Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

#ICertainlyCouldntLiveWithout apparently an uneven fight…🤷‍♀️

There’s a girl that I hate in my office that’s white but looks like ‘Precious’. I’ve been calling her “Pressure” & blaming my farts on her.

This morning my neighbor put a note in my letterbox telling me off for honking my horn to say goodbye to my kids at 9am yesterday

This evening, I’m learning to play the drums

At first I was afraid
I’d be electrified
I dropped a knife over my toaster now it’s trapped inside
& I spent oh so many minutes
Thinking how to right this wrong
The current’s strong
Will I be dead before too long?

Me: ” I’m gonna wrap my bear legs around your head”
Him: ” You mean bare?”
*Me looking at my untouched razor*
“Nope”

Me: Doc, I hurt my back.

Dr: What happened?

Me: Well, I was rolling over in bed…

Dr: AT YOUR AGE??!???

Nothing like 2 big dogs chasing your dog to get in some extra cardio

Find a penny, pick it up. All day long you’ll wtf, that thing is filthy. Wash your hands immediately.

Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York

If they force me back to the office then they better be ready for the lifestyle I’ve grown accustomed to which is loudly singing the encanto soundtrack that I do not know the words to

[a doomsday prepper whose rations from Y2K just ran out today emerging from his shelter] hey everyone hows it going

Anti-Vaxxer: Hey, did you hear the one about the kid with measles?

Vaccinated person: I don’t get it.

This flight attendant literally just finished going over safety protocols and said “thank you to those who listened, and good luck to those of you who didn’t. Truly, good luck.” Lmfaooooo

[staring up at the sky]

ME: what does that cloud look like to you?

11YR OLD DAUGHTER: I’d say it’s a semi-transparent altocumulus, or at least something of the stratocumuliform physical category

ME: well I see a corn dog

When I say someone is a good doctor it’s entirely based on the strength of their waiting room Wi-Fi.

My grandma: I found some toys in storage you can give to your daughter!

Me: oh cool what are they?

Grandma:

May someone of my non-German mutuals explain German Burger King to me:

Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked.

So did all the other people at the post office.

Opening up a food truck that sells six different styles of hot dogs and one hamburger and naming it “they can’t all be wieners”

I was overcharged by a plumber!

So, I’ve been secretly training a gorilla to roll barrels at people.

Tomorrow, we’re kidnapping his girl.

Me: Why do you have that I thought I threw it away. Where did you get it?

4: I taked it out of the trash can.

Me: *eye twitches*

I texted my husband “I want pizza but I need to go to the gym” in the hopes that he would try and steer me back on the right path and motivate me to go to the gym. But instead he replied “Same, let’s get pizza” and so yes it is true that marriage makes you fat

The new Ring movie looks terrifying

[heaven]

god: you have 8 more left. be careful this time ok.

cat: *licking paw* you’re the one who said sharks were fish

This air is so toxic and unhealthy right now I think I want to date it

[Pre-School pick up]

Wife: what did you learn today?

Me: the highest waterfall in the world is actually in the ocean.

Wife: I was talking to our Daughter.

Daughter: snakes got no legs.

Me: [visibly upset] everyone knows that already.

20’s: what even is a hangover?

40’s: puts on sunglasses to open fridge

My new neighbor seems like a really nice guy. He just suggested trimming the trees that cover my bedroom window.

The new $100 bills are insane. A purple stripe, the hologram thingy, the Ben Franklin that says “kill, kill, kill” as his eyes swirl…