Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My friends just had a baby and they named him Frank. He’s 3 days old and he can fix a leaky tap.

Me: Screams into the void

Void: screams back

Me: Screams into void again

Void:

Me:

Void: welp this is awkward, but I was actually screaming to the person behind you

me: hey there’s a bloody oar in the water

friend: that’s foreboding

me: I know what they’re for

I talk a lot of shit for someone who often searches for their phone when I’m watching something on it.

Unfortunately for Jane and Skipper, the hypnotist forgot to bring them out of the trance.

Watching all these killer whales attacking boats is giving me an orcasm. I’m sorry.

(Man hobbles into grocery store using a cane)
5: HEY MOM THAT MAN IS USING A WALKING STICK BC HIS BONES AREN’T STRONG & HE’LL DIE SOON RIGHT

remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s

barbecue implies the existence of a carolecue and possibly a debecue

Walked into the bathroom and it sounded like someone was powerlifting in one of the stalls. That, or an exorcism.

Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.

Stranger: No.

“How do you talk to an angel”

Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?

“How do you hold her close to where you are”

Me: Aren’t most angels men?

you can be anything when you grow up. For instance i am very tired

this lady on tiktok shared that her daughter was getting bullied at school so she set up a meeting with the bully’s parents and the bully. the bully’s mum was rude so she beat up the mum and told the kid “i’ll beat up your mum every day until you stop touching my child.” 😭😭😭

Sometimes I think I’m stupid then I remind myself: Would a stupid person spend years of their life on twitter? Yeah I didn’t think so…

Ours is the house that always has something on the roof that was never intended to be airborne

Him: I have feelings for you.
Me: I’d rather you have cake for me.

No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.

First woman that gave birth to twins was prolly like “????????”

Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now

Do people who pay $20 for corn mazes know that you can go get lost in Ikea for only the price of three days of meatballs?

It’s gonna be interesting to see who the aliens enslave and who they let go free. I for one have always thought aliens to be wonderful and superior in every way.

Me: *annoyed that 3yo never wants to get in the bath and then never wants to get out of bath*

Also me: *procrastinates getting in the shower because comfy and lazy and then doesn’t want to get out of the shower because comfy and lazy*

[inventing potato chips]

CEO: they’re so fragile, how will they be packaged?

Inventor: in a sturdy box

CEO: nah, let’s go with a bag

Inventor: but they’ll get crushed!

CEO: fill the bag with air

Inventor:

CEO: really strong air

[interviewing babysitter]

me: how much do you charge?

ipad:

ME: I don’t think a Muppet “West Side Story” works because it would start to assign race/class value to the different types of Muppets, and that doesn’t at all align with their established worldview

THERAPIST: ok so like I said we’re gonna up your dosage