I accidentally left an open bag of birdseed on the porch, and word spread that this is the full-size Halloween candy bar house of the squirrel community.
*arriving home as my house burns down*
Firefighter: I’m sorry ma’am. Your boyfriend didn’t make it.
Me: I know. It was built in the 80’s.
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Every time I stop, someone always tries to peer pressure me into hammer time.
I don’t know why I have to jog with you, you’re the fat one.
Been throwing away this piece of tape for the last 17 hours
50 Shades of Yellow. #SpongebobMovie #SuperBowl
I just overheard my kid muttering “I’m sorry you had to see that” to a stuffed toy. It’s probably best not to ask what “that” was right?
If the floor is lava, that couch isn’t gonna help you, kid.
The average human body contains enough human bones to make up an entire human skeleton.
When the priest says “Body of Christ” I say “Thanks, I’ve been working out.”
Then I grab the cracker and run back to my seat.