach.

Me when the elevator tries to leave without me

Say what you want about Korn, but they really cornered the incorrectly spelled vegetable band name market.

Are the people in charge of naming the Valspar paints ok?

“Look, I’m just saying that maybe adding a little vodka might be good for business.”

-me, to these kids running this lemonade stand

Guantanamo Bae

Can’t get worse than that 😭 😭

I would love to have children one day. Two days maximum

I went to the gym and ended up watching tennis for an hour.

I blame ESPN for my eventual demise.

How did they call Deadpool’s dog ‘Dogpool’ when ‘Deadpoodle’ was right there.

Just killed a spider IN MY BED!! So if you need me, I’ll be burning down my home and looking for a new place to live.

Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.

OMINOUS CHANTING
*pentagram starts to glow*
YES! RISE DARK LORD! RISE!
*Satan tosses pillow through portal*
UNGH 5 MORE MINUTES!!!

neurosurgeon: *removes my brain to blow on it and put it back in*

Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill
Do it with mashed potatoes, then play keyboard for the aliens

… I think my cough medicine expired

If you can’t tell the difference between “erotic” & “exotic” then zoo keeping is definitely not for you.

The grass looks greener on the other side because it’s fertilized with bullshit.

Beyoncé: Ok now ladies let’s get in formation.
Ladies: Information about what?
Beyoncé: Dammit, ladies, we went over this.

the hardest part of taking nudes is cleaning your room

Reading my shopping list and finding “a shit ton of oats” clearly in goat handwriting again

16: I hate old people.

Me: That’s where you and I are different.

16: You like old people?!

Me: No, I hate everybody.

Does anyone know where I can hire a pirate ship, a sturdy crew and a young boy who can read haunted treasure maps? The reason? It’s… for a podcast I’m doing.

*returns copy of “how to stop procrastinating” at high school reunion*

Me (naked): This feels amazing.
My boss: Maybe you should take the day off.

“What do you think you’re doing?”
“I was just-“
“Where am I, Jessica?”
“In the basket.”
“And what does that mean?”
“It’s YOU time?”
“It’s ME time. What else?”
“No touching?”
“No touching.”