*Arrives in Hell*
Devil: Here, help these 5th graders with common core math
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My son just told me he wasn’t a huge chicken fan and I told him I too prefer normal sized chickens and then my wife called the cops.
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
“dont get conned into spendin our lottery money”
i wont
[calls wife back]
will 2 sharks fit in our pool?
“NO”
ok
[to salesman]
one shark pls
[high school reunion]
“Hey aren’t u the kid who used to lie and throw people under the bus all the time?”
No that was Tyler.
[watching as my wife throws out a box of miscellaneous cords] no! my legacy
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!”
*passionately grabs your face and starts French kissing your forehead*
Dragons don’t breathe fire they breathe air like us they breathe air they just produce fire which isn’t the same as breathing fire no stop I’m not done stop taking the microphone I’m the best man you have to let me finish my
The unused seconds from all the microwaves get added to the lifespan of Betty White.
Airport receptionist: anything to declare?
Me: how bout these guns? *flexes*
Her: OH GOD HE’S GOT GUNS!
Me: wait.. I was..
Her: HELP!! AGH!
law professor: you’re currently failing your ethics class
me: *slides a $20 across the desk* how about now
Opened closet in hotel to check for murderers while simultaneously realizing I was unprepared should one be in there.
USPS clerk: does the package contain any perishables?
me: ha ha no, he’s definitely dead
I threw a parking cone at someone. I am the drunkest person in the United states.
A: Black coffee, no cream please.
B: Sadly, we don’t offer cream, sir. May I suggest no milk instead?
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breastmilk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
“Get a puppy,” they said.
“It will be fun,” they said.I got 4 hours of sleep.
*swims up to girl in pool* so do you.. actually this is quite deep jesus *just disappears*
Instead of premarital counseling, engaged couples should be required to do a premarital home renovation project.
“I’m gonna sleep in tomorrow.”
Every child ever: No you’re not.
last night i was drinking a non-alcoholic beer and the baby wanted to try it so i let her and she loved it and kept going back for more which would normally be fine but we were at a brewery so the optics were kinda like, not great
at work when it’s slow and everyone’s mad i like to say “at least we have our health and are surrounded by friends” and everyone gets more mad.
Finding out that my kids take the “freeze” “unfreeze” game seriously might be the greatest moment of my life
*wonders how long they’ll stay frozen for*
[first day as a waiter]
me: do you have any questions
customer: *pointing at menu* how is this prepared
me: we laminate sheets of paper listing the food choices
Struck by her beauty, Issac Newton leans in for a kiss. He receives an equal, but opposite, reaction.
[Date]
“I’m going to use the restroom *leans over table* and I counted my onion rings, there’s six.”
The Dark Web implies the existence of a Medium and dare I say Blonde Roast Web.
The average Apple employee works 6 hours longer a day than an Apple battery.
It’s not a good date unless it ends with you slowly walking off into the ocean like Godzilla.
People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.
I just overheard someone threaten that they were going to “put their foot down”. What kind of threat is that unless you’re Godzilla?