Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

As our eyes met across a crowded room, he turned to the man next to him and said, “that’s her…” and that’s how the cop delivered the restraining order

SEA LION 1: “More like shark *weak* amirite?”
SEA LION 2: “Hahaha”
SHARK: “Hey guys, what ya watching?”
[Sea lions jump onto ceiling fan]

Its awkward touching hands with another man in a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man & he doesnt know youre eating his popcorn

Husband: *snoring*

It’s like he’s trying to tell me something

*snoring*

What is it boy?

*snoring intensifies*

Timmy’s stuck in a well?

It takes a keen ear to pick out a girl’s “I haven’t finished but I know you’re about to, so I’ll try to be supportive” moan.

[staff meeting]
Boss: Does anyone have any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Boss: Candy
Me: Does anyone care if I take the last blueberry muffin?

I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.

You can tell a lot about a person by their reaction when you yell “look out!” while flicking a dinner plate at their head like a frisbee.

Everyone talks about how social media is bad for your mental health but what about Excel?

my friend: i really need your help with getting over my ex…

me after stalking my ex’s IG & every girl he follows for the last 4 hours: omg yes ofc you’ve come to the right person

If you don’t cut the cake in pieces and just eat the whole thing, then you only had one piece, right???

Jeff Bezos could afford to buy one large candy bar for every American on Halloween but he doesn’t

“Nice” – first kangaroo to realise it had a pocket

If possums have taught me anything, it’s how to dramatically play dead when anyone comes over unannounced.

Husband seen complaining about a plate that hadn’t been cleaned properly which he’d personally cleaned.

What’s faster than the speed of light?

A female untagging herself from an unflattering photo.

Sitting next to a priest on my flight. I sneeze. I’m waiting for him to say “Bless you.” Nothing. I guess it’s his day off?

Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit
Me: ok
Dentist: I’ve been sleeping with your mom

Todd on Facebook hates being sick.

Really Todd? Most people love it.

Flight attendant: As you’ve sat near the emergency doors, you have to help me in an emergency
Me: ok

[3 months later]
Flight attendant *calling me* omg help I’ve been stabbed
Me: wtf

The best backflip ever!💕🤗🤗

[job interview]

How did you lose your last job?

“I quit because I wanted a career with a bright future.”

Sir, this is McDonald’s.

I got about 8 seconds into explaining the Kate Middleton situation to my French husband before he told me, in the Frenchest voice imaginable, “ah yes, that’s why we decided not to have those sorts of people anymore”

[a movie on dvd]
ugh, i’ve seen that a million times

[the same movie on tv with commercials]
OOH, IT’S JUST STARTING

My grandpa purposefully takes his hearing aids out so he can’t hear my kids. I don’t blame him. I’m jealous of him.

[Sweden’s famous Ice Hotel]
Vinnie: how are we going to break into the vault?
Donnie: leave it to me *screws silencer onto hairdryer*

I’m no therapist but I’d suggest that the fact that you’ve whined about your ex here every day for a year may be why he left you.

No, your message in a bottle does not find me well, it finds me drowning

Big respect to the guy in this cafe trying to make the woman he’s with feel better because she’s saying how bad her eyesight is getting, by telling her “no but everything is so small these days. No one can see anything”