*arriving home as my house burns down*
Firefighter: I’m sorry ma’am. Your boyfriend didn’t make it.
Me: I know. It was built in the 80’s.
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Buck naked
Wife: Where have you been?
Me: [thinking about the studio apartment I disappear to when things are crazy at home] On a tri-state killing spree.
Thank god my mom keeps forwarding emails on how best to clean and what foods to stock during the pandemic. I haven’t eaten or bathed since I left her house 19 years ago.
This is the ideal male body. You may not like it but this is what peak performance looks like.
There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.
I’ll walk into the gym eating a slice of pizza so that everyone can hate me…
DoorDash is great if you like having a sandwich and also 13 emails
Wedding DJ pointed at a bird that flew inside the building and yelled, “Y’all, give it up for the man who taught me how to SHAPESHIFT!!!”
I ordered Chinese food last night. My fortune cookie said “LOL” and I’ve never agreed with one more.
With all the ways to contact me on social media these days the police still smash through my door unannounced again?
This is a environmentally responsible account. I reuse all the letters from deleted tweets.
“Don’t move or she’s dead” was the last thing the wife heard before the husband started tap dancing.
GREAT day volunteering at the library! Noticed a local youth reading a book called “Moby D*ck” so I confiscated it before it could corrupt his innocent mind. Then I found a fun book about laughing out loud called LOLita and gave him that instead. I LOVE keeping young minds pure!
When customers come in 6 hours before closing
Dusting the thermostat for fingerprints.
Wife: “Ian is coming over.”
Me: “Ian from work or Ian who is good at disguises?”
Wife: “Ian-
*pulls off mask*
-who is good at disguises!”
[arriving in hell]
me: i didn’t know i’d have to wear what i died in forever
satan: where did you even find denim underwear
If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.
Me (being murdered): hey I need to switch the laundry
Murderer (stops stabbing): oh dang you don’t want that stuff sitting in the washer
Him: What’s your sign?
Me: Dollar
If you want to know what cereal you don’t have ask one of the kids what they want for breakfast.
Roses are flowers, violets are flowers, I’d love you more if you had super powers.
PATIENT: i just feel like something is missing from my life
THERAPIST: [is a cat] have you tried biting plastic
Jesus steals the winter solstice
My son just showed me something he made and asked “Do you like it, or do you love it?” and those are the only options I’m giving people from now on
Who called it industrial espionage and not being a thief executive?
God: Build me an ark.
Noah: A what?
God *pinching his nose*: A big boat.
Noah *looking around the desert*: A what?
Watching Mad Men with my girlfriend and trying to distract her every time Don Draper is on screen
Throwing burgers around furniture because I have a hunch that termites only eat wood because they have not tried anything tastier.