[arriving in hell]
me: i didn’t know i’d have to wear what i died in forever
satan: where did you even find denim underwear
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Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.
babe wake up, it’s stupid outside
Yes, auto-correct, I wanted to wish my friend a happy 4th of Judy.
Just a reminder that when Shakespeare was quarantined because of the plague, he wrote King Lear.
If you watch The Titanic backwards.. It’s about a magical boat that saves people.
Why does a billionaire need a Bat signal? He is in a cave. How does he even see the signal? Why won’t you just text him?
Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.
person walking by my house:
my dog: I’ve killed people for less
It’s a good thing I brought poopy bags so my dog can clean up after me.
I want to be in shape enough that I fit into my favorite jeans but not so much that people ask me to help them move
43 Hacks That Will Help You Cut Down a Christmas Tree
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Wow, the feeling! A sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* endorphins
Me: No, just whales
I wanna rock and roll for 20 minutes tops and party for as long as it takes to seem normal before leaving without saying goodbye to anyone
I don’t need David Attenborough narrating animals I need Danny DeVito narrating divorce court
I’m going to be productive today
I’m going to be duct tiv
duct tav
duct tape
I’m going to duct tape the cat to the dog today
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies
Due to traffic, I didn’t show up on time for the start of my wife’s art opening and so for the rest of the evening she introduced me as her late husband.
You don’t want to see me when you’re angry.
yea we make fun of the fact the business people in the jurassic park universe keep giving the green light to a theme park that kills like 75 people every couple of years just cause its profitable but damn if thats not the most realistic part lol
Most of being an adult is just trying to figure out where that bruise came from.
2019 stress ball: ●
2020 stress ball: |
Little known trivia:
If you go to Ikea without your significant other, the store will provide you someone to fight with, free of charge.
I want to be the reason you look at your phone and smile while walking and then hit your head on a pole and faint. 🤪😂
*opens door*
Stop screaming!
*opens door*
What broke?!
*opens door*
Just wait until I get out there!!
~parenting from the bathroom
I just know Amazon drivers be like.. THIS HOUSE AGAIN ???
This isn’t a bathroom. Go outside if you have to do that. GET THAT OUT OF YOUR MOUTH. Help me help you.
-talking to drunks & puppies
Just congratulated my ex on dating someone so young that her Throwback Thursday photos are just pictures of her pregnant mom. I’m a dream.
I can either cut my toe nails, or majestically swoop down and grab a salmon from a river.
most people don’t know this, but IKEA is a long con, funded by marriage counselors and divorce lawyers
going door to door asking “have you seen my son? well can i at least have some candy?”