Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A good wedding prank is to say “I do” but just before the priest pronounces you man and wife, add “…karate.”

i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue

[bedtime]

SON: Can you leave the light on?

ME: So it’ll be easier for the monsters to find you?

SON: What?

ME: What?

thinking about the time someone asked me if there was any dairy in the tres leches cake i got. yes there’s tres

Not even remotely sorry.

Me: 5, 4, 3..

Friend who has only 1 kid: “Why are you counting down?? They’re all playing nice.”

Me: 2, 1, 0

Kid 1 {Scream crying}

Kids 2 and 3: “I DIDN’T DO IT!”

Friend: “Oh.”

ME: my dog ate my homework

TEACHER AT MY DOG FOOD CULINARY SCHOOL: that is good

*grabs bag of lettuce*

Lettuce: Finally, she’s going to use me!

*picks up cupcake container that was under it, sets lettuce back down, and closes refrigerator door*

Lettuce: Jerk.

Sometimes I think about when a woman told me I did it the easy way having twins and I didn’t kick her in the crotch.

Stop me if you’ve heard this one

Daddy I’m full

Ok, but the kitchen is closed for the night

(after cleaning up dinner)

Daddy I’m hungry

Me: Am I in trouble?

Her: [Starts Alanis Morissette and Olivia Rodrigo playlist]

Me: Oh no.

Cop: License?
Me: Here.
Cop: Sir this is a notecard with “Liscence” on it. And above that you wrote and crossed out “Lysense” and “Lisance.”

🤣🤣🤣🤣

Ever woken up, kissed the person sleeping next to you and felt glad to be alive? I just did, so I won’t be catching this train again.

The Rock missed a huge opportunity not naming his daughter “Pebbles.”

The seance was ruined when everyone realized that the only spirit speaking through me was vodka.

My tiny pocket in my jeans is actually to put my annual salary

My age reversal cream is working. It gave me zits.

Why does non alcoholic beer exist? Do people who manufacture it think we drink beer because of its taste?? We drink beer to message our ex at 2 am and tell her that we still miss her.

Me, walking around the limbo bar: Imbeciles

Wife got peanut butter M&M’s and mint M&M’s and mixed them in the same bowl because she’s not interested in making this relationship work.

Today, a coworker was tellin’ me about her son. Last week, he got caught skippin’ school. And his punishment? A week’s suspension!🤔🤣

[me, from cold stone] launch the missiles

My baby girl and I like to play a game called poop or toot. She makes a face and I get to sniff her diaper. There are no winners.

Husband: *leaves to run an errand*

Me: *crosses out “get husband to leave” off to-do list*

My mother was so overprotective we were only allowed to play rock, paper.

No one would ever question Siri’s directions if she said them with more conviction. “Keep right, if you want to live.”

Not saying my inability to remember popular figures of speech killed my journalism career, but it was probably the last snail in the coffee.

I’ve been yelling for years.

Now I’m convinced.

I’m definitely the only one here playing Marco Polo.

Run yourself luxurious baths, while you’re still young and fit to climb in and out!