[arriving at the international space station]
other astronaut: so how are things down there
me: a bit chafed tbh
You Might Also Like
My laughing hysterically at Tom & Jerry cartoons is always tempered by me knowing that my wife is next to me wondering where her life went wrong.
british people are always saying fucked up shit like “i grew up in Poppington Square but moved to King’s Jangly before settling in Elephant-Upon-Strighton.”
I never know how much to tip a cow.
All these years, i thought Ricky Martin was singing, chicken bonbon, chicken bonbon
GOD: (creates earth) hell yea lizard planet!
WINDOWS™: restart planet for important updates
GOD: um ok
*dinos die, man appears*
GOD: wtf
My super power is getting hungry as soon as someone says the food won’t be ready for two hours.
So she was like, “Put on some protection”. I then pulled out & wore a yellow construction hat. We laughed & laughed & now I have herpes.
The joy you get as a parent when you buy a big pizza and garlic bread to share, but they don’t like it! 😍😍
I told my mom that “trying to smash” was slang for going to smashburger and now I deeply regret it
(Someone finally shuts off a car alarm)
Philip Glass: (sticks head out of apartment window above) HEY I WAS LISTENING TO THAT
Role playing didnt go so well last night. She was the hot sexy teacher and I the rebel student..so I ditched class. Cause schools for nerds.
bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point
I love raccoons. Part cat. Part dog. Part rodent. Part bear. Little people hands. What’s not to like?
My friend likes going out.Recently he went out of his mind.
[home depot]
employee[yelling]: YOU CAN’T DO THAT IN HERE
me: [yelling over the sound of revving chainsaw]: WHAT
One day, when my kids are grown with their own homes, I’ll come over, grind food into all of their keyboards and lie about it.
Why are Americans so obsessed with the British royal family? It’s like constantly checking your ex’s Instagram 245 years after the breakup.
[Deleting all work emails]
THESE DON’T BRING ME JOY!
*puts salt and pepper in shopping cart, pushes real good
Sorry I scratched your car with my rough winter elbow.
Give a man a fish and he’ll see if there are microwave instructions on the side.
Ray Rice. Michael Vick. And now Adrian Peterson. Congratulations, NFL. Your woman/children/animal abuse trifecta is officially complete.
[dinner party, setting out the main]
Friend: Wow! Is this edible gold? You’re really stepping up your game!
Me, thinking about my kid’s art taped to the kitchen cupboard shedding glitter like a damn Head & Shoulders commercial: Isn’t it fancy?!
genie: [unloading my dishwasher] this is ridiculous
Executioner: What do you want for your last meal?
Me: Can it be anything
Executioner: Yes
Me: I would like to eat a A318 Airbus
Two little monkeys
Jumping on the bed
One fell off and
Bumped his head EXACTLY HOW THEIR MOM SAID SOMEONE WOULD BUT NO ONE LISTENS TO HER.
Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place
I wonder if somewhere there’s a seal colony that likes listening to a singer named Human.
side view mirror: be careful that car on your right is pretty close
me: it’s fine there’s room
side view mirror: IT’S PRACTICALLY INSIDE YOU
Me: you should join Twitter.
Them: I don’t even like people.
Me: then you’re gonna love it.