ARSONIST: I will be the firefighter’s greatest enemy.
GUY WHO PUTS CATS IN TREES: I will also be that.
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*shotguns bottle of hot sauce*
*checks mirror*
Is it working yet?
Dad Hack: get your teen’s attention instantly by pre-heating the oven.
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
This line from Airplane.
*spider-man pacing the ceiling while Mary Jane is in the bathroom taking a pregnancy test*
Kellogg’s CEO just sent a company wide email telling all employees they have till 5pm tomorrow to decide if theyre ready to go ‘coocoo for cocoa puffs’ or take severance
Going to get a facial today… this guy on Craigslist is offering a way lower price than the salon!
i was just about to start being a good person but then i got mildly inconvenienced
If someone asks what you are doing on Halloween, earnestly look at the sky & say “I will be reaching my final form.”
Me: Do you want anything from Chipotle?
CW: Yeah….just surprise me.
Me: *comes back with no food*
SURPRISE!
7 foot tall undergrad told me that he was going to have to miss class for a game and, not wanting to make assumptions, I asked him what team he was on and he just said “come on” lmao
Me: I’ll email the document, but I REFUSE to send it over telephone line.
Boss: What the hell are you talking about?
Me: I’m an anti-faxer.
Some people have no respect. It’s obvious I’m on my phone trying to do something & this guys all “STEP OUT OF THE CAR WITH YOUR HANDS UP!”
Someone suggested I try online dating, but it’s like I’m already on twitter duh
flight attendant: sir u r seated in an exit row, are u willing and able to xyz in case of emergency
the highest guy you have ever seen: yes
trying to live my life in a way so if i get shot people don’t talk about how sexy and correct my killer was
My boss: hey you got a sec?
Me: I have all the secs
Boss: what?
Me: what?
@funTweeters
For “Mean Tweets”Oh I see now, those aren’t your measurements, it’s the fluctuations in your IQ score!
[Watching Netflix]
ME: Ohhhhh…I never thought about paying off a funeral home to get rid of the body…genius.
HIM: What??
ME: What?
There’s no way that Cinderella was treated like shit her entire life, then a prince tells her he loves her & she wasn’t like “yeah right.”
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?
ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills
“Why is your stomach making those weird noises?”
Me:
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
8: “You know how Makayla and Abby are our cousins?”
Me: “Yeah”
8: “Did you know that WE’RE also THEIR cousins?!”
ME: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
PRODUCER: You mean a choir?
ME: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
If my wife comes to bed nude it’s ON, but when it’s me at the end of the bed naked she’s all “what are you doin, we’re at Mattress City.”
My cat and I have lots in common like how we both cry when we’re hungry and both put our ass in the air when it’s being rubbed.
*first day in a Vegas poker tournament
Me: I’m all in
Host: Sir, this is the buffet
I’m gonna be so pissed if I die in the middle of an argument I’m about to win.