Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just tried to groom my dog myself, and I now fully understand why the dog groomer charges more for a haircut than my own stylist.

Her: What’s your favorite part about being a stay-at-home mom?
Me: Showering is optional
Her: HAHAHA, be serious.
Me: Ok, no drug tests.

INTERVIEWER: Would you like a donut?
ME: *takes three*
I: Um, ok, what’s your greatest strength?
ME: [grabbing two more donuts] Self-control

her: why do you keep your eyes open when you kiss me?

me: bears

My credit card was declined and when I called Visa they asked me to verify that I was a 39 year old man buying a unicorn frappuccino.

I’m so angry right now that I could strategically throw my phone at a safe spot on the couch.

The booster protects against what, now?

I forgot the word “vibrate” so I said I’d set my phone to purr.

INTERVIEWER: Do you have any hidden talents?

ME: I taught myself how to play piano

INTERVIEWER: By ear?

ME: No, just with my hands

Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.

CASHIER: its declined
ME: run it again
C: sir, is this one of those fake credit cards they mail out
ME: no
C: your name is “local resident”?

A horror movie but it’s just a married couple trying to work from home and one of them is chewing

Summer is the best because there’s always a chance I’ll see someone trip on their own flip flop

Vet: “I can see the head…

…here’s the neck…

…more neck…

…more neck…

…neck…

…neck…

…neck…

…still more neck…

…neck…

…it’s a giraffe!”

I assume anyone sitting alone in a car in the dark corner of a grocery store parking lot is waiting to meet a hitman who is running late.

I have a disorder where every time I leave my house I spend $100

HIM: My new girlfriend’s name is “Bella”. That means “Beautiful” in Italian.

ME: It also means “War” in Latin…so good luck with that.

Carpenters are only in it for them shelves.

My wife and I play this fun game at home where one of us says, “Could you watch the kids for a minute?” and runs.

if bears could make porridge the temperature would be like the last thing on my list of concerns

Based on all of my exes I would have to say that Cupid has a wicked sense of humor.

Hey girl, are you the barbed wire fence surrounding Meryl Streep’s house? Cause I just can’t seem to get over you

Damn boy, are you the black jelly bean?

Because I absentmindedly picked you, and now I regret having you in my mouth.

#ConfessToAubry
10
I work at Subway and if you are rude to me at the beginning I will make sure to grab the oldest and shittiest bread. So if your sandwich bread is hard you know why.

Me: If you could sleep with —

Wife: Ryan Reynolds!

Me: –the window opened a little bit, I would appreciate it.

a former teacher who loved saying “lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine” just reached out to me about getting comp tickets to a show of mine because she didn’t realize it would sell out.

wellllllllllllllllllllll well well well WELL.

Just received an email saying: “Want to see Celine Dion live?”
My first thought was that it was a ransom demand.

*Makes a meal plan for the week*

*Eats sandwiches every day instead because nobody tells me what to do*

Some people like to drink coffee for an adrenaline rush. Not me. Apparently, I like to go grocery shopping at the busiest time of the day, pick the longest checkout line, and forget my wallet.

I never take my glasses off unless I’m sleeping or in the shower or sleeping in the shower