Art: Stop it.
Life: *mockingly* Stopp iiit.
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them: is that a real sword
me: why would i walk around with a toy sword. that’s crazy
The lady next to me on this plane thinks I’m in her seat, she keeps asking what my ticket says.
Looks like we have a big problem, cause my ticket doesn’t talk.
A particularly friendly email response from me could mean either:
a) I am happily responding to you.
b) I’ve never wanted to kill someone more but I want you to do the thing that I’ve asked.
Sorry I’m late, I was untangling my AirPods.
[on date]
“I think we should take this a step farther”
Actually, farther implies distance, while further is figurati-
*date already left*
DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman
[God & his assistant making giraffes]
ASST: Say “when” once the neck is long enough, k?
*God is on his iPhone not really paying attention*
My kid: Did you know that you can see your own nose, but your brain chooses to ignore it?
Me: Kinda like how your brain chooses to ignore the mess in your room?
[at seance]
Me: We call the spirit of my dead husband.
Ghost Husband: I’m here.
Me: Move the planchette to send a message to me on this ouija board.
Ghost Husband: Ok wait. That’s just a piece of paper that says “I’m sorry” and “you were right”
My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he’s finished.
My whole life is like when you’re talking to someone and your gum falls out of your mouth.
Boss: Are you drinking liquor at work?
*flashes back to pouring apple juice into a whiskey bottle bc I couldn’t find a thermos*
“Yes”
My son just said there was too much cheese on his quesadilla. I don’t understand where I went wrong.
having twitter is just like reading the newspaper except the newspaper is on fire and all the writers hate you
Ugh. My bed is infested with children.
Hold a grudge? I’m still mad at a song from 1995 that confused irony with coincidence.
wife: Why are there dishes in the sink?
my son’s last words: Because you didn’t do them
Gang Leader: If you wanna join, you need to prove you’re fearless
Me: People ask me to social events and I actually go
Gang Leader: *takes step back* holy shit
“Hey, people who cover their mouth when they laugh; noone is trying to steal your teeth”, i hiss through my very normal amount of teeth.
My public school was so bad the only thing I know about Africa is Toto.
[Confessional Booth]
Catholic: I’ve done a terrible thing, will I still make it into Heaven?
Me, as a priest: *shakes Magic 8 Ball* My sources say no.
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re dead Linda
Apparently Bird Box is not a KFC $5 fill up. I know this now…
“thank you all for coming to my crisis” i say as i turn to face everyone in the elevator
drew a comic about my origin story
For those who don’t know the difference, GRAPHIC NOVELS are COMPLETE stories, where as COMICS are people I try not to date any more.
Mediums are on the decline because no one from the past wants to talk to us anymore
A – absolute
D – disaster
U – usually
L – looking
T – tired
I try not to be loud in the office restroom stall unless my boss is in the restroom, because then I want to prove I’m not just goofing off.