Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So my mom suggested today that I use Twitter to find a boyfriend. I told her that only works if you’re already married.

A brick crashed through my bedroom window with a note that read:

“Oops, I threw a brick at the wrong window. So sorry!”

Well, at least they’ve got decent manners.

It’s kinda neat how every chick you reply to is into celibacy

I can finish The Times’ crossword in under five minutes but I struggle to eat the whole paper

I have a rare muscle disease that causes my hands to write racist things that I don’t remember later. The Doctor is calling it Ron Palsy

I’d like a simple burial. I only want to be mummified and have a tasteful pyramid placed on top of me.

If I’ve already used “For sure”, “Right?”, “No kidding” and “Seriously”, your story has gone on too long. I am out of responses.

WILL SMITH SLAPPED CHRIS ROCK??????

*is taken back to a Christmas Eve in my 20s*

Me: Oh, wow! Look how skinny I am! Look at my flat belly before having my kids! Look how well rested I am! Look at…

Ghost of Christmas Past: *sighs* That’s not what the point of this is

It’s hard to make the bed when someone’s in it. Especially if it’s me.

Saying wash your hands
-Mundane
-May go unheard
-Have to beg my kids to do it

Requesting the cleansing your portable sandwich fabricators
-Interesting
-An adventure
-Have to beg my kids to do it

I think it’s funny when people talk about the placement of a hair part being in or out of style, like thanks for the info but my hair does not involve me in any of its decision making processes.

Me: 🎵 mama

My Mom: hi son

Me: 🎵 just killed a man

My Mom: new phone who dis

The mystery is not do spiders poop.

The mystery is where do spiders poop.

[Trapped on a plane]
Me: Can’t put it off any longer, we must eat the other passengers

Wife: what no

Me: I’m growing weaker

Wife: We have been delayed for 45 minutes

LOL at people with only 99 problems

What’s that like?

If Miley doesn’t get her shit together, all these Hannah Montana collectibles are never gonna get my kids through college

Dentist: “When was the last time you flossed?”

Me: “BRO, you were there.”

Mama I made it :,) RT @funTweeters: #WayneL_Jr Your tweet was published Welcome to the family 🙂

You Matter.

Unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared.

Then you Energy.

Dude, I know this is Sparta. There’s like a huge sign at the front gates. Why are you yelling at me?

oh shoot the farmers market was out of cocoa krispies and actually ‘never had them’ and they ‘don’t think I understand what a farmers market is’

king kong winces in agony after stepping on a lego store

YOU: I murdered someone.

YOUR DOG: I’m totally cool with that. I love you.

******************

YOU: I murdered someone.

YOUR CAT: Me too.

Dress for the job you want to sleep at

Me: No serial killer will ever lure me into their murder van. I’ m too smart for that.

Murderer:

Sorry, when you said you needed someone to listen to your problems, I assumed you meant by eavesdropping on your therapy sessions.

Autocorrect just changed “I’m wise” to “I’m wide” so I should probably put down this donut.

Paranormal activity camera 3:33am…

Only catches me eating a chicken leg while doing the robot in my underwear.

Pushed a 15 year old dog in a stroller and not once did she ask for Cheerios or a juice box.