*arrives late to the Time Management Skills meeting*
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[family reunion]
Does this place have air conditioning because
[song ends, party becomes silent]
Grandma looks really hot
If you tell someone “nice shirt” and they don’t look down at it you’re talking to a robot.
Sean Swordd: mighty
Sean Penn: mightier
i see ur bf carved his favorite sports team’s logo into his pumpkin instead of u. nice to see where his priorities lie. lmk if u wanna talk about it. i’d be upset
My dog just looked me in the eye and said “no one is gonna believe you”, then took a nap.
[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]
Sure, getting murdered is horrible, but have you ever been stuck in and endless group text?
“Can we use a library meeting room?”
“What for?”
“Just a meeting.”
“Not a party?”
“No. Why would you ask that?”
“Well, the sheet cake and sleeve of red plastic solo cups does raise some questions.”
“YOU’RE DEAD TO ME”
Me on my first day as a mortician
Little known fact:
Centipede’s are the Metric version of Inchworms.
Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.
“Extra cheese”
Extra! Extra! More cheese!!
“No olives”
Breaking! Hold on the olives!
~Ex-Newsie working at Subway
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: Prince William should rent out some rooms in Kensington Palace to tourists. Call it Heirbnb.
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’
I gotta go grocery shopping. I’m the only snack left in the house.
Body: I need water.
Me: Diet Coke?
Body: No, water.
Me: Wine?
Body: NO, WATER!
Me: Coffee it is.
What base is it when she says, “I saw a box of fish sticks and thought of you”?
Me: [being murdered]
Murderer: Ok you have got to stop smiling. It’s really starting to creep me out.
Trains are great for when you need the names of towns screamed at you intermittently over a loud speaker
An older woman in front of me demanded her drink get remade because her barista was Asian.
When I tried to inform her how irrational that request was, she turned and sneered, “are YOU Chinese?”
I replied, “no, but your ugly-ass knockoff purse is.”
Shut your racist asses up.
It’s adorable when you give someone an informed opinion that they completely dismiss and then someone else basically says the exact same thing and now it’s a brilliant idea they’ve never heard before.
I’m not an alcoholic. I only go to the liquor store every day because they ask to see my ID & therefore must think I look young & pretty.
[Eating]
Waiter: How’s the meal?
Me: I dunno. Let me check
*pulls out phone
Me: Not good. It only got 2 likes on Instagram
Waiter: …
All the single ladies. All the single ladies. All the single ladies. Now put your hands up! Lol. But seriously, ladies. This is a robbery.
if your Snapchat story is just one straight minute of you driving and singing along to a song I’m showing your insurance company bc honestly I’m tired of it
My flabber has been gasted.
“what does your tattoo mean” i had money and nobody stopped me
can’t wait for 65 million years after we’re extinct and whatever race is in charge makes human-shaped chicken nuggets
Nice mustache, bro.
Her: What?
Doritos has a new snack called “Taco Explosion” so I’m suing Frito Lay for stealing my term for what occurs an hour after eating Taco Bell.