[arriving in hell]
me: i didn’t know i’d have to wear what i died in forever
satan: where did you even find denim underwear
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I can raise kids just fine,
but keeping plants alive that
only need to be watered once
a month is apparently
out of my reach.
wife: please don’t do anything stupid
me: ok… wait,
tonight or ever?
My Secret Santa gave me a McDonald’s gift card because they took one look at me.
Them: We don’t know enough to panic.
My Anxiety: Amateur!
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
{playing Hide & Go Seek}
Me:*hides in pantry
Kids: ready or not here we come!
Me: *quietly opens bag of Cheetos
Kids: He’s eating again!
Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.
Me: Will I live a long and happy life? *shake, shake, shake*
SOON A DOZEN CLOWNS WILL MURDER YOU WHILE YOU SLEEP
Me: This is the worst Magic 8 Ball ever.
I bought a big bag of M&Ms thinking I could have 3 every night for a snack, as if I’ve never met me before.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 7
They go after the guy who has killed 1000s of turtles
The Ninja Turtles corner him
Mario jumps on them all
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
Me: Evil never sleeps
Daughter: STOP CALLING ME THAT
I’d run away but I’ve got too many clothes.
[first day as a scientist]
*accidentally finishes science*
I’m not a professional actor, but I have successfully pretended to care how coworkers’ weekends were for decades.
what’s my dream career? the guy who bakes chickens and hides them in the walls in castlevania. next question
overheard from a 2nd grade zoom today
Teacher: Ok now, what’s at the end of life
7 y/o: that’s a…. I mean, that’s a big… it’s complicated…
Teacher: I mean the word “life”
I was on my couch and my 5YO came up and put his arms around my waist. I was smiling like a fool until I realized he was looking for the remote control I was sitting on.
My Quarantine Routine:
8:30 get woken up by dogs
8:40 let dogs out
8:52 let dogs in
11:51 let dogs out
12:20 let dogs in
4:47 let dogs out
4:59 let dogs in
7:14 let dogs out
7:38 let dogs in
8:16 let dogs out
8:18 let dogs in
10:20 let dogs out
10:25 let dogs in
China: ok. now we start the Great Roof.
My doctor said I need to lose weight so I have to cut carbs. Or get a new doctor. whatever is easiest.
Who the hell is responsible for the abbreviation of “pounds?”
Remember how judgey we thought we’d be if our kid said “wow! My teacher drinks a lot”
I stop strangers from talking by smelling their hair & saying,”You smell like Pa. Pa loved his wood chipper. Never did find them drifters.”
At my funeral I won’t need a coffin. I will be cremated from the neck down and my head will be on a stick. If you want to say anything about me you have to hold my head stick
I’m so sick of answering questions about the age difference between my kids, so I’ve started telling people the oldest one came with the house.
How disappointing is it that Han Solo didn’t name his son ‘Guitar’
Women love to say “sexy AF”
or “hot AF” on Twitter ….If I’d known being in the Air Force
was that hot…I’d have stayed in !
where’s that tiktok video of that guy dancing in front of some cows and the cows are slowly backing away from him and then he hits one move really hard and they all run away
🍞🦆