Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

TSA agent: Ma’am you’re alarming in your abdomen.
Me, starving: You can hear that?!?
Them: …
Me: …
Them: It’s the drawstrings on your pants.
Me: They’re hungry too?!?

Me: These five words I swear to you, when you breathe I want-

Him: Stop singing to the mustard

Me: *stands up and closes fridge* Whatever.

me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose

plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears

me: I need to speak to someone else then

[mini golfing]
CADDIE: for the 12th hole in a row, ur putter sir
ME: thank u
DATE: why did u bring a caddie

Personal question. #JustSaying

Be the change!!

*loosely falls to the floor*

*quarter spins*

the funniest thing i’ve ever said was on april 11th 2009 to my dad’s cat and no one else was around to hear it. a car horn honked and he hopped off my bed and ran downstairs and i said “oh shit is your ride here” and laughed alone to myself for like five minutes straight

In my neighborhood, when things are left by the curb, they’re free to take.

Officer: “Ma’am please step out of the Amazon truck.”

FINDERS KEEPE *gets tased*

ADVERSARY: I’ll beat you at your own game

ME: so crying is competitive now?!

HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes

ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree

If you enjoy eating cereal with the 8 drops of milk that was left in the carton, then kids may be for you.

I don’t know what to say to a woman when she is angry, but it’s definitely not, “Whatever, Pippi Wrongstocking.”

“At your cervix, m’lady”

– me as an OBGYN and also just me

Pro Tip: wash your hands after you shake mine

I’m only dating bad texters from here on out.

Who knew life could be so quiet and….peaceful.

Professor: most of you won’t pass this course

Me: cool so you’re like, Real shitty at your job

The song said “Everybody Wang Chung” and apparently, I’m the only one who can follow directions in the produce section of this grocery store

My dad shouted “shut up idiots” to the cats.

I told him “You’re speaking English to a cat. You’re the idiot. You have to meow at them.”

I hate when I drop my pen on the floor and it’s slightly out of reach so I leave it there forever.

I take a prop microphone wherever I go. If a reporter sticks a mic in my face during a tragedy, I can pull out my own and return the favor.

me: Go back!
uber driver: Did I miss the turn?
me [already in the front seat trying to find the station that was playing Taylor Swift]

I accidentally poured too much hot sauce onto my lunch and damn if my life excitement didn’t just increase tenfold

To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.

It appears that late last night someone broke into the house and ate all the ice cream in the freezer. I’ve volunteered to lead the investigation but I doubt we’ll ever find the guy who did it

My long legs mean I can emerge gracefully from an SUV. After that, every step looks like I was just released from a zero gravity experiment.

[camping]

“Dad I’m afraid a raccoon is gonna come in my tent and eat me”

-don’t be silly. It’ll probably be a bear. Sleep tight.

non-violent communication is so important in a relationship! instead of:
“you never take out the trash”
try:
“i FEEL like the spreadsheet i’ve kept for the last six months indicates you only took the trash out 3.2% of the time”

My Transformers name would be Past Her Prime.

if harambe happened today it would be like the 40th thing down in the news. it wouldn’t even make the ticker