[Arriving to cult meeting]
Cult leader: Did you bring the sacrifice?
Me, standing in a puddle of water:
Shit…I thought you said sack of ice.
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(Job interview)
The starting hourly pay is $30 but it can go up to $45 later
Me: Okay, I’ll start later then
Whoever coined the term sticktoitiveness really got away with some bullshit there
Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit
Me: ok
Dentist: I’ve been sleeping with your mom
why they call it sex on the beach and not wavy lays
H: “Whatcha doing?”
Me: “Going on twitter to hang out.”
H: “Twitter is an app, not a place.”
Me: *whispers venomously* “Is too a place!!”
My 2.5 yo pointing to table: Where’s sticker?
Me: the house cleaners must’ve removed it
Pointing to the wall: where’s crayon?
Me: the cleaners must’ve wiped it off
Pointing to toy bin: where’s singing bear?
Me: the cleaners must’ve thrown it out
…we don’t have cleaners
Asked the mechanic how much it would cost for my son’s car to pass inspection and he transferred me to their mortgage department.
“i am trapped in a loveless marriage help me obi-wan you’re my only hope” “use divorce, luke”
If Windows Updates was a person, it would be that one neighbour who won’t stop talking to you at the most inconvenient of times.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who often searches for their phone when I’m watching something on it.
(Toy store)
ME: “Where do you keep the Schwarzenegger dolls?”
Clerk: “Aisle B, back”
I think I speak for all of us when I say I’m being presumptuous.
[to the murderer hiding in the backseat of my car]
neither this car nor this murder will go anywhere until you put your seatbelt on, mister
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they come back, it’s a phoenix
Find a way to dress up as “accidentally liking someone’s Facebook picture from 2 years ago” and really scare people this Halloween.
Zen master: Why are you still tweeting? The validation isn’t real.
Me: Neither are you.
Zen master: Oh bugger.
I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.
I wish Play-Doh tasted as good as it smells.
I wish I would remember that it doesn’t.
My counselor told me that conquering my fears would end my depression, so here I am, depressed, but at the top of a mountain
I told my husband no less than thrice not to get red delicious apples because they are not, in fact, delicious, so you all know what he came home with
When the handyman forgets you have cameras in the house 😍
Feeling lazier than the guy who named the anteater
“What’s this thing eat? Cool.”
Him: *stares at my face
Him: *points to his lips
Me: *OMG He loves me & wants to kiss!
Him: “you have mayo on your face”Me: *dies alone
When a grammar Nazi gets sad give them a hug and say “There, their, they’re.”
It’s like my father always used to say, “[years of silent disappointment]”
*after sex*
Me:
Person:
M:
P:
M:
P:
Me: “was it because-”
P: “YES it was because you said “oh lawd she comin” when you climaxed”
In case you’re having a bad day…there’s this.
The Three Hole Punch either sounds like an awesome karate move or an awful bedroom experience.