Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I love these 90-minute department meetings. It’s like a thrilling live performance of an email

Ok I have a confession…. When I was 10 I use to get hungry during the church service and I would sneak to the kitchen and heat up the sausage biscuits they would have in the fridge for Sunday school. I didn’t know they kept inventory. They said 100 went missing in a month 🫠

*holds up bread* this is my body
*holds up wine* this is my blood
*holds up fire* and this is my mixtape

you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays

Google, Microsoft and Disney are
among suitors for Twitter

Will it be

Twoogle ?
Twindows ?
The Wonderful World of Tweets ?

Be prepared

Ritually cleansing* the new house

*taking down the previous owner’s live laugh love decals

[opening birthday presents]
me: …is this another dead cat?

schrödinger: *way too excited* we don’t know until you open it!

Every day can be sparkly if you stick a fork into a socket.

I could start my day without coffee, but I like to say words, and put on clothes

I’m experimenting with how many apples I need to eat a day to keep EVERYONE away, whatever their profession.

A lot of infant toys promise to improve motor skills, yet I’ve never seen a baby work on a car.

I’m not falling for those “ancestry tests.” If the government wants my DNA they’re going to have to get it the old fashioned way, from underneath the fingernails of a dead drifter I buried in the woods.

My girlfriend’s daughter was laying across my legs.

Me: What am I a pillow now?

Her: Yep, and pillows don’t talk.

I think we’re bonding.

Me:I gotta go home. Im bleeding & my computers broken

Boss:looks like u just slammed ur head thru the computer screen

Me:what is this CSI?

My new stove has to be cleaned before the first use so I guess it’s the microwave from now on

me: I won two tix in the car on the way home today!
husband: cool, what for?
me: Speeding and Failure To Maintain A Lane.

*shows up to date with broken nose*
“What happened?”
Hurt myself playing football
“How?”
Threw the controller at a wall and it bounced back

I get it, mayonnaise. I am also disgusting yet liked by many.

ㅤ

[hit & run crime scene]
me: judging from the treads, it looks like the perp deliberately swerved into the vic

cop: sir, you can keep referring to yourself in the 3rd person but we have you on tape leaving the scene AND returning

me: criminals, when will they ever learn amirite?

Me as a lawyer: your honor, stfu cause you wasn’t even there

I do this weird thing where I feel fabulous then I have to get out of bed

A dog walks into a bar. Then a bank. Then the dry cleaners. This is a dog world. Way to be productive, dog. Try to do the bar last next time

Her: If you look up immature in the dictionary you’ll see a picture of yourself!

Me: Oh I’m immature? I’m not the one with pictures in my dictionary Karen!

Become ungovernable.

We’re going to have 27 people over for Thanksgiving this year. I’m going to earn a little extra money by setting up a paywall on my Wi-Fi.

*runs into san francisco restaurant* THE KALE WASN’T LOCALLY SOURCED
*sound of 100s of ubers smashing into each other outside restaurant*

As founder and CEO of YOLO Guaranteed, my first product launch will be fishnet parachutes.

Friend: What have you been watching lately?

Me: Zoom

When I retire I’m going to run from office.