Arriving at my funeral, you are woefully unprepared for the sight of my embalmed corpse doing full Van Damme splits between two coffins.
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Caveman: “So what do you call it?”
Caveman2: “I call it burny light.”
Caveman: “that’s terrible. You’re fired from the naming committee.”
Caveman2 “wait… say that again…”
Bath bomb does not mean cannonball in to the tub. Now she is pissed and I need a new hip.
Research suggests that when someone disagrees with you, you should speak faster so they have less time to process what you鈥檙e saying.
When you text “Hugs” to someone and autocorrect decides what they really need is a lesson in particle physics and changes it to “Higgs”.
Why is it called “getting your car fixed” and not “autocorrect”
I work from home and tend towards introvert
Him: (assessing the surroundings) when did you last leave the house?
Me: Saturday!
Him (familiar with my bullshit): WHICH Saturday?
Don’t pretend like your cat wouldn’t 100% microwave fish if they had half a chance.
“No, no. No! NO!” – guy who invented black ski masks after people started using them for robbing
I would only want to be a ghost if I could randomly bite people
My 1-year-old has been beeping at me all morning.
I thought there was something wrong with her.
Turns out she’s being R2-D2.
The day after Christmas is wild.
I had 6 sugar cookies & a cheese ball for breakfast
My newly married friend begins most sentences with, “My husband said.” My go to response is, “My dogs haven’t said much today.”
There鈥檚 a woman at the bar who is cheering the debate at unpredictable intervals and I was completely unable to figure out her politics until we realized she鈥檚 playing bingo
Trojan: Pricier than some other brands, yet still cheaper than Enfamil, Gerber, Pampers, Graco, Fisher-Price, Playskool, Lego, Melissa & Do-
It’s weird how opposites attract, like red wine & a new shirt
The French cow says MEUX…
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: got any drugs on u
ME: nah
COP: how about the car
ME: wouldn’t surprise me. it’s been acting funny lately
[when someone likes me]
*eyes narrow* but I don鈥檛 even like me
My overly sensitive coworker, Clint started crying when I called him Clintoris.
Who snuck Monday in here? 馃檮
PAC-MAN: *eating his third ghost* You know, these just aren’t filling.
Me: You owe me $33.50
Canadian Friend: *hands me a single coin worth $33.50*
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
Me: are you going to be a better listener?
Pause
5: maybe is the best I can do
This is Cassie. She was chasing waves when they started chasing her back. Had to throw it in reverse real quick. 13/10
My dribbled milkshake stains bring all the dry cleaners to my yard
Repeatedly referring to the electrician as a “take charge kind of guy” is a great way to make your doorbell turn on the garbage disposal.
I forgot my therapist’s name so I just call him Dude
I react to seeing a pizza the way most women react when they see a baby. It makes me want another one of my own.
Hemorrhoids should be called a more gender-neutral name, such as themorrhoids.