*arrives late to the Time Management Skills meeting*
You Might Also Like
me: so what’s the policy on backpack snacks
skydiving instructor: absolutely not
People love to watch science fiction, get mad about a single detail, then spend the rest of their lives demanding to speak to the manager of space
Like Grandma used to say, if it seems too good to be true buy as much of that shit as you can.
Grandma drank a lot. We miss her.
It’s exciting to receive a Valentine’s Day card and not know who it’s from. A Father’s Day card, not so much.
Play The Bee Gees loudly several times a day from your home so that if you have to kill someone the sounds won’t be unusual.
When someone says they were shook, I presume they meant as a baby.
I was a horrible mother today and declared that I loved one of my kids more than the other. Well what I really said was, ‘please don’t hit your sibling’ but apparently it’s the same thing
I am grateful for the canned, boxed, frozen dinners my parents provided. BUT my favorite thing about having worked in kitchens for years and having the time and ability to cook great, from-scratch meals for my children is when they say, “Ugh! Can’t we just order pizza!?!”
HR: Do you use the visualization exercises from the anger management class?
Me: Yes, I picture a swarm of bees attacking co-workers.
i feel like if you can prove you got below a C in high school chemistry you should be able to bring big liquids in your airplane carry on
WIFE: Who was at the door?
ME: More carol singers.
HER: What did they sing?
ME: Silent Night
HER: I hope you didn’t t-
ME: I twerked.
Quentin Tarantino + Johnny Depp = Rango Django
great news: all my boxes arrived
terrible news: all my boxes arrived
rewatching the dark knight and im crying at how harvey dent ain’t know it was the Joker until he took off the mask 😭😭
Kids: Dad why have you never taken us swimming
[thinking of an excuse because I can’t swim]
Me: I got killed by a shark once
I always use a short cut when I’m going to knife fight a midget.
🌲😼
Wild-eyed guy passed me in the grocery store hissing “applesauce” but I can’t tell if he was looking for it or running away
Hate when you hire a shady mercenary in a tavern by throwing them a leather purse of gold coins they never give you the purse back. Im getting fucking murdered on leather purses here
When I awoke this morning my husband lovingly walked toward me, bent down, kissed the dog on the forehead and whispered, “I won’t be long” then left in case you want to know what a rockin’ hot marriage is like
15 passed his driver’s permit test today. so going forward this will now be a parent horror-comedy account.
ME: I’m off to turn some tricks
WIFE: Please just say ‘do magic’
Screaming out, “YOUR HARMFUL SIDE EFFECTS DON’T SCARE ME,” in a pharmacy, gets you moved to the front of the line, apparently.
DORA: “Swiper, no swiping!”
SWIPER: “oh, man”
*Wealthier fox shows up, swipes everything*
DORA: “That’s OK, it’ll trickle down”
I took a DNA test and i’m actually 17% cheddar cheese now
Ever wonder how many cap fulls of ZzzQuil would it take for you to wake up spooning an inflatable Snowman 2 blocks away ….. well it’s 3
This year I have a few special people on my list that will get expired gift cards wrapped up with tons of glitter.
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
Cute neighbor mows her lawn almost naked, so I sneak over there at night and sprinkle Miracle-Gro all over her yard.. costly but so worth it
“IT’S A BOY” I shouted, tears rolling down my face “I DON’T BELIEVE IT. A BOY!” It was at that moment I chose never to visit Thailand again.