Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m rearranging the kitchen which is devastating for my husband because now suddenly he remembers where everything used to be.

Me at 2 AM: I’m so tire-

Brain: Shut. Up. Do you remember how Greg in the 3rd grade wronged you? DO YOU?

As a teen, I always imagined being an adult and saying things to my kids like, “Shut up, Beavis,” or “Stimpy, you idiot!”

But I can’t.

Not because I’m a good mom, but because they wouldn’t get the reference. And that really hurts.

Tough love is true love

Never play board games with someone whose bumper sticker says “Failure is not an option.”

I remember being a kid & excited whenever the doorbell would ring. Now when it rings, I drop to the floor & don’t move like its a bank heist

There’s a couple that met at my wedding 2 years ago, I just found out they got married yesterday & I wasn’t invited…. Ungrateful people

“Don’t turn on the news”

Me as a therapist

At school, Scooby-Doo excelled at the three Rs – biology, Spanish and geography.

Bread:
-Good
-Tasty
-Has not yelled at me
-Is bread
-Can be eaten
-Might sing (unconfirmed)
-Only contains more bread within (confirmed)
-Does not treat me differently just because I am not bread
-Has never attacked me
-Is not something bad like falling over or never eating bread

I answer my front door in my coat, if it’s someone I want to see I say I’ve just got in and if it’s someone I really don’t want to see I say I was just on my way out, works every time.

If a cop pulls you over & asks if you know why. Answer “are you giving me a ticket or a quiz” for a free ride in their car.

[Lawyer]
“I can’t stress this enough. You cannot plead that you’re a wizard ok?”
“ok”
[Later in court]
“I plead that im a wizard your honor”

The main reason I’ve never committed armed robbery is directly related to how terrible I look on security footage.

I’m beginning to suspect I wasn’t sold a corgi

Uh oh 👀

Oh wow, she’s so whimsical and fun. Ope, I’m wrong. She’s just plastered in the middle of the day.

Me: Looks like someone got toad again, LOL

Snake: *bites me*

Capricorn: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?

Story idea: Man has his palm read, is told he will be killed within a year surrounded by penguins.

Man cancels his upcoming trip to Antarctica, avoids zoos, and then is shot dead at a Batman convention.

The thing about human relationships is that one person can be so overcome by a moment while the other person is thinking about KFC…

Just because the deodorant says 48 hours, it doesn’t mean you should challenge it

Not to brag, but Panera said I’m worth a treat so it’s good to know I’d go for at least $2 on the Panera black market.

My daughter just told me she doesn’t like Cadbury eggs and oh thank god bc the 12 I bought her accidentally fell into my facehole

them: what’d you do on your day off

me: wake up earlier than necessary

Being a parent means when you actually manage to find a pair of scissors they’re mysteriously sticky

Polyamorous: in a relationship with more than one partner

Monopoly-amorous: plays board games with more than one group of friends

me, as a child: I beat all my sisters at hide and seek today!

my dad: that’s good, but your brother Daniel is the reigning champ

me: who

Those a-hole guys on “Teen Mom” don’t think being a dad is “cool.” Well check me out #Responsibility never looked so “swag! ” lol

Me: Could we please have a cushion of time between Halloween and when the Christmas music starts playing?

All of retail: No.