Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[undercover FBI agent steps out of his surveillance van, knocks on my front door] do you ever stop eating?

today, on father’s day, i’m thinking about how my dad escaped three wars and worked as a janitor only to see his bloodline die out bc his son discovered menswear forums and spent the next 20 years arguing about pants

Wanna hear a joke?

Sleep.

I know, I don’t get it either.

I would make a good cat because I also like to pause in the middle of a fight to lick my own shoulder real fast

My toddler is asking all her friends if they like cake. If they say yes, she takes them off her birthday party invite list because she doesn’t want to share her cake. I’m torn between extreme pride and anger that I never thought of this myself

My first day as a coal miner is going so well!! I’m so glad that damn bird finally shut up haha

I put on a blue vest and walked out of Lowe’s with 9 hammers

I downloaded Google Wallet but there was no money in that one either. wtf

It’s so annoying when you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them and they don’t accept your friend request.

I took my birthday off of all my social media accounts to see who remembered it. So I got messages from my mother-in-law, the place that does my colonoscopy, and the bank.🤣

No thanks, NASCAR. If I wanted to spend 8 hrs watching a car drive around in a big circle, I’d go on a road trip with my mom.

sign of the times 🖊

there was another, tinier cement truck inside

[neighbourhood watch meeting]

john: i have some disturbing news, we have a cold-blooded killer in our community.

suzy: omg who could it be?

lizard: *basking in the sun* yea omg who could it be.

Thursday, 4:01pm

“Still there.”
“Yep.”
“Looks blue.”
“It certainly does.”
“Wet too.”
“Totally.”
“See you next week?”
“Count on it.”

Now that people have become accustomed to not knowing whether a person is having a phone conversation or just talking to themselves as they walk down the street I find myself doing a lot more public ranting.

me: im fine, everything’s fine
my search history: i beg to differ

Do angry tweeters know about prune juice?

Remembering the time the hubs and I bought a bunch of candy for Halloween but no kids came to our door so we just drove around town begging kids to come get it from our car….Probably coulda used another brainstorming sesh on that one

Wiggle is the best of all rooms.

One more week not killing my basil plant so I’m a farmer now

The audacity per square inch in a 3 year old is unmatched at any age.

judge: 99 yrs
me: is it cos i called ur gavel a justice hammer?
judge: no that actually helped
me: killing then
judge: yeah the killing

Amazon Prime: Free 2-Day shipping

Amazon Subprime: Loads package into trebuchet and shoots it in the general direction of your house

Amazon PrimePrime: Lets you live in the warehouse

Bro just recorded the rarest moment in history

Me: If you could sleep with —

Wife: Ryan Reynolds!

Me: –the window opened a little bit, I would appreciate it.

Me: *just died* I can finally rest without my kids waking me up for dumb shit

Son using Ouija board: HEY MA

Accidentally typed ‘Edgar Allan Pie’ and now I’m in the mood for a sullen and morose dessert

early man: made primitive tools from stone

late man: tries to sneak in without his boss noticing

Mom: here comes the plane!

Baby: *seinfeld voice* what’s the DEAL with airplane food!?