*arrives in Las Vegas for first time at age 36*
Me: (in taxi on the Strip) Oh hell yes there’s a Walgreens AND a CVS next to my hotel.

You Might Also Like


I was kicked out of mime school once. I hadn’t put the safety lock on and my finger guns went off. The whole class took cover in their boxes


The worst part about working from home is when your coworkers clog the toilet


Bad credit? No credit? First time buyer? First time baby? No legs? 8 legs? You a spider? Are you a Spider trying to buy a house?


*eats hotdog like an ear of corn to avoid giving you mixed signals*


Gluten-free, low salt, no sugar all-natural whole grain bread?

The only thing “natural” about this product is the urge to get away from it.


The worst is that a 27 y/o who wanted to marry Charles Manson & charge ppl to see his corpse had more of a future financial plan than we do.


PROFESSOR: We share 99% of our DNA with chimps.
ME: Okay so, like, do we take turns?
ME: What if I need it and he’s still using it?
PROFESSOR: That’s not-
ME: I don’t want to fight him if he won’t give it back.


I’m not paranoid, but I feel like there’s someone reading this…


Running away doesnt help you with your problems, unless you’re fat. Then yeah, run.


Twitter: You have 87 notifications
Me: Nice
Gmail: You have 7 emails