[Arriving at party]
Host: Why are you wearing only a nappy?
Me: I was told “infancy dress”.
Host: I said “in fancy dress,” you moron!
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Fixing my grandma’s computer and I see that her search history is about seven various spellings of the name of the last guy I dated.
Wife: I left the kids with you for a half hour & they dumped 3 pounds of sugar in the dryer trying to make cotton candy.
Me: Did it work?
[first date]
HER: What are you doing with the Tupperware?
ME: [filling container] The sign says ‘All You Can Eat’, it doesn’t specify when
I’m suspicious of polyamory because a good relationship is like a conspiracy to assassinate the president. You must trust in your fellow conspirators completely, so you have to keep the group as small as possible.
I love raccoons. Part cat. Part dog. Part rodent. Part bear. Little people hands. What’s not to like?
An enterprising divorce lawyer would set up a booth on a Sunday at a cut-your-own Christmas tree farm.
– “Did you know a swan can break a full-grown man’s heart?”
– “I think you mean arm?”
– “NO I DON’T!!”
*Runs away sobbing, bread spilling everywhere*
If you skip away from a crime they’ll never suspect you.
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
I hate when people ask me what I meant by something. Listen, I have no idea. I’m as confused here as you are.
We’re both learning what I’m about to say at the exact same time.
whenever a man says he’s well endowed I always hope he means with a grant from the government for his new art project
I put my toddler in white shorts and took her outside to play like some kind of masochist
The aliens among us mentally scream at having to continue this charade.
customer: i would like to buy a hotdog with sauerkraut
me: sorry, we only accept cash
manager: can i talk to you
Forget a alarm clock just give me the smell of bacon and coffee
The problem with Quotes on #Twitter is that… it is so difficult to tell if they are Genuine – William Shakespeare
I may not be the hottest woman on Earth but I like my chances up against anyone currently aboard the International Space Station
They should get rid of red light cameras and replace them with big walls that pop up at the intersection that you slam into if you run the light
“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”
When you set up a LAN for an 8 yr old kid’s birthday party at and then they ask you to play
Taco Bell is no longer going to be offering kids meals. Probably because kids are rarely drunk enough to want Taco Bell.
Them: You’re too focused on revenge
Me: Oh yeah? We’ll see about that
Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.
hello I’m britain’s greatest spy and my catchphrase is I tell you my real surname then my real forename then my real surname again in case you missed it
13YO: Why’s he happy? He got dog-piled.
Me: He made a lot of groundage before getting put down.
Husband: Yardage. Tackled. PLEASE LEAVE.
Sorry for the things I said when my sock got twisted up in my shoe.
This is going to be a meme FOREVER:
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I’m drinking.