Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Is there something wrong with your pasta?

4-year-old: It’s not a doughnut.

My tombstone will probably read

“Of all the dumb things she did, this is the one that got her!?”

Me [pitching a book idea]: It’s a create your own adventure book. But instead of an adventure you are actually making choices which will determine what you should have for dinner. Fights over dinner will be eliminated.

Him: So all paths lead to ordering pizza?

Me: Obviously.

brain: cactus.
me: ok.
brain: touch it.
me: but it’s sharp.
brain: i know but HOW sharp.

Me: *tries to knock 1st kite out of tree using 2nd kite*

*gets 2nd kite stuck in tree*

Genie: please don’t w-

Me: I wish for a third kite

Spider: what do you mean I don’t qualify??

Army Recruiter: look buddy, this isn’t the leggy

My dog knows me so well that if I return home within five minutes of leaving he knows I’ve forgotten something and will not be staying, so he doesn’t even bother getting up to greet me

Ghosting is such a fun word for something so sad

Like put away your big white sheets and throw away your casper dvds gang we’re going to play with abandonment issues

Is it soup spoon or dessert spoon when eating a jar of mayonnaise?

Scientists are just wizards who don’t take fashion risks.

If you are a jerk and say jerk things, understand that I have imagined punting you into space while you’re eating something you’re allergic to, wearing a color that looks terrible on you.

Him: Do you have any food in your purse?

Me: I call it my Snack pocket. My snocket.

Him: Not all words need to be-

Me: ALL OPTIONS SHOULD BE EXPLORED DO YOU WANT THIS Ziplock OF WARM BABY CARROTS OR NOT?

Who thought blowing out candles on a cake was a good tradition? Ah yes; wax would go well with this cake and you know what else? Child spit.

Hi I’m Dan, welcome to identity theft club
*from back of room
“me too”
“me too!”
“uhhh, yeah me too”
Ok, we’re off to a great start guys

[dog dies in a movie]
Me: *crying*

[human dies in a movie]
Me: *crying* why did they have to kill that dog earlier

My sister told me a guy dressed as Michael Myers for a 3k today. Slow walked the entire time and finished dead last.

There are few things I respect more than full commitment to the bit.

My daughter has created a new game show where she puts her shoes all over the house and then asks us where they are

I would be awful at debating I’d be like first of all you are being so mean to me.

Every birth announcement I see the parents are like “we’re already so in love!” Just once I want a “she seems chill but we’ll see what happens”

Midwestern pride is suffering through cold morning temps in October without a coat because you don’t want to give Mother Nature the satisfaction and it will likely be summer again in the afternoon.

I need to update my racial profile.

God: you’re a seabird.

Puffin: can I fly?

God: oh course you can fly you’re a bird aren’t you?

Puffin: oh good.

God: omg can you even imagine being a bird that can’t fly?

Puffin: I know right? lol.

Penguin: [under breath] don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry.

MOSES: Cool thinkpiece
GOD: It’s a list of commandments. Not everything is a thinkpiece! Jesus Christ
MOSES: Who?
GOD: Oops, sorry. Spoilers

I don’t believe in reincarnation but damn my dog looks like he’s trying to crank over a motorcycle while he’s sleeping.

It’s cute when kids say what they want to be when they grow up. You’re gonna write emails on the computer buddy

Yes the weather in Iowa is bad, but the options are worse

We’ve all talked about throwing a dirty dish away instead of washing it. But only some of us have done it.

*applies Chapstick throughout our entire 13 minute conversation*