(Art Museum)
Me:*sees nature painting*
*pulls out sharpie*
*draws sun in the top left corner*
My 5th Grade Art Teacher: *thumbs up* nice
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ME: I’m not voting for anyone
CLINTON: that’s a vote for Trump!
TRUMP: that’s a vote for Clinton!
ME: looks like I’m voting twice then
So crazy to think that a group of ninjas could be fighting right next to me and I’d never know
[first date]
me: are you a reader?
date: omg i love reading
me: [handing her my menu] thank god
In one class I have a Bella, an Ella, an Eli and an Ellie. Say those names quickly three times in a row and Bloody Mary appears to steal your freshly sharpened pencils.
The Supreme Court is really just a regular court with tomatoes and sour cream.
[first day as a weatherman]
ANCHOR: sounds like cold weather may be on the way, Brandon, whats this i hear about three inches?
ME: *nervously adjusting tie* i’ve been told it’s an adequate amount Jim
The life cycle of pickles:
Day 1: Wife buys pickles
Day 1: I eat picklesDay 2: I replace pickles
Day 2: I eat picklesDay 3: Wife notices missing pickles
Day 3: Both buy pickles
Day 3: I eat pickles
Everything that is wrong with America, in one image.
“So, this is your so called ‘surprise gift’?”
Me: It’s America’s birthday!
Kid: Like Brave?
Me: Yes! Home of the brave. So smart!
Kid: I like her orange hair.
Me: …ok let’s start over.
My skin is so dry that I can’t tell if it’s kidding.
“Hope you’re enjoying the sunshine!”
No, I’m at a desk reading your email.
Never trust a fireworks dealer that has all 10 fingers
The funniest thing about Batman is that he legitimately doesn’t give a shit about crime that happens during the day.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Is a personal shopper someone who just goes on Amazon for you now?
So I put one (1) ancient mummified corpse in a tub of water to see if it would rehydrate into a zombie, and now I’m some kind of weirdo? OK, whatever. Halloween is gonna suck this year, and that’s on you.
Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.
I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is ok when their mouth is full.
Me [camping]:
We’re out of wood, so I’m going to go chop some more after my hike.Me [at home]:
I would change the channel, but the remote is 2.7 millimeters out of reach.
11: how large is Scotland Yard?
Me: a yard is 3 feet. So…
11: never mind, I will ask google.
A friend with a wine shop simplified wine tasting down to one question: Did you like it? I take this same approach with most writing and most other things and rarely feel a need to judge or rate or analyze in any more detail than that. Well, that and did it give you a headache?
An Apple a day may keep the Doctor away!!!… But an Onion a day keeps Everybody away!!!
My 4yo tells me his toothpaste is “too spicy” but he doesn’t seem to be having any trouble with Flamin’ Hot Cheetos
[First day as a Scientist]
Boss: We need some petrified wood
Me: *Tells ghost stories to a tree*
Getting married is easy, staying married is hard.
Just ask my girlfriend, her husband drives her crazy.
how come you never see animal cruelty people protesting turtlenecks?
If you schedule me for a conference call after hours…I’ll participate.
But I’m just going to sit on the phone and bark the whole time.
T Mobile confirming my account via text when I have no service will not be lost on me.
*puts on sexy underwear and high heels*
*grabs whip*
*flicks whip*
*searches for scissors to extricate whip from hair*
My favourite part of the Bible is when the little guy finally throws his ring into the volcano.