Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Netflix: Are you still there?

Me: <in bed, potato chips in hair, dirty pajamas, no makeup, cats surrounding me> Do you really have to ask?

New trend:

“Haunting”

It’s the opposite of ghosting. You break up, but hang around relentlessly.

everyone’s following their dreams while I’m over here happily following a food truck

Who called it America and not the fast food and the furious?

Camp Detective: [struggling to get out of a hammock] I suppose you’re all – ugh – I suppose you’re all wondering – mmmmph! Goddamit – why I called you here toda- no! Don’t help me I CAN DO IT

It amazes me how the moon controls the tides from hundreds of thousands of miles away…

yet, it’s a struggle to get my kid to pick up toys from only a few feet away

My wife just threatened to kill me in my sleep, which seems much less horrifying than being killed wide awake. She’s always been thoughtful.

Kids today will never understand just how COOL it felt to be a little white girl singing all the words to “Gangsta’s Paradise”.

“nft” sounds like an onomatopoeia of a little toot sneaking out

The distorted faces and primal noises I made during labor do not even touch my husband’s performance when he’s in the throes of a toe cramp.

Sperm me would be swimming in the other direction

I don’t know what’s a video game and what’s a movie anymore. I think I was trying to play a movie for a few hours last night.

When it comes to gifts, I’m easy to buy for. I want what every woman wants: a domesticated raccoon that is willing to assist me with petty crimes.

Autoimmune disease means you’re invincible to dying in a car accident.

Oh we’ve met.

“There’s no eye in Teams” I exclaim turning off my laptop camera

Want to piss your girlfriend off?
Text her “He’s busy.” and turn off your phone.

I’d be safe working at Boeing (I’m not blowing anything these days)

my gf told me she slept with 5 different women in college and said she “experimented” girl that’s not experimenting you did peer reviewed research

Preowned Jaguar for sale. Beloved family member, excellent shape. Wife forced me to put her up for sale after she (the jaguar) ate the kids.

When I was younger, I thought all the sexual acts were numbered and everyone just knew them, like 69.

So I would just say random numbers and act surprised when others didn’t know about it.

On Twitter, I still need to pretend I know what y’all talking about..

Only I can prevent forest fires? Why are you leaving me in charge of forest fires? I can’t even prevent chafing.

Drinking wheatgrass juice is a great way to know what being a lawnmower tastes like.

ME: sorry for the hold-up

TELLER: but you didn’t make me wait?

ME: *pulling a gun* haha no I’m Canadian

Who called it a yes man and not an indulge gent

Hi, Id like to buy a Nutri-Bullet, pls.

Salesperson: Ah, nice. Off on a cleanse or health kick?

Yes. *imagines drinking lasagna* For sure.

My friend keeps saying, “cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”

I know he means well.

*young woman walks by
Wife: Wow, she looks really good, don’t you think?
Me: NO WAY, I’M NOT GOING TO FALL FOR THAT

It’s like 10,000 goons
When all you need
Is a knight