Art teacher: I think you’ve misunderstood. It’s the models who will be nude.
Me: Well this is awkward.
You Might Also Like
there should be a reverse halloween where ghosts and monsters dress up as people and knock on doors yelling “math or medicine!”
date: I’m a really big people person
frankenstein: omg, same
mondays are the worst day of the week because no one likes you unless you’re a holiday
Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.
Whoever said “find joy in the small things” clearly didn’t know my ex.
Yoda: In the Light Side, the real power is.
Luke: The Emperor controls the galaxy. You live in a swamp.
Her: I always secretly believed I was the lucky one in our relationship. Bet you felt the same!
Me: True. I also secretly thought you were the lucky one.
Her:
Me: Guess you should’ve kept that secret, huh?
I’m convinced that Santa is so jolly because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.
Doctor: are u high?
Me: no, why?
D: bc ur dressed like Batman
M: well maybe Batman dresses like me
D:…
M: alright yea im a lil high
*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*
CONCERT
AC/DC: Who’s ready to be Thunderstruck?
CROWD: *screams
ME: [from front row] IT’S IMPOSSIBLE TO BE STRUCK BY THUNDER!
me: Why is Spider Man in the freezer?
7 year old: He knows why
Communing with the fog in the woods, anyone need anything?
me: so the wife and I started running the dishwasher in the morning instead of at night and it’s had a real positive impact on our days, for example-
officer writing ticket: i’ll let you go if you just please stop talking
boss: trouble at home?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] yeah
boss: wife giving you grief?
me: there’s a bee in my kitchen
i miss catholic school. i just remembered when a girl gave up mirrors for lent. she would duck and scurry into a stall every time we walked into the bathroom… you just don’t run into that kind of weird every day now
When I was younger MTV actually played videos. That’s what the M stands for. Music. Not Maternity, Motherhood or Moron.
Of course I want to connect with my high school boyfriend’s mom thank you LinkedIn.
Tell the barista your name is Beetlejuice and quietly walk out.
[superhero meeting]
“What’s your enemy called?”
“Dr Doom. Yours?”
“Joker”
[stifles laughter]
“I HAVE OTHERS”
“Ye-”
“Penguin”
[just loses it]
I’m just a girl adding $132 worth of merchandise to my cart so I don’t have to pay the $10 shipping charge.
Yes, of course I love French films.
Have you seen Rugrats in Paris?
How bout you make like fabric softener and bounce.
What do you call a restaurant that sells only beans?
A gas station.
4yo: I had a dream about u mommy
Me: I feel so special
4yo: I flushed u down the toilet
JERY: Maybe you can just go back
TERESA MAY: go back ?
JERY: Ya. pretend brexit never happened.
MAY: you mean just walk into the EU meeting on Monday morning like it never hapened?
JERY: Sure. People dont take england seriously
If you say “it’s twelve noon,” I assume you eat cow beef and didn’t do well at education school
My sister’s fiance is visiting from England on Friday, i thought I’d surprise him so I’ve been driving on the wrong side of the road
I’ve never been #BackToTheFuture , but my mom always used to promise me she’d knock me into next week if I didn’t behave.