[Arriving late to work]
Boss: *looks at watch* fourth day this week
Me: also known as Thursday, Jerry
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Drove by a woman with her car broke down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.
Based on the things my kid will and won’t eat, my cooking is apparently worse than a stale Fruit Loop covered in dog hair.
If I ever get murdered, I want two white women with a podcast to solve it in their free time
Ritually cleansing* the new house
*taking down the previous owner’s live laugh love decals
HER: Let’s do some role playing
ME: Okay, be ur sister
HER: I was thinking a sexy profession..
ME: Oh okay. What’s ur sister do for work?
I always wanted to be just like Flo Rida. That’s why I changed my name to “New Ham Sure”
Things more likely to kill you than Ebola:
– choking on a wheat thin
– erotic asphyxiation
– falling off the toilet
– a duck with a gun
This salad I’m having for lunch tastes a lot like I’m having a greasy burger and onion rings for dinner.
Me: Please, call me John. No need to be all fancy with titles and last names.
Drill sergeant: …
[I time travel to 1998]
Guy: This is the first showing of Mulan, how does that dude in the front row already know the words to all the songs
I told my kids to sit Kriss Kross applesauce and now they’re jumping
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
Niece: *screeching like a Valkyrie*
Me: *wasted, drunk-whispering which is just yelling*
Dad: *lecturing someone*
Sister: *bickering with husband*
FAMILY FEUD Host: THIS ISN’T HOW THIS WORKS!
Me: *throat-punches him*
Received dm of the day
No, I don’t want to experience a “typhoon” on your waterbed.
Funny how the more time we spend at home, the more we look like homeless people.
The most uncomfortable moment in my day is the time spent waiting in silence while someone searches for a ‘funny’ YouTube clip I *need* to see.
Just had to take a urine sample to my GP and at reception they asked me “does the doctor know about this already”. No, no. I just brought a cup of my wee as a present. Please don’t spoil the surprise.
When I told my 12 year old that I’d be back in 1 hour and was 15 mins late:
Him: Where were you, I was worried!
Me: I had to make an extra stop, you could have texted me.
Him: YOU SAID 1 HR!
ME: Sorry……dad?
I think I’m going to try to drink a half gallon of water a day for the next month to get a bit healthier, so if anyone knows any single men into water sports lemme know.
No weirdos.
The embarrassing moment when you bring handcuffs to ‘gamenight’ and she brings Monopoly.
drive-thru worker: would you like to make that large?
me: haha no thanks i need you to make it
“Contactless is safer”, I tell my husband
Every woman has an inbox. She carries it with her just in case she gets male.
Anime-only: Man, I can’t wait to see more of my fav character!
Manga-reader: Oh man, THAT character, oh buddy oh pal oh buddy. I ain’t gonna say WHAT happens to them, but uh, hehehe, prepare to CRY. I MUST REITERATE, I ain’t spoiling anything, BUT, that character? Hooo boy
[at funeral]
My brother was so realistic and sensible. I guess you could say-
*casket is lowered into the ground*
-he was down to earth.
What do we want?
An end to auto-correct errors!
When do we want it?
Cow!
Sow!
Bow!
Tow!
Duck this!
Don’t get mad. Get windchimes.
WINDOWS: update? 🙂
ME: I can’t
WINDOWS: later? 🙂
ME: I don’t know if I—
WINDOWS: pwease? 🙂
ME: fine, later tho
WINDOWS: *immediately restarting* oops 🙂
Me: [2013] I don’t trust anyone I meet online
Me: [2018] last night I met someone on Twitter and we’re moving in together to become paranormal investigators
Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”
Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..