Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If the Powerball has taught me anything, it’s how to turn $200 into $4.

Him: Did you make a New Years resolution?

Me: Yeah, I’m gonna be more patient with idiots

Him: Great! How’s it going?

Me: *very deep breath* so so

Celebrating President’s Day by not doing anything I promised I would

ME: I dislike myself
THERAPIST: That’s quite common
ME: Really?
THERAPIST: Yes, for example, I don’t like you

I am not a strong enough person to listen to my parents eat cereal

Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.

Imagine the shock of seeing her in RL with her average sized eyeballs and no antlers…

huge if true: the moon

[Jesus breaks bread]
This is my body

[Jesus pours wine]
This is my blood

[Jesus brings out Alex Trebek]
and THIS. IS. JEOPARDY.

Can’t talk, competitively eating

*sharing nachos with my 17yo son

Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.

Me: so was this pie

[cloud watching]

GIRLFRIEND: That one looks like a ring.

ME: I think it looks like two people taking it slow despite the pregnancy.

Watching Dirty Dancing as a teenager: Damn right nobody puts baby in a corner

Watching Dirty Dancing as an adult: That child needs to be handcuffed to one of her parents at all times

It is true. Time flies when you are having fun.

However it is also true that Time eventually rests on a tree branch and shits on your head.

True, making your own beer can be costly and time consuming, but the finished product is just awful.

I just owned you for three seconds. Possibly five if you’re a slow reader. Up to ten if you read this again.

Today, my 3 year-old yelled at me because I forgot to close the fridge, then reminded me to turn off the kitchen light.

He just needs to fall asleep during a movie and his transformation into me would be complete.

Waxing my car.
God knows how it ever got to be so hairy

I wish my ex girlfriend was a Ninja, this way I’d never see her

The year is 2020. Hip hop has fully merged with dubstep, creating the genre of music known as Dubhop. All hope for mankind is lost

I bet that in China they tattoo themselves with stupid shit in English.

“Ice, Ice, Baby, Vanilla, Ice, Ice, Baby.” – Worst cocktail recipe ever

I went into a bookshop earlier carrying a book. I seem to have put my book down to browse other books and left with no books. Have called the bookshop but they’re struggling to find my lost book amongst all the books. This is the stupidest thing I have ever done

Never date an intelligent, incredibly handsome, wealthy man. He’s a violent psychopath that wants to kill you
*things i learned from horrors

[sexting]

Her: Are you naked?

Me (taking a shit): Yes

If it ain’t broke, my children haven’t touched it yet.

Friend: I’m so tired of remakes and reboots and sequels! Make something original!

Me: Don’t you write Transformers fan fiction?

Friend: It’s GoBots fan fiction, and shut up.

Son:Dad’s trick or treating as a ghost in a bed sheet?
Wife:& heels,eye patch & his hand stuck in a Nutella jar. More like a ghost on ambien

NOAH: whoa hold up, we already have two slugs

SLUG (wearing shell): no no, not slug *taps shell with eyeball* call me snail

NOAH: *narrows eyes* you look like a slug

SLUG: does the big guy know you brought your wife and kids?

NOAH:

SLUG:

NOAH: karaoke’s at 7

Putting tape over my webcam so the hackers can’t watch me take unreasonably large bites of food.