Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Finally, a cream that replaces me with another person

ME (teaching driver’s ed): quick, what did that sign we just passed say?

STUDENT: um

ME: this is important

STUDENT: *reluctantly* McDonald’s, one mile, exit 7A?

ME: good. stay in the right lane and ready your blinker

Badminton implies the existence of Goodminton and Alrightminton.

I think I speak for everyone when I say how dare you, Oreo serving size, how dare you.

Called in, “Let’s make this simple. What excuse haven’t I used yet?

My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!

My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?

Your move, grandpa.

The guy I’ve been paying to pick up poop in my backyard just realized that I don’t own any animals.

Me: Honey, would you please go downstairs and get mommy’s medicine and bring it up to her?

3yo: *Brings up a bottle of whiskey*

Me:

Hubby: “Well, she’s not wrong…”

feel so stupid. none of them have the mustache. no way to tell which baby is hitler.

Hot single narcissists in your area want to be rude to you and then pretend nothing happened.

kids: the floor is lava

teens: the floor is laundry

Friend: Have you ever had an epiphany?

Me: Is it a little chocolate candy?

Friend: No.

Me: Then, no.

Some people can never, ever admit they’re wrong. I’m not one of them though I was definitely wrong about you

Got kicked out of reincarnation club for yelling yolo

Father-in-law criticizing too much tablet time for my kids.

Things I have suggested for him to do with my kids:
Just Dance
Plant Flowers
Park
Play Cards
Bake Cookies
Play Softball
Go for a walk
Watch Encanto
Fly kites

Things my FIL has agreed to do with my kids:

Cats will have a King sized bed all to themselves and still lie on the one spot where you left your sweatshirt.

“Pass the joint.”

-Cannibals at dinner

“How’d ya get that bruise on your cheek?”

*remembers dropping her phone on her face in bed*

Me: Street Fight

cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55

me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha

cop: sure whatever

[later in traffic court]

judge: how were you going 420 in a 55

My husband and I ran out of toothpaste a month ago and neither of us said anything out loud but we’re both waiting on the other to buy more. The silver lining is we are finally making a dent in 15 years of travel-sized toothpaste containers from the dentist.

Picked my kid up from a playdate at a pristine home and the mom said “excuse the mess” so I guess that’s the end of that friendship

To the person who honked to get me out of my parking space faster, thank you for inspiring me to delete 3000 emails right here, right now.

Why put it off till tomorrow when you can get a jumpstart and start screwing it up today.

You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough

Hey don’t get mad at us just because Generation X got the cool nickname

My parents moved a lot when I was younger.

My sister and I always managed to track them down though.

He said he likes curvy women and what my man wants, my man gets

*eats 14th Oreo cookie*

ME: “I don’t want sex tonight”
GIRLFRIEND: “ok”
Reverse phycology doesn’t work on women.

Let’s be honest: The documentary they were making before the Blair Witch killed them would have sucked