Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Arby’s]
BRO [jumping into car]: GO
ME: it’s lunch, not a bank heist
B: they put EXTRA CURLY FRIES in the bag
M: OMG I’m too pretty for jail

My kid just locked me out of the house in 95 degree weather, but sure, “it goes by so fast.”

I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.

Baristas, stop paintin’ pictures in my damn latte. I’m gonna drink that shit not frame it.

*holding a rattlesnake in each hand*
These are the angriest maracas I’ve ever played

i imagine the people who slaved for years perfecting the google search algorithm would be so mad knowing i mainly use it now for spellcheck

[driving on familiar, wide back roads with one car every hour or so]

Daughter (11): can we please pull over so I can pet that pony?

Me: ok, fine

SO: don’t get bit!

Son (11): [quickly gets his seatbelt off and opens his door] I’m just getting out to see her get bit!

[2000 years ago]
jesus: merry christmas
stranger: what?
jesus: just say it back i’m trying to start a thing

When the sonographer says your ovaries look like the dark side of the moon, that’s good, right?

Welcome to Twitter, someone with cat ears & whiskers will be along shortly to explain why you’re wrong.

I accidentally asked for a “large” coffee at Starbucks and some kid standing behind me swallowed his vape pen.

Why do *I* gotta dress for success? Maybe success could be the one who puts a little more into this relationship

Today as a Random Act of Kindness, I wore a really tight sweater to work.

Daughter keeps licking water off the shower floor, but she’s our second kid, so we let that stuff slide.

Email translations:

“I was under the impression”
Translation: I’m furious

“As per my email”
Translation: I’m furious

“With respect”
Translation: I’m furious

“Whilst I appreciate”
Translation: I’m furious

“As I’m sure you’re aware”
Translation: I’m furious

“As previously discussed”
Translation: I’m furious

The ostrich may have the right idea
but I hate sand in my hair.

My mother: *brings over crap every time she visits*

Also my mother: “You sure have a lot of crap.”

When ITS SNOWING in SoCal you make a tiny snow dude ⛄️

Every time I open my mouth, some idiot starts talking.

What’s your favorite song?-Me, to a baby wearing a Metallica shirt at the grocery store.

My dentist recommended I sleep with a mouth guard, but I’m skeptical insurance even covers who I sleep with.

[field sobriety test]

cop: stand with one foot off the ground and count 1001, 1002, and so on until I say stop

flamingo: oh hell yeah

*whispers to dog wearing a ‘working dog, do not pet’ vest*
psst what time does your shift end?

You: make yourself at home

Me: *throws all the broccoli in the trash*

My daughter now associates height with age and refuses to believe I could be older than someone that’s 5’5”

Twitter: Don’t say a word for 7 days. 60 women unfollow you.

Real life: Don’t say a word for 7 days. Every woman wants to marry you.

COMCAST: have you considered getting with the world’s number one selling broadband?

ME: [thinking he meant the Spice Girls] ..all the time.

Spring chickens aren’t as comfy as memory foam chickens.

I’m at my most Disney Princess when I fight with my stepfamily before drunkenly losing my shoe at a party.

Watch Forrest Gump

*feel inspired

*toss orthotics out, go for jog

*1/2 block later, keel over and die next to shit happens bumper sticker