Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.

Lose wallet.
Panic.
Ask everyone if they’ve seen it.
Tear your car and house apart.
Drive all over the city retracing your steps.
Give up.
Cancel credit and debit cards.
Find your wallet under a piece of paper on the nightstand.
Blame the dog

Me: Life really can’t get worse than this, can it?

Life: LOL you’re stuck in a car wash now

[hearing news of an apocalyptic asteroid] best put the car in the garage

So far the hardest thing about learning how to swallow swords has been cutting the swords up into chewable chunks.

I’ve never had a problem stepping up to the plate.

We’re talking about food, right?

Baby proofing is like trying to plug a giant hole with your finger, much more effective is to duct tape your child to the floor in the middle of an empty room

Got talking to a girl last night, asked her name. She said everyone calls me Vivaldi. I said is that because your a great Violinist.
She said no, it’s because my names Viv and I work at Aldi.😳😳

“There’s more than one way, to skin a cat.”

Things not to say to a woman, when they ask if you prefer shaved or trimmed.

Kid: Mommy’s last name must be “Honey” cuz that’s what daddy calls her

Teacher: That’s SWEET. What’s her first name?

Kid: “Sorry,” I think

Big deal, snakes that can unhinge their jaw, I can unhinge my whole self.

Using my dog as a shield, but just to absorb the slobber from my other dog.

people in the Bronze Age actually lived far more luxurious lives than our own. Archaeological evidence indicates that they had vases with octopuses on them. do you have that? didnt think so

I said something about my Twitter friends to my husband yesterday and he asked me where they live (I don’t know), what they do for a living (I don’t know), if I know their last names (I do not), can I see a picture (sure!), those are cartoons, what do they really look like? (uhh)

interviewer: one last question, name the coldest place on earth?

me: my ex’s heart

interviewer:

me:

interviewer: [holding back tears] you’re hired !!!

Dr: you have pneumonia
Hillary: what’s pneumonia
Me: *fighting off secret service* not much monia what’s pneu with you

.@WebMD Should blood basically be cascading out of my nose when I look at the sun ?

You get home from work early. You walk into the kitchen and your dog is peeling a potato. Startled, she yells “IT’S JUST A POTATO!”
#ambien

Just want to apologize to all the unlucky women that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped him.

Why do Mexicans eat tamales on Christmas?

Because they’re delicious, you racist asshole.

My time has come.

There’s no need to use military time with me. I’m pretty sure I won’t show up for the pizza party at 5 am, ya nerd.

I always get self conscious buying toilet paper like some high schooler is gonna take a picture of me and post it online with the caption “lmao this dude poops”

*overheard from the other room

8yo: Can I have an ice cream sandwich?

Grandma: Did you finish your dinner?

8yo: No

Grandma: Just one then

Confetti is shot outta cannons at my funeral. Everyone picks through it wondering why it doesn’t look right. “Oh god. Are these her bones?!”

The booster protects against what, now?

Me: *wandering around ‘Free Speech’ rally* “Hey, when do they give out the peaches?! Anyone?!”

No, you can’t have candy for breakfast. Don’t be silly. Now be quiet and let me finish my peppermint mocha frappuccino.

true friends will unglue your lips from your leg when DIY waxing goes terribly wrong

This video changed my life . I need to know their backstory. I need to know every person in this group.