*arrives in Las Vegas for first time at age 36*
Me: (in taxi on the Strip) Oh hell yes there’s a Walgreens AND a CVS next to my hotel.
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JOKER ENDING EXPLAINED! those names were the people who worked on the film
Forget sexy talk. I want breakfast talk. Describe those waffles to me nice and slow.
Me: if it’s a boy let’s call him Barry
Her: ok
Waiter: good evening
Me: good evening Barry
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
Me: Just a woman looking for a connection in this thermal nuclear apocalypse.
Guy: Hey-
Me: Not you.
Dude, the fact that I called YOU to bail me out of jail is quite the compliment, so let’s dial back that “It’s 4 am!” attitude, mmkay?
I’ve already had 3 people ask if I have enough wine to last me through the hurricane. Beginning to think I may have a reputation.
Whenever I work out, I wear a push-up bra so I can do more push-ups. If I didn’t, it’d be so embarrassing and people would laugh at me.
Women wanted him, men wanted to be him, geese were skeptical
The best kind of Sundays are the ones where you thought you finished the cake but then you find more cake
“Be careful when you follow the Masses.
Sometimes the ‘M’ is silent.”
The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.
Me: *pressed against glass* they can’t keep us apart, they can’t deny our love, you’re my lobster
Aquarium owner: *into walkie talkie* security
Me: *being dragged away* WAIT FOR ME LEONARDO DA PINCHI
“Just this one more episode.” you said, and all the voices in your head laughed and laughed, and slapped their knees.
[cashier training, day 1]
“Be sure to comment on everything a customer buys. They love that.”
What she said: Honey, I have this GREAT idea.
What I heard: Honey, I have this EXPENSIVE idea.
“My first wife didn’t have a gag reflex”
Wow that’s amazing
“Yeah she never laughed at any of my jokes”
My financial advisor recommended I join a doomsday cult.
ONLY text me in an emergency. Like my car’s shooting flames from the trunk, one of my exes dies eventfully, or if someone thinks I’m sexy.
*neil degrasse tyson scoffing at his keyboard*
this bar is not in space
Don’t know if my mother-in-law is talking about a Netflix show she likes or a family member she hates and she’s so deep into the story I don’t think she knows either.
If we get to have sex with our valentines on Valentine’s Day I can’t wait until Presidents’ Day.
Shoo shoo! 😂
No thank you, shower sex. I’ll just step out of the shower and injure myself the old fashioned way.
If I weren’t supposed to bring my cat, the wedding invite would say that, right?
Unfortunately, Superman won’t be able to fight Dracula this evening…
.
.
.
.
.
.
He won’t go near the crypt tonight.
My background check bounced.
Kid at the park just told me it’s her birthday today. I asked her how old she is and she said five and a half. Story absolutely crumbling
“I can’t believe I own a Tesla!” I’m so sorry, is there anything I can do to help?