Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I never go anywhere without a couple dozen shrimp in my pocket. They’re my ‘running around, doing whatever’ shrimp.

who said “fortune favors the prepared” instead of “ready player won”?

[1st day as cop]
captain: “why did you call for back up”
me: “there was a fly in my car”
swat team leader: “what exactly do you think we do”

IF YOU THINK IM GONNA SMILE BECAUSE IT REQUIRES FEWER MUSCLES YOUVE GOT ANOTHER THING COMING. NO OFF DAYS, WELCOME TO FROWN TOWN, BABY

I don’t think the water lizards run on the water always. I think it’s a “oh hey I forgot something” or “shit it’s the cops, run” thing.

Tequila should come with a label saying “this may cause you to pick trash off the interstate in an orange jumpsuit on the weekends.”

ME AT 19: I stayed in a youth hostel with 20 strangers

ME IN MY 40s: This hotel bed is a bit smaller than at home and my wife’s leg touched me in the middle of night and now my vacation is ruined

look son, i kinda need you to go to hong kong & win a martial arts tournament to the death for me because i sorta told my neighbor you did

I’m an over-explainer (I explain things too much)

a whale would make a great face mask because no one would be able to get within 100 ft of you

It isn’t a coincidence almost all movies about camping are horror.

My son got hungry so I gave him a snack. His teacher is gonna say how he can’t eat and before I knew it, I yelled from the kitchen “Girl, he is at home honey!” & then there was silence…….

I don’t mind that you leave me a voicemail, but can you finish your sandwich first?

me: I want to be handsome like my dad

friend: is your dad handsome?

me: no but he wants to be too

If you’re going to give someone a piece of your mind, make sure you can spare it.

“pediatric patients say the darnedest things”

doctor: we need to draw some blood

4: [taking out crayons] ok but I get the red one

My neighbors have been calling for their cat for 15 minutes. I’ve been meowing out the window for 30.

Tiny son: Mommy, did you know, inside a turtle shell there is a little bed, a TV, and a tiny kitchen?

Them: what is dumbest thing you have done?
Me: you mean like today?

waking up to good morning texts from your partner is great and all, but have you ever woken up to a message from Amazon confirming that your package will be delivered today?

Life is what happens when you’re busy choosing a filter for what already happened in life.

just got robbed by a bunch of girl scouts, well i wasn’t robbed but they did take all my money

Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.

My TC promised me he likes it rough so, of course, I bought him a plane ticket. On United.

Never understood football. If I wanted to watch people run into each other I would just go to the mall on a Saturday.

How are birds so simultaneously beautiful and annoying as heck?!

I aspire to be birds

Him: What’s another word for pee?

Her: Urinate.

Him: Aw, thanks, babe…and you’re a ten, but please answer my question.

Cargo pants are for when you want to wear khakis, but also want to be a backpack.

2 kids walk into a forest and try to eat an old woman’s home and she’s the villain? I’m not buying it Brothers Grimm.