[arrives in heaven]
how’d you die?
me: i was sitting in a beanbag chair and my house caught on fire
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Hell hath no fury like a child who found you threw away bubble wrap
You tell me to get off my high horse? Why dont you tell the damn horse to stop getting high all the time.. His drug problem isn’t my problem
My wife is out of town so I learned how to do laundry who knew clothes didn’t fold themselves?!?
*rips finished page from adult coloring book*
*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*
What
Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?
My doctor called and said they couldn’t use the stool sample that I sent in and asked if I could give them another and I’m like “I thought you’d never ask!”
This day is looking better already!
So can we start calling them Traylor now?
The real world does feel a bit like the state of Batman comics right now.
You beat one grinning evil, two more show up, and while you’re fighting them, the first one is resurrected and pretty soon you’re banging the cat lady.
i would never put up a lost dog poster. im not letting the whole neighborhood know i fumbled
Mirror: If you break me, it’s 7yrs bad luck.
Condom: LOL
Family: You never call anymore.
Me: I’m calling now?
Fam: Now’s not a good time.
Me: When should I call?
Fam: Anytime.
I don’t really WANT to make bad choices; but I got here late and all the good choices were already taken.
Me: I never lie.
Also me: Yes, i’ve read and agree with the privacy policy.
Drama Llama is what they dubbed me in college. Not because of my theatrics, I earned the name by spitting.
I’m haunted by unanswered questions, like after the clock struck one and the mouse ran down, what happened next
Me: How are you?
Neighbor: Can’t complain.
You?Me: I can and do.
ME: I’ll have the burger.
WAITER: And how do you like your burger?
ME: I don’t know. You haven’t brought it to me yet.
I came across 3 snakes while mowing the yard today, but those of you in North America already know that because you heard me scream
In my 20’s: I want to find true love.
In my 40’s: I just want a toaster that gets me.
if you want all your cereal boxes and chip bags to look like they were opened by a wild monkey, kids might be for you.
A good way to make friends is to crawl under the bathroom stall quickly before they can get away
a pretty good bit cats do is be insanely shocked and aggrieved when you do something normal like get up from your desk to go to the kitchen
They say a symptom of Covid is loss of taste.
Looking back at my exes? I think I’ve been infected for years
Make friends at the park by telling strangers that you died in this exact spot 200 years ago today
Spent 5 minutes enjoying the smoothest shave of my life before realizing I forgot to take the plastic cover off the razor.
Just burnt 2,000 calories…
That’ll be the last time I bake a pizza while I’m asleep!
You overpack for vacation and most of the stuff you don’t even wear, but your clothes need a vacation too. They seem to enjoy it.
The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.
me (no beers): i will never read from the human skin bound book of the dead. i will not chant it’s dark messages.
me (four beers, smiling): hell, lemme see that book of the dead, brother. what’s one rune reading among friends?