*arrives late to the Time Management Skills meeting*
You Might Also Like
I could never be a critic of any description because even if I hate a film or book I have the overwhelming urge to try and be nice about it, e.g: “The plot was incomprehensible and the characters loathsome, but I’m sure everyone involved worked very hard so well done. 5/5.”
“All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…”– list of girls who wouldn’t talk to me in high school
my allergies were acting up so i took allergy medicine. now i’m sleepy and my allergies are acting up.
I think my favorite part of being a parent is telling my kids they can’t have any chips before dinner because deep down I know I’m eating that family sized bag of doritos after they go to bed
You have $5 to build your city. Do you build it on:
– swampland $1000
– arable prairie $22000
– beachfront $33500
– rock $2
– roll $3
– rolling meadows $9500
I usually stumble upon her safe words by accident, like when I say ‘moist’ or ‘I paid full price for everything at Whole Foods’
If stray cats are free, why is Chinese food so expensive?
[meeting at round table]
“King Arthur, if I may?”
“Go ahead.”
“Castles but bouncier.”
“Bouncy castles?”
“But you gotta take your shoes off.”
After looking at pics from before my 7yr old was born she said “You’re really not as young and pretty anymore but I like how you look now because you look like my mom.”
* I mean aww sweet but also hello back handed compliment. This girl is fierce.
Meeeee too!
Me: Back to school tomorrow! Everyone ready?
14: Yeah, let me check if I have any homework.
He’s been off for 17 days.
Who called it an organic buffet instead of a natural selection?
🙌🏻😂😂😭🤣
Stop saying “so I did a thing”…just say what you did, moron
Daughter: Why don’t kids at school get my sarcastic humor?
Me: Because they have boring parents, darling.
“Your call is very important to us. Please stay on the line until your call is no longer important to you.”
absolutely crushed dolphin wordle
“do you have any pets”
[remembers girls like sensitive guys] a cat
“what’s his name”
[remembers girls also like tough guys] missile launcher
Can’t believe this needs to be said but giving two shots of vitamin B6 doesn’t mean you gave a shot of B12.
I hide photos on my computer of me petting animals at the zoo in a file named FIREWORKS AND VACUUMS so my dog won’t find them.
Them: you smell nice
Me: thanks, it’s the dryer sheet I just found in my sleeve
I’m a go with the flow kind of gal unless the flow is after 9pm or involves people I don’t know or parallel parking.
Mothra: [flying around]
Godzilla: [waving a rolled up magazine]
God: you’re a kiwi.
Kiwi: so I’m a bird but I can’t fly?
God: true but you can do something other birds CAN’T.
Kiwi: really what’s that?
God: you can smell through your beak so good!
Kiwi:
God:
Kiwi: wanna know what I smell right now?
God: sure!
Kiwi: I smell bullsh-
James Woods is suing someone for $10,000,000 because they said he’s a coke addict. When asked why so much, Woods replied “Coke’s expensive.”
ME: What are you watching?
WIFE: The Wheel Of Time.
ME: It’s called a clock, Sharon.
HER: Get out.
Considering you can be anything you want on the internet,
it’s amazing how many choose to be stupid.
ME: Im a secret agent
THEM: With like the FBI
ME: Idk its a secret
*Incorporates drinking with exercising by walking to the bar.
Monday morning looks like Jack Nicholson breaking through the door in The Shining.