Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Everyone was texting her good morning sunshine, so I texted her “good morning solar eclipse”

Yeah, don’t do that.

My girlfriend knows every single important date in our relationship history and I know she hates olives. She loves olives? Something olives.

Every birth announcement I see the parents are like “we’re already so in love!” Just once I want a “she seems chill but we’ll see what happens”

I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.

I asked my daughter to make me a Pinterest board of what she’d like to redecorate her room and I just opened it up to see nothing but a bunch of pictures of people holding fistfuls of cash

If your girl can fold a fitted sheet, she probably has a good recipe for a spell using newts

Is it weird how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how weird it is?

If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.

[after getting pulled over]

cop: are you registered

me: i don’t vote

cop: i meant the car

me: no it doesn’t vote either

If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.

Ok guys, if anyone asks about what happened to this gallon of ice cream, I was mugged by a family of 8.

Don’t get it. Heard the phrase “keep your friends clothes & keep your enemies clothes, sir”. Now I have a bunch of naked people angry at me.

INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest strength?

ME: Getting out of corn mazes.

INTERVIEWER: Uhm…ok. And your greatest weakness?

ME: I keep finding myself unexpectedly in corn mazes.

INTERVIEWER: *realizes he’s in a corn maze* What the hell?

ME: Guess this is my time to shine.

Frankenstein’s monster is on a date.

Her: “So, are you religious?”

Him: “I’m part Catholic.”

Her: “On your father’s or mother’s side?”

Him: “Neither, it’s my left foot.”

#FrankensteinFriday #RubbishJokes

Deer: *frozen in headlights*

Deer’s mom: I TOLD you to bring a sweater

I finally had to tell the dog he was adopted.

My girlfriend wants me to stain the new wooden fence in her backyard. So I’m going to eat spaghetti over it for a few weeks

Netflix suggested I watch my kids.

My kids love taking turns. For example, they take turns pushing down the garbage so neither one of them has to take it out.

[first day working in a restaurant]

me: *writes ‘tip jar’ on a glass*

cat: *reads sign*

me: oh no

two bros having a conversation in the 1700s like “omg we should totally start a pamphlet”

This guy gets it.

restaurants: hey kid. wanna color in some trees? a castle? some animals? grassy hills? here’s a blue and a red crayon.

[at the club]

Me: I got the moves

Her: it’s “runs”

You: (about to show me a video on your phone)

Me: oh haha ya i’ve seen this already but def don’t ask me any questions about it

Excuse me while I go powder the inside of my nose.

So I was in a shoe store this morning and was trying on a shoe.

I said to the assistant: “It’s too tight”.

She said: “Try it with the tongue out”,

I said: “It’th nho ghood, it’th thtill thoo thight!”

PRESIDENT OBAMA: I pardon this turkey-

TURKEY: Nope. I’m ready. 2016 was a shit show. Kill me now

I saw my son go quietly into his bedroom with a broom and dustpan. It’s taken me awhile to learn this, but I now know that there are some questions best left unasked.

A missing 3YO was found inside a bowling alley claw game. After many failed attempts to get him out, police just settled on the turtle doll.