ARSONIST: I will be the firefighter’s greatest enemy.
GUY WHO PUTS CATS IN TREES: I will also be that.
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I think it’s important for us as a society to ensure that the person who manages the flavors for Oreo and the person who manages the flavors for Mountain Dew never meet.
How was your day?
-You know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
That bad?
-Oh no. It’s just a cool scene. My day was decent
I spray Lysol on Tide Pods before I eat them. Double protection!
I’m all for the scientific method.
Right now I’m experimenting to see how much swearing makes other parents stop inviting you to things.
Me: *bleeding to death after being stabbed*
Helpful Person: Don’t worry, we’re gonna get you some help. Are you registered to vote?
Me: Nice abs, bro
Gym bruh: Uh, thanks?
Me: *pulling a sheet cake from my gym bag* Be a shame if something were to happen to them
[digging through lost and found]
Target employee: What are you trying to find?
Me: My son
Shit. My neighbor told me her name thirty minutes ago. You guys, what was it?
How to fix something:
-Say “let’s have a look”
-Describe the brokenness
-Break it a bit more
-Say “nah it’s broken”
-Place hands on hips
I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all.
[grocery store, frozen aisle]
Me: *inhales, stretches arms high*
OmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmClerk: ma’am are you doing yoga?
Me: oh no, I’m just trying to reach dinner peas
’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.
Staying with my parents, part 6:
My mom: Oh hey, those fruit leathers you ate expired last month, just so you know.
Me: WHAT? Nooo!
Her: Next time you should read the box.
Me: I mean…I didn’t think I had to cause I trusted you
Her: lol that was your first mistake
“What are you doing, Merlin?”
“He said he was cold.”
Them: you have such a youthful face! What’s your secret?
me: *plucking an auburn hair and burning it in the eternal flame while muttering incantations* oh I just wash it with water
Someone on the radio said Britain will remain calm about the Coronavirus.
People phoned the police when KFC ran out of chicken
If you can’t tell the difference between “erotic” & “exotic” then zoo keeping is definitely not for you.
Good cop: If you just let us know where the body is, we’ll let you go
Bad Batman: Ben Affleck
When your wife asks what’s on TV, dust is not the right answer.
ME: pssstt psssssttt! hey kid! wanna get high?
KID: mom, just throw the treehouse ladder down, and get out.
Lost the library card. Been missing over a month.
Went and got a new library card.
Came home, put library card in a safe place and found old library card in the same spot.
*searches through desk for granola bar, can’t find it*
OK WHO STOLE MY *remembers eating granola bar yesterday* HEART? ALL OF YOU, THAT’S WHO.
I’m not your typical teenage girl. I’m 35 years old.
I like my men, like I like my coffee.
So hot, that I have to keep blowing.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i never listen to u
HER: yes
ME: k see u tonight
People take air traffic control so seriously. Just have fun with it
This recipe calls for 4 cups of cheese. That seems like an awful lot. I’ll add 6 just in case.
why is it called godzilla vs kong instead of when hairy met scaly
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite story about how any sweet princess will activate her fire breathing dragon if you wake her up from a nap.
I think that news channel only hired you as a weather forecaster so they could see you get hit by a stop sign in a hurricane.