[arriving in hell]
devil: all the pringles you can eat, but only with a knife and fork *evil laugh*
me: *starts eating*
devil: wait, how?
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Sticks and stones may break my bones, but alcohol makes ugly people pretty.
A couple walks toward me with their dog, a Briard. Of course they want me to ask about the dog. I pretend I don’t speak English.
*sales call
Sales Rep: Trust me sir, I’m giving you the best deal..
Me: Ofcourse I trust you, we’ve been talking since 2 minutes, feels like forever
ME: maybe it would spice things up if you surprised me with sex once in awhile
CELLMATE: no
Me: I’m just really tired, like, I only have enough brain power to think “where’s Kate Middleton?”
Therapist: Oh I haven’t really kept up on that
Me: OH HO HO
It’s not the holidays until I see two minivans with red noses lock antlers over a parking space at Target.
5: I love you so much
Me: I love you too, are you done acting naughty?
5: nope
Thought it would be romantic to serenade this girl with some Elvis.
I swear that’s the last time I sing “You ain’t nothin but a hound dog”
Proud of my 9yo, who took 9 whole years to learn where we keep the dish towels.
2020: Your package is on the way. It will arrive between Monday and Thursday of 2021.
The first time I threatened to “turn this car around!” we’d just left the park and were heading home. The kids cheered. It was a rookie dad move and I still haven’t fully recovered.
The old lady ringing me up at the store got frustrated w/ the barcode on my cheese not working so she just gave it to me for free…she is now sole beneficiary of my Will
*gets stuck halfway through a somersault*
This is how I live now.
Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.
Never go to bed angry. Stay up and finish the argument like an adult
“Dayyuuuum Giiiiirrrl… Did you fall from Heaven?”
*pokes body with stick*
I accidentally vacuumed up a live spider, so I did the right thing and returned the vacuum cleaner to Costco.
Me: Gotta stock up- snow storm is coming!
Cashier: What a cool mom getting all these awesome snacks for the kids!
Me:..for the kids…yeah
*Pushing the unlock button on my car key as I approach the front door to my house
Nah, I ain’t distracted.
People who say “in and of itself” are responsible for most of the trouble in the world.
After cooking show a dishwashing show with same host but kind of drunk.
When my wife says she’s going to throw away a dessert, I turn into Gollum sooooooo fast
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
You ever tried driving the speed limit and thought, “They can’t be serious.”
My pal said, “Cheer up, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
If you dropped two noodles on the floor, they would probably resemble my name more than my signature does…
When texting a woman while she is mad and you see them 3 dots for like 5 minutes then they just disappear….. start running
*rubs lamp/genie appears*
*makes me listen to ads before each wish*
I’m sorry I laughed when you said my cannibal joke was in poor taste.