Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.

People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.

Bandanas are back in style, it only took a worldwide pandemic.

do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like

Current life status – By the time I figure out what nostril is plugged, it jumps to the other side.

I had to stop food journaling when the potato numbers started rolling in.

I moved the karaoke machine from under my bed to the kitchen so I can sing along when cooking. It scares the dog and drives my daughter crazy so I’d say it’s a big hit.

ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
ME: The baby giraffe broke the TV
WIFE: We don’t have a-
ME: Aaaaand now the good news

same energy

One day, some dude was all “You know where we should save our money? Inside a statue of a pig,” and everybody went “That is a GREAT idea.”

If you can’t handle my interpretive dance to November Rain than you don’t deserve me doing splits on the hood of your car to Whitesnake.

God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then

*jazz hands*

I have a friend who’s SUPER into Shakespeare.

She’s bardcore.

During a full Moon a house turns into a warehouse

If you’re having a bad day just remember, somewhere in the world someone’s telling their parents they’re a life coach

I always chalk the pool cue as if it is going to make a difference

Crazy to think during a small window of time that Shaq was 5’2”

That dress was wearable way before your “cami” intervened. India and lingerie sites. *rolls eyes*

“You said, and I quote, ‘Make me a bowl of food.’”

“This is why no one likes you, Jeff.”

how about a movie where an old man teaches a kid karate with the ulterior motive for him to one day win a car waxing contest

All the Christmas gifts I wrap look like they were done by a drunk elf with a tape fetish.

Did it again.

Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes

It’s really odd but it appears women want a boyfriend that lives thousands of miles away and is married.

I’m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous

What’s that Batman movie quote? “You either die a hero, or live long enough to hit the gas instead of the brake and drive your Buick through the front doors of the pharmacy”?

[text]
Hub: I have to go to the doctor.
Me: Is it your eyes?
Hub: Yes!
Me: Is your vision blurry?
Hub: Yes!!
Me: You’re wearing my contacts.

When my nudes go to the cloud I always hope God is impressed.

thin ice you say? *starts riverdancing*