Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Judge “The defendant must answer in his own voice.”
Dummy “This is my own voice.”
Ventriloquist “I’d like to request separate lawyers.”

Maybe I forgot to text back. Maybe it’s Maybelline.

I went to clean my kids bathroom and I’m 99% sure they shoot their toothpaste out of a cannon

That moment you realize “The Beatles” is a pun.

*Rolls window down*
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: is it because I’m literally running down the street pretending to be a car?

16: They asked me for my email.

12: Email? That’s like something only moms use!

16: Ewww, I know!

*how my kids take a dig at me without even trying to take a dig at me

I received a bank alert text for suspicious activity. I was buying fruit.

[sitting in van]

Robber 1: Ready?

Robber 2: Let’s do this!

Me: How do I…*trying to open egg container of pantyhose*…open this?

me:[drinking from a human skull]

him: is that full of blood?

me: don’t be gross [forgetting if his name is Robert or Roger] Robgert.

SHAGGY: what did the vet say you have

SCOOBY DOO: rabies

SHAGGY: zoinks i didn’t even know you could get pregnant

Guy down the street wanted to borrow a wrench so I asked him adjustable, box or open ended, he said the adjustable one you borrowed six months ago.

Just shattered the neighbour’s window trying to separate two frozen burger patties with a butter knife.

told my husband I needed a compliment before bed and he called me “steadfast and chaste” I….

He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.

The most disappointing sentence in the human language is “This next song is off of our new album”.

Whenever someone says they have “a thing” for me, I secretly hope it’s a pony.

3yo told me to watch her show, sat me on the living room couch, asked if I’d like a drink, brought me a fake glass of wine, said “the show is about to begin,” hid in the wings, then returned and whispered discretely that my children were not behaving and I’d have to leave.

*at a family reunion, jesus pours a drink and hands it to santa claus*
so, how are we related again?

I need money in a hurry. How quickly does lotto pay out? Also, what are the winning numbers?

whole milk is 100% milk. 2% milk is 2% milk and 98% also milk. skim milk is 0% milk but somehow also 100% milk. hope this helps

*stops midway* wait….did you say shrek or shark

-me as a tattoo artist

ME: I have zero interest in owning a parrot.

CLERK: This parrot is 80% off.

ME: I will take 4 parrots.

Me: Are you going to travel by ship to the new world?

Husband: Huh?

Me: Are you going to the witch stoning?

Husband: What?

Me: Are you going to grab your musket and join the minute men?

Husband:

APOLOGISE NOW!!!

Had pizza for every meal, just one piece. Breakfast, lunch, snack, dinner. Four pieces total, but I’m 700 calories over budget which makes me want to eat the other four.

Either my 1 year old found the stash of markers or she head-butted a rainbow.

The idea of a fight club with rules is ridiculous. My fight club can’t even keep track of the snack chart.

You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.

The best part about shopping at Trader Joes is that the cashier reacts to every item they scan like you came up with it and grew it yourself

I’m invited to a wedding this weekend.

I have two days to come up with a disease or cut off a finger.