Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Should I do it?”
My dog in the passenger seat looks at me, unsure. She just doesn’t get it, she never will. I merge into the carpool lane

King Charles should make Sir Elton and Sir Paul joust.

The NRA is pretty unhappy about the #filibuster. My thoughts and prayers are with them.

Our 5 year old seems to have deemed himself the local virus warden.

Over the fence to our neighbour:

‘JEAN YOU NEED TO GO INSIDE’
‘Okay I will in a minute’
‘YOU’RE OLD AND THERE’S A VIRUS’
‘I’m not that old thank you’
‘HOW OLD ARE YOU JEAN?’
‘I’m 68.’
‘THAT IS NEARLY 70 JEAN.’

Whenever I don’t want to listen to a song in the car with my wife I just lean over and whisper “my ex loved this song”

Pie is superior to cake. Nobody makes a cake chart.

A horror movie where the girl in the woods actually outruns the mutated chainsaw murderer, then it shows him sadly limping back to his car.

Girl, if you’re into rocks, I promise you’ll be

One of the kids has started shouting, “speak of the devil!” whenever I walk in the room

My phone keeps sending me a message telling me moisture has been detected in my usb port, I think it might be flirting with me

Body by burrito

“What if kids lost all their baby teeth at once? Kid turns five and their teeth start flying out of their mouth, like popcorn in a pot without a lid?”

“I meant questions about your root canal.”

“Nah. Hook up the gas and let’s party.”

Artists when they havent drawn for 1 second

*licks ice cream cone

Cone: I have a boyfriend.

And when I looked back and saw only one set of footprints in the sand I realized the hourglass in my pocket must be leaking

You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address

[job interview]
“I’ll never hire you”
ME: [swordfighting a field mouse] Is it cuz I’m swordf-
NO IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE LOSING TO A FIELD MOUSE

What jugglers do best

1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle

Baby are you the middle of July because I was not ready for you at all and feel very aware that I should have been working out

My husband bought 3 bottles of fancy wine to take to my parent’s house tomorrow so anyway long story short we are bringing 1 bottle of fancy wine to my parent’s house tomorrow

My neighbors kid has been outside banging on a bucket for over an hour while their dog barks at him ….. I would throw a rock but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.

me: our first night as man and wife

bride: you know what that means 😉

me: yep, I can finally show you *pulls mouse from pocket* this

bride: what

me: I dressed him up to look like will ferrel

spouse: why

me: cause I’ve been saving mice elf for marriage

There’s a book called “Why Women have sex” by Cindy Meston. The author also wrote”Why Men have sex” but I’m guessing thats just a pamphlet.

You’ll never be as lazy as the person who named the fireplace.

Hey all,

I regret to admit this, but tonight I took my kids on a walk.

From their intense whining I have come to see that I caused them deep distress by exposure to sunshine, breeze, and friendly waves from neighbors.

Forgive me—I will do better next time.

~a dad, trying

I experienced a potato famine once; it was the longest night of my life.

Narrator: Ursula ran out of vodka.

[jolts awake in bed]
Honey, wake up! I had a terrible nightmare that you were an algorithm!
spouse: (from under covers) That’s awful, sweetheart. Let me suggest some other dreams you might have

adulthood is definitely the worst hood I have ever been to

My next door neighbor invited me to a party at his place, but he’s creepy, so I didn’t go. The next day when he asked why I didn’t show up, I couldn’t think of an excuse, so I said I couldn’t find parking. He just nodded and said “Next time, take a Uber.”