Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *snuggles under electric blanket*

Husband, from the other room: Are you cooking? I smell butter or grease or something

And that’s how I know I’ve eaten too much

[me, to my brother] I can’t believe we’ve never been to Coachella

[my Ukrainian grandfather] when I your age, bear eat my wife

I’m that aunt who laughs when my brother is scolding his kids and now we’re all in trouble.

“It’s a bird! It’s a plane!” – my 3 year old niece, excited as hell over some basic shit.

People use the term lab rat pejoratively even though there is probably no finer life than one dedicated to solving puzzles and eating cheeses.

My daily affirmation

“Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus” is on, followed by “Mega Shark vs Crocasaurus”. Nice job, SyFy. Way to GIVE AWAY THAT GIANT OCTOPUS LOSES.

Accidentally saying Yes I would like a receipt and having to wait half an hour while the kiln is heated and the tablet is fired

Please hold so I can transfer you to a supervisor and accidentally hang up on you.

*walks down street*

*panties drop left and right*

*thinks, “shouldn’t have bought so many panties”*

*picks up panties*

*continues home*

So I just watched Contagion and tbh, if they had watched the end of the film first, they could have saved a lot of lives.

My girlfriend is the square root of -100.

She’s a 10, but imaginary

Stop making me make accounts. A lightbulb that changes colors shouldn’t require an account. A TV speaker shouldn’t require an account.

I told my son to do something, and he gave me that ugh attitude. My daughter looked at him, “THIRTY SIX hours!” To remind him how long I was in labor with him lmao

Relationship status: my husband bought a ukulele

a fun thing to say if someone asks you if you want to hold their baby is “no thanks im trying to quit”

For anyone who says parents can’t have Friday night fun, I’m at Target right now buying toilet paper.

So, yeah, you’re right.

Maybe people are the dumbest creatures on Earth, and animals just pretend to be dumber to avoid talking to us.

Flung my bra across the room and it sailed right into the drawer, if any of you are looking to start a basketball team that uses bras.

[packing for work trip]

“Honey, where is our business ketchup?”

DATE: Are we in Starbucks because you’ve forgotten my name?

ME: Haha of course that’s

BARISTA: Latte for Rachel

ME: not true, Rachel

DATE: That’s not mine

ME: DAMN IT

If I win Poweball we’re all gonna have a party with SOOO much cocai…cake!

Just saw my Nana for what will probably be the last time. She’s very healthy but never wants to see me again.

Remember when we had to smack the TV cause it wasn’t coming in clearly…I feel that way about too many people

First week of my diet I gained 3 pounds. However, I found out if I stand further away from the mirror I look thinner.

video games where you have to repair your gun or like change the oil in your motorcycle or whatever can take a damn hike. there’s plenty of tedium in my actual life–i wanna chainsaw a mutant in half, not fold virtual laundry.

Just told my husband we needed to end this year with a bang and now I’m regretting my choice of words.

Shouting “Shotgun” will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.

Me: Hurry up! If mommy is late to work then I get fired then we don’t have money to pay the rent and then we’re homeless.

[Later]

6yo: [sees homeless guy] Looks like that guy was late to work.

Co-worker’s hair looks like he cut the wrong wire.