[Arriving to cult meeting]
Cult leader: Did you bring the sacrifice?
Me, standing in a puddle of water:
Shit…I thought you said sack of ice.
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My boss said “dress for the job you want, not for the job you have”
Now I am sitting in a disciplinary meeting in my Wonder Woman costume.
Your “COEXIST” sticker inspired me to slip a Madagascar hissing cockroach through your car window at the mall. Peace.
“john could tell that emily was getting tired of him narrating their date”
Just took my girlfriend to the movies and now I’m $10,000 in debt.
Thursday
dec 26 to jan 1 is like the days after spotify wrapped… you can listen to/do whatever you want and it doesn’t count against next year’s naughty list
Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate
There’s something twisted about being woken up at 5 am by a child who wants to congratulate you for “being a good sleeper”
Niece: found these handcuffs in your drawer.
Me: yea I got arrested once
Niece: omg why
Me: for going through my aunt’s drawers.
Hey everyone, I’m ABSOLUTELY obsessed with this new web series I’ve been marathoning where I non-stop refresh a worldwide coronavirus counter
You guys, I figured it out. This whole COVID 19 strain is autocorrect’s fault. Somebody asked for a protein bar but got a protein bat instead. Easy mistake to make.
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
A haunted house for introverts that is just random people popping out and asking questions.
My wife called me from her job at the Velcro factory.
She’s stuck at work again.
They say money talks, but mine barely gets a chance to introduce itself before it’s gone.
Do you ever look at someone and think I’d like to be like that when I grow up and then realise that you’re the same age?
*takes pen and notepad from psychiatrist’s hand
“This’ll go quicker if you let me do it.”
[christmas dinner]
me:
extended family member:
me:
extended family member:
me:
Baby Timberlake: ACHOO!
*Both Timberlake parents reach for a tissue*
Justin: OMG we are so…
Jessica: DON’T say it.
Justin: …N*Sync
the short answer to this question
6: What’s a hangover?
Me: The interest repayment on fun.
AOL has been hacked. Users have also been asked to check their Atari settings for possible compromise.
My nail technicians always speak their native language around me and I can’t help but feel left out…it’s like…come on besties…I want to make fun of me too
As an adult I’ve caused the most trouble by pressing ‘send’
If I’m gonna pay $300 for a name brand purse it better come with a mini fridge, steaks, and a new tv
Got fired from my 4th fast food job in a row for asking “do you want a shake with that?” at the drive thru window and then twerking for 5 minutes no matter what they answered
[checking my phone]
“i hope this email finds you being mauled” ha ha what in the heck
[suddenly a bear is in my kitchen]
Realtor Dog: if you’d like to buy this house, pee here… and here
The big phone companies don’t want you to know that you can get a free call whenever you want by punching a cop.
*phone rings*
*stares at it*
*voicemail notice*
*ignore*
*text “Left you a vm”*
*ignore*
*act surprised when they mention it*Repeat