Arriving at my funeral, you are woefully unprepared for the sight of my embalmed corpse doing full Van Damme splits between two coffins.
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“Waitress!”
Waitress: “Sir?”
“Could you check the rest-room? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
one time i matched with a girl on a dating app and her bio said “the first date better be outdoors” so i asked if she wanted to go for a hike and she was like “i meant more like, patio drinks”
Kim Kardashian’s birthday is today AND she got engaged to Kanye West! It’s almost like it was made for TV! Wait….
I started to cook breakfast and my 8yo hopped up to me and chirped, “I can make eggs.”
And then she did.
She made perfect scrabbled eggs.
How long has she been trolling me, sitting at the breakfast table pretending that she cannot even pour herself a drink?
*distant Yogizilla noises getting louder*
My birthday is tomorrow. I accept gift cards, cash, cheesecake, or a beach house. You pick.
I’m not sure what my husband is planning on doing for me on Mother’s Day but I hope it’s laundry.
Super Mario and Zelda are very accurate in depicting the idiotic things men will do for pussy.
just can’t imagine being this mad at a pond
someone please explain to my neighbour I wasn’t “fighting a box,” I was doing the recycling
friendly reminder that someone having a different opinion about a movie than you is a direct attack on you as a person and you should take it very personally
If I drop something in the toilet, it’s gone forever. I am not going in after it. Just ask my daughter. Oh, that’s right, you can’t.
Add “af” to the end of all business emails for maximum corporate whimsy
asked my 5-year-old what she wanted for dinner and she said “not a burned quesadilla” bc in the summer of 2019 I overcooked one side of her quesadilla
put on a suit for a job interview this morning and neighbors wished me good luck in court, wtf
[Flat-earth expedition log]
Day 746: We continue to sail West in search of the edge. Earth is much larger than we believed & surprisingly repetitive. We sailed past another island with huge stone heads on it. That’s the third one so far.
COP: don’t worry sir, we’ll find your kids as soon as we can.
ME: no hurry.
Normalise saying “better you than me” to people who keep complaining about everything.
Blues songs are about being sad, which is why so many of them begin with “I woke up this morning.”
FOMO? No, I’ve got FOBI. Fear of being invited.
I don’t remember my password, so I’ll just start my hundredth new account.
-Everyone’s mom
*going through airport security*
My brain: what if you’re secretly a drug dealer? What if you packed a gun you don’t own? Are you absolutely sure you didn’t accidentally fill your pockets with explosives?
Well, time to go to bed & remember that I started and abandoned a huge organizing project that involved putting a bunch of stuff on the bed.
Keep your longtime co-workers guessing and questioning their self-worth by forgetting their names.
If anyone wants a tiger let me know. I bought one but he’s being a d-bag and won’t wear the matching sunglasses I bought us.
if you have never had a true email job, you might think – “it’s an email job, surely that means everyone at least checks their email and replies somewhat promptly when needed” but you would be stunned, stunned I say, to find the truth
U once broke ur toe? I once broke my foot. U had a baby? I had 2 babies. U have a bad back? I have a bad front. I can do this all day, btw.
How you conduct yourself when using plastic wrap is the real you
Asked my mom what her birthday plans were and she told me she’s disappointed In me bc I don’t have a wife?? 💔
Correlation???