Art by Pastelkatto
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He has notifications on for me pray for his phone
Him: Who are you supporting in the World Cup?
Me: Hogwarts.
Them: Ma’am, we’re going to have to ask you leave…
Me: *doing the limbo under the police tape at a crime scene*
When I’m behind a slow car I steer my car a little to the right so the people behind me can see it isn’t my fault.
My 4yo asserts dominance by aggressively putting snacks in my hand so she can take dance breaks
Since the summer Olympics got postponed a year, that means I still have time to master ribbon gymnastics.
THERAPIST: you’re running from something. what do u think it might be?
[goose outside the window does throat-slitting motion]
ME: uh—failure
Carpenter Ants: Very industrious
Army Ants: Extra militant
Fire Ants: Drop dope AF mixtapes
Deeply concerning if literal: Last Christmas I gave you my heart.
I was a fantastic parent right up until I had kids of my own.
It’s important to set goals. You don’t have to accomplish them or anything like that. Just set them.
I hate when the hot person in my peripheral vision turns out to be a mannequin.
*brings donuts to work*
Co-worker: I have a gluten allergy, so I have to watch what I eat.
Me: Cool, then you can WATCH me eat this donut.
Me: You can watch me shower, but if my husband catches you he’ll kill you
Spider:
Her: pull my hair!
Edward Scissorhands: oops
Her: why oops?
tums is missing out on selling pumpkin spice flavored antacid and calling it autums.
Me in high school: WHY AM I SPENDING AN HOUR A DAY LEARNING ABOUT A SUBJECT THAT WON’T HELP ME IN REAL LIFE?
Me now: Oh boy a new episode of my podcast about dolphin social hierarchies
why is Saturday over in 7 mins and Sunday in 4 minutes but Monday is 84 months long?
science defines a baby as “a small smooth poopy man, no taller than a lamp”
When people in movies get fired, they all have that one little box with a framed picture on top. You worked there for 17 years, why don’t you have more stuff?
Got my mate for secret Santa (guy who spends all his time grooming his beard, drinking whisky, oiling his beard, drinking beer, combing his beard, drinking coffee, and wearing novelty Star Wars clothing) and I’m stumped
I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll
So, turns out the fig leaf is not appropriate apparel for the modern office, even on dress-down Friday. Who knew?
You can’t scare me, you’re not getting my kids ready for school all by myself
a bunch of people at a school dance waiting to get a drink
that’s it. that’s the punch line
Weird how parrots and I tend to share the same opinions
So what does everyone do with their dryer lint
I think I’ll take the swab. Thanks though.
Spending a lazy afternoon methodically eating the plastic flowers from the vase in the hotel lobby