[Arriving at party]
Host: Why are you wearing only a nappy?
Me: I was told “infancy dress”.
Host: I said “in fancy dress,” you moron!
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Got attacked by a pigeon this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.
My mom told me I needed to learn how to relax more so I dropped my kids at her house.
“Okay Benjamin, now I need you to go outside, point your nose up at the sky, and slowly start turning around. I’ll yell when I get a good signal.”
Her: What’s the baby playing with?
Him: Marbles.
Her: OMG, she might swallow them!
Him: Don’t worry! They’re not my competition marbles.
MI5 warned today that Chinese espionage online is being conducted on an ‘epic scale’ in the U.K. Not on our watch, our security systems are 世界上最好的之一。
A girl who’s literally called ‘Beauty’ walks around town singing about how stupid everyone else is. It’s a mystery why Belle had no friends.
My 4YO asked me, “can I take your picture mama cuz you’re so beautiful,” but it was actually because she wanted my phone to look for YouTube videos.
Son: what are those wrinkles
Me: crows feet
Son: jeez how many crows were standing on you
Me:
So, it’s OK if Robert Plant says “I’m gonna give you my love”, but I say it once and have to see HR?
It’s not like I knew my fly was open!
Today my toddler is crying because he doesn’t have his stuffed animal. That he put in the fridge. And yelled at me for trying to take it out.
Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.
Friend: She really likes you.
Me: Oh yeah?
Friend: She thinks you hung the moon.
Me: *who has been plotting for years to strangle the moon* Not yet.
“You’re more likely to be killed in a car wreck than eaten by a shark.”
The shark made a convincing argument, so I got out of the cage.
About to go for a run, because shoplifting
baby daddy implies the existence of ginger daddy, scary daddy, Victoria Beckham daddy and sporty daddy
going to the gym to throw donuts at all the skinny people
If you’ve ever wondered how many days you can reuse the same lemon wedge in your water pitcher in the refrigerator, the answer is not 11.
*throws smoke bomb, but when the smoke clears I’m just on the floor taking a nap*
To everyone who wrote “stay cool” in my middle school year book…I have some devastating news
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
Director: one of you actors tampered with my DNA last night!
Tom Cruise: not me, I went cruising
Elizabeth Banks: I was at the bank.
Gene Hackman: *drops test tube in surprise*
Vin Diesel memes still relevant? Ok.
[Spelling Bee]
Her: Your word is consent.
Him: Can you describe the word?
Her: Yes.
Hypnotist: Let’s go back to your childhood. Where are you now?
Me: I’m watching Golden Girls with my grandmother.
H: Which episode?
M: The one with the dance contest.
H *opening bag of chips*: Go on….
If you pedal backwards on a Peloton, fried chicken appears in the cup holder.
They are making gluten free communion wafers now. I guess you eat them because they represent the beach-body of Christ.
*me trying not to be awkward when I meet new people
Them: Hi, it’s really nice to meet you
Me: Yeah, thanks, my dress has pockets
guys I was hanging out at a coffeeshop/bar/restaurant and you’ll never guess what but a perfect strawman of my political enemies presented a well-constructed example of why they suck, within earshot of where I was sitting!