No my carpet doesn’t match my drapes cause I don’t have carpet , Duh….
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DATING TIP: Be a gentleman. Hold her door. Hold her hand. Hold her purse. Hold her for ransom. Demand a chopper. Fly away. Start a new life.
Me: “In this day and age, I can summon almost any information I want in the blink of an eye. I’m one click away from all the answers I could ever need. There is no knowledge beyond my grasp.”
Also me: “I have no idea what day it is.”
Doritos has a new snack called “Taco Explosion” so I’m suing Frito Lay for stealing my term for what occurs an hour after eating Taco Bell.
Most Brands: Sandals and flip flops should cost a normal amount, between $10-$30
Gucci: What about $200?
Old Navy: Give us some loose change. What’s that, a button? Fine
Twitter: You already tweeted that.
Me: I ONLY HAVE TWELVE JOKES.
Two strangers on the subway just got into a political argument and now I can see they’re each writing Facebook posts about it
greys anatomy is so unrealistic. there is no way you can have sex in a place that smells like a hospital
I’m implementing a new policy in my house: any child who is awake past bedtime can either go to sleep or clean the oven, no exceptions
5: [bending his own finger backward] THIS HURTS & I DON’T KNOW HOW TO MAKE IT STOP!
Me: [sighs & closes his college savings account]
TV INTERVIEWER: As if the wedding wasn’t surprising enough, you then eschew the tradition of one spouse taking the other’s name. Instead, you chose to combine your surnames. Any regrets?
BENEDICT AND ENGELBERT CUMBERBUMPERDINCK: Absolutely not
I’m an introvert, but my middle finger is an extrovert.
GIVE ME FUEL GIVE ME FIRE GIVE ME MILK THAT’S NOT EXPIRED
Friend: [admiring photo of me, my husband, two sons and our dog] What a beautiful family.
Me: [whispering] My whole house smells like pee.
when ppl on here get in trouble they tweet ‘cute animal’ pictures
Apparently I need to go on a diet if I want to have room in my pockets for snacks. Why is life so hard?
I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.
Saw a man at the beach screaming, “SAVE ME..I’m drowning”.
I instantly uploaded
his pic, captioned “1 like = 100 prayers” on facebook..!!
A News Reporter just described someone as “Healthy as a Bus”.
Yeah….I don’t know either.
eek. i forgot hvac guy was in the basement and i have been very aggressively yelling at inanimate objects.
Sorry for levitating at the end of your bed all night, I just think you’re really cute
This reads like the bunny is the First Lady and I can’t stop laughing.
When businesses reach out to tell me they miss me, I politely remind them I’m married.
We usually make prime rib for Christmas dinner but with the prices of beef we’ve had to make some slight adjustments.
[Christmas dinner]
Me [serving guests]: More ramen?
Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.
Coincidence?
“self-driving cars will have to answer split-second ethical decisions, instantly calculating the worth of the lives of the people around them. can AI solve the trolley problem?”
self-driving cars in reality: i swerved onto the sidewalk because i thought the moon was a stop sign
Why did they think the horses would be able to reconstruct Humpty? They don’t have any engineering/surgery knowledge, or thumbs, for that matter.
*group chat*
Fellas, I think it’s time. I think I’m finally ready to be a dad.
[Tamagotchi has requested to join the chat]
[1st date]
date: you have any hobbies?
me: i collect old comics
date: oh like first editions?
me: [flashback to jerry seinfeld tied up in my basement] sure
hate when you’re not sure if you shouted OH NO before or after you answered a call to someone you didn’t feel like speaking to
“Trust issues? HAHAHAHAHA”
–Pluto, the former planet