[arriving in hell]
him: so what did you do?
me: *wearing a v neck t-shirt under a v neck pullover* no idea
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Kissing someone mid sentence is only cute in movies. I will press my hand against your face and slowly push it way until I’m done talking.
If you’re a doctor, don’t look up from my lab results and just say, “Six months,” when you mean, “COME BACK in six months.”
girl: wanna have car sex?
me looking out the window at my car nervously: um… do I… do I put it in the muffler
bouncer: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
me: why
bouncer: I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline
How to get ready for things :
1. Procrastinate for 5 hours
2. Panic 10 min before leaving
A smartphone that waits 20 seconds after you unlock before showing you notification indicators so it doesn’t distract you from going to do the thing you opened it for in the first place for so long you forget what it was.
Had to put a scarecrow on my wind farm ’cause crows were eating all the wind.
Being a little kid must be so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and your teeth will soon start to fall out.
Me: One of us drank the last cup of coffee and there isn’t any more.
Partner: One of us?
Me: I wasn’t going to mention names because that won’t solve anything.
My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: Didn’t you do any financial planning?
ME: *lips pressed on mic* Yes, your Honor, I was planning on having finances
I finally mustard up the confidence to pepper you with condiments. I’ve been relishing the thought of a romantic ketchup. I mayo be out of line, but I don’t want to live with vinaigrettes. Tartar for now, honey! XO
If Pepsi was smart… They would make a Coke flavor Pepsi!!!
The First Rule of Menopause Club:
We don’t talk PERIOD.
[2015 Bird Awards]
AND THE AWARD FOR GROSSEST NAME GOES TO…HORNED GUAN
(Lizard Buzzard quietly puts acceptance speech back in pocket)
Stop attacking Google for occasional inaccuracies. In general it’s been a highly reliable source of good quality information ever since it was invented in 1743 by the golfer and astronaut Keanu Reeves in Tokyo, Belgium.
I can’t believe I shaved my toes for this
Me: Age is just a number
My body: And today you’re 85 lol
What kind of doctor fixes broken websites? A URLogist.
Me: I’m so fat…
Him: *rolls eyes*
Me: *rolls fat*
Are you a cat person or a person person?
Urban Dictionary defines Heck:
Where you go if you don’t believe in Gosh.
Can’t wait for the air quality to improve so I can continue staying indoors and avoiding social commitments
People will be like “there is no right or wrong way to do it” until you do it the wrong way.
Cop: you get one phone call
me: [dials 911] help
Most people who think I’m a nice person have no idea that I’d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.
From my experience, the worst thing you can say at the end of a date is, “That’ll do, pig.”
googling “effect vs affect” in an incognito window
Actually, not all of the creatures from Jurassic Park were from the Jurassic period. Jeff Goldblum, for example. He’s from now.