[arriving in hell]
him: so what did you do?
me: *wearing a v neck t-shirt under a v neck pullover* no idea
You Might Also Like
Me: You ever have conversations in your head?
Me: No.
Me: Me neither
[First Date]
I’ll have a turkey burger. No bun, please.
[Second Date]
*just goes straight up Pac-Man on the basket of garlic rolls*
Why does my computer sound like it’s mining bitcoin whenever i open a browser
ME: I can’t find my sandals
WIFE: did you look everywhere?
ME: yes
WIFE: even down
ME: yes even dow—I did not put those on
her: i love croissants
me: *trying to impress* i’m flaky too
Yes Pony Express?
I ordered a pony 27 minutes ago and I still didn’t get it. What kind of fast food joint do you run here?
“They grow up so fast.”
– Me, looking at my problems.
[Sunday morning]
*congregation of Catholics disagrees with priest and walks out of church*
– mass unfollowing
BARTENDER: Can I see some i.d.?
ME: *slowly lifts shirt to reveal ThermaCare lower back heat wrap*
BARTENDER: Got it, thanks.
If it takes a village to raise a child, why are my neighbors sipping coffee peacefully on their front porch while I do all the work?
You know it’s really easy to sit back and make fun of everything instead of trying to actually help. That’s why I do it.
Walmart was so crowded today that they had 2 cashiers working.
Boss: You should have been here at 7.
Me: Ohhhhhhh! What happened at 7?
I think some of you need an exorcism not an intervention.
DEFENSE: Your Honor, will you allow my client to escape?
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
PROSECUTOR: Aw WTF
JUDGE: Let’s see where he goes with this
[blind date]
HER: I just wish women were treated equal…You know what I mean?
ME: Absolu-
WAITER: I hate to interrupt but can I take your drink order?
HER: Yes, I’ll have a Manhattan
ME: Make mine a *turns to non-existent camera*…Womanhattan
If a really late person marries a really early person they’ll produce an on time child. In theory.
*sets down half eaten bag of potato chips on the elliptical*
13-year-old: I have to stay up late. I have homework.
Me: What were you doing earlier?
13: Resting so I could stay up late.
“I tell you, this car runs like a dream!” I change gears and the gearstick turns into a swan. I turn on the wipers & it rains on the inside.
me: ..but is it peri-NE-um or per-IN-eum?
priest: for the third time, confession does not need to be this specific
A documentary about how the band Hanson exploded onto the music scene in the 90s, call it MmmBoppenheimer.
Her: what was that about?
Me: I read somewhere if a bear comes too close you should piss yourself to ward him off
Her: at the zoo tho?
neighbor kid, play fighting: are you ready to taste pain?
my kid, mumbling under his breath: I’m ready to taste cheese
Movies didn’t prepare us for the apocalypse to be this stupid
Give me one reason why I shouldn’t pass this math class
“You held up 2 fingers just now”
Ok then give me that many reasons
I’m about to risk it all
“The best things in life are free.” ~ shoplifters.
them: you look just like a friend of mine
me: she sounds really pretty
Today, the problem with young people is they’ll never have the joy of running into their seventh-grade math teacher behind an orange plastic curtain rummaging through the adult section at the video store.