Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How many Happy Meals do you need to eat before they start to work? I’ve just had six and I feel terrible.

Walmart keeps two elderly people on staff at all times: one to greet you, and one to walk slowly in front of you on the way out.

The Masters would be a lot more interesting if there were starving alligators roaming through out the golf course.

The best natural phenomenon is when a species lovingly accepts an orphan of another species, like how my fries have accepted this onion ring

Vote for me I’ll cut the alphabet in half

The instructions for this tent is just a picture of a husband yelling at his wife, that’s weird.

Me: Ok I’ll be back in 3 hours.

Boss: No, do it in your own time please.

Me: Ok I’ll be back in 12 Flinglongs.

Me: Please wait to eat your Craisins until we’re in the car
*5 secs later
Me: What’re you eating?
5yo: *Mouthful of Craisins* ……Nothing

Me – When did we get a porch light?
Wife – OK, drink time is over.
Me – Why?
Wife – That’s the moon.

[first time hunting]

friend: I’m out of shells do you have any

me: *choking on pistachio* a few

I appreciate a dentist who accepts “I didn’t really expect to live this long” as the answer to why I haven’t been properly taking care of my teeth.

Give me the nuclear codes. No one would expect me to have them

Probably the worst thing about the death of print media is the devastating effect it’s having on the producers of traditional ransom notes.

i hope that everyone who forgot to wish me a happy national boston terrier day yesterday spends eternity burning in hell

Oh Magic 8-Ball, will anyone ever love me?

If kidnappers shoved me in a car and put a bag over my head I’d try to lighten the mood by being like It’s getting darker so much earlier these days

When did we start calling shirts “tops?” Was shirt too hard for ya?

Remember when the current stupidest thing was the “Gotta Get Down on Friday” song? We didn’t know how good we had it.

No thanks, cosmetics lady. I’m years past ‘bare & natural’. Save us both some time & show me the stuff you’d need to prep & refinish a wall.

Is there a way I can filter out all work emails except the ones telling me there are donuts or cake in the office?

ME: I got you a therapy cat

WIFE: THAT’S A LION!

ME: I wouldn’t yell around Roarschach

Whenever Becky says anything in the breakroom, I just say, “well, that got racist pretty fast” and walk out. I hate you so much, Becky.

I just got a DM from a chick asking for a retweet and she didn’t even attempt to tell me how good looking or funny I was first, so rude.

I like to finish my pelvic exam by asking the doctor ‘hey, where’d your watch go?’

Spice Girls really missed out when they wouldn’t let that girl Pumpkin be in the group

I feel bad for tailgating this minivan so closely but once I started watching Kung Fu Panda on his back seat TV I had to see it through.

The last 3 minutes of any podcast could all be confessions to murder and we’d never know

I deserve an Oscar for my performance of “oh I’ve never tried this before” while getting samples at Costco

All I’m saying is once your kid passes first grade you can stop spending $$$ on school pictures. Second grade and up always gets their pictures taken after recess.

[wedding]

“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”

ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR

*priest drops bible*