Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t know why this driver threw his hands up and asked what I was doing. I thought it was pretty clear I was cutting him off.

My girlfriend didn’t hear what I said while I was sitting beside her on the couch so to make sure she heard me I went in the other room and muttered under my breath

The story of the Titanic speaks to me because I once tripped over a bag of ice at a party & then killed over 1,500 people.

Son?

“Yes dad?”

If they ever put me on my death bed… I want you to…

“Yes?”

Tell those idiots to put me on a life bed instead wtf

Bout to have a wild Saturday night playing Diablo III with children til the wee hours (probably around 8pm)

Wish I could cry like movie people with one graceful tear tracking down my face instead of looking like a tomato that fell on the floor.

I shall play you the song of my people
*stomach growls*

Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.

[God creating Neil deGrasse Tyson]

Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually that’s not how it happened

Thoughts and prayers for my five year old who just found onion in her onion rings

GENIE: u get 3 wishes!
ME: for my first wish, I want a never-ending bowl of guac
GENIE: guac, huh? Yeah, that’s gonna cost you an extra wish

16yo [talking w friend]: fam that’s lit af, tell bae and the squad that it’s on fleek

PARENT: *calls 911* i think my kid’s having a seizure

How to create a weight-loss program: (1) Take a before picture. (2) Eat like a pig. (3) Take an after picture. (4) Switch the pictures.

ME: sorry for the hold-up

TELLER: but you didn’t make me wait?

ME: *pulling a gun* haha no I’m Canadian

Well, well, well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own food choices.

[1692 Salem]
“BURN THE WITCH”

U HAVE A CROOKED NOSE, WITCH

“No, Frank, at the stake”

[quickly lighting torch]
Right, I knew that.

If you take a closer look, you will see a piece of mind your own business stuck in my teeth.

Me: the floor is lava

Pompeii: everything is lava

Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. She just started a new diet and I brought home half a chocolate cake from the office.

Back in the day my parents wanted me to marry only one of my own.
Now they’re like “That orangutan looks nice. That elephant looks smart.”

[performance review]

boss: what would you say is your biggest strength

me: i’m consistent

boss: but you’re late every morning

me: ya

Me: God, I just feel so
Brain: HUNGRY
M: No, I’m very alone. I desperately want
B: FOOD
M: Part of me is missing. All I need is
B: PRINGLES

*Runs fingers over Braille calendar*

Is this a date? It feels like a date.

Fortune Cookie:

For healthy looking skin, don’t get eaten by a bear.

I don’t understand people who punch walls. “I’m so mad, I want to spend all day tomorrow plastering over the hole I’m about to make.”

Sometimes I say “you’re welcommmme” to my husband for no reason in a super snobby voice just to watch him squirm.

[my mom pretends to answer her phone] hello? oh hi Batman…i dunno if he’s eating his vegetables or not
me: [mouth full of broccoli] i am!

me: can i get some ketchup?

waiter: sir, this is a 3 michelin star restaurant

me: my apologies. may i please have some crème de tomato a la heinz

When someone has a baby, I’m just like, OK, clearly you were desperate to have someone to hang out with

I’m so cultured I’m practically yogurt.