@Mom_Overboard

*arriving home as my house burns down*

Firefighter: I’m sorry ma’am. Your boyfriend didn’t make it.

Me: I know. It was built in the 80’s.

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@LizHackett

I accidentally left an open bag of birdseed on the porch, and word spread that this is the full-size Halloween candy bar house of the squirrel community.

@FeelCoppa

Every time I stop, someone always tries to peer pressure me into hammer time.

@thatUPSdude

I don’t know why I have to jog with you, you’re the fat one.

~Dogs

@Ready_Set_Nope

I just overheard my kid muttering “I’m sorry you had to see that” to a stuffed toy. It’s probably best not to ask what “that” was right?

@TheProvenFacts

The average human body contains enough human bones to make up an entire human skeleton.

@RexHuppke

When the priest says “Body of Christ” I say “Thanks, I’ve been working out.”

Then I grab the cracker and run back to my seat.