Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*goes 100mph in Prius
*gets pulled over by police
Cop: HOW

milne: it’s stuffed animals, but they’re so f**king dumb

publisher: what?

milne: the tiger can’t spell

publisher: no

milne: the bear won’t wear pants

publisher: *getting up* this is terrible

milne: there’s a depressed donkey

publisher: *sitting back down* …how depressed?

Has anyone told ice cream shops about big napkins?

“I’m gonna put this somewhere safe” is an ancient incantation that opens a portal to a random point in another timeline, through which all safely kept things travel, never to be seen again.

tv: low volume

tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds

tv: low volume

tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds

[when I watch tv & eat chips]

…a dentist on a toothpaste commercial with stethoscope around neck…, if my dentist started to listen to my heart I would freak out.

Soldier: The target entered a building
General: Find and detain him
Soldier: It’s… a candy cane factory
General: *slams fist* DAMN YOU WALDO

Wolverine was named that because he was a combination of a wolf and a nectarine I will not be taking questions at this time.

In Canada, street racing is just people competing to see who can dig their car out of the snow first.

When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.

My boyfriend is not gay!! So please next time you see him with some girls dnt come telling me.

Friend: I’m not trying to butt heads with you, but…

Me: *dons helmet, tightens chin strap, braces for impact* BRING IT!

ME: *closes to Kill a Mockingbird*
WIFE: did you actually read it?
ME: yup
WIFE: what happens
ME: (very confidently) it was a bird massacre

Elmo: Elmo says this just him coping

Oscar: I don’t care, it’s morbid and- oh hey Bert

Bert: Ahem *nods to jar under arm*

Oscar: Hey Urn-ie

I just remembered that Sun Chips made a fully biodegradable bag and people were like “this sucks, it’s too loud” as if Sun Chips consumers need a tactical stealth corn snack. Like buddy you’re eating sour cream and onion chips not infiltrating Bin Laden’s compound.

[first time hunting]

friend: I’m out of shells do you have any

me: *choking on pistachio* a few

Eight maids a-milking
Seven swans a-swimming
Six geese a-laying
Five onion rings
Four calling birds
Three french hens
Two turtle doves, and
A partridge in a pear tree….

Dwayne Johnson: Yup, that’s today’s meal prep done!

me: you have to be nice or Santa won’t bring you any toys this year

5:

me:

5: my brother lets me play with his

i’m a single issue voter. i’m single and it’s an issue

That rare moment when you wake up actually feeling ok, then catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror looking like a kidnapped shed.

I think you misunderstood–when I said, “Let me look into it” that meant, “I don’t know exactly how to tell you no just yet”

Simply Red’s piano player just couldn’t be arsed

It’s just really offensive because you know my name isn’t THAT difficult to pronounce and its SO DISRESPECTFUL and I am OUTRA…

friend: your name badge is on upside down

Sorry I’m late, there was an octopus throwing pies at me so I was literally… Occupied

I need some sun. My legs are so white they just drove to Whole Foods in their Prius.

I heard that #TheDress debate has already destroyed 18 relationships. These people probably shouldn’t be breeding anyway.

Chefs: you eat with your eyes first

Me, eating with my mouth: oh no

[Lou Bega voice]

One, two, three four

[Proclaimers voice]

five hundred miles

As a retiree, I have two pairs of pajamas. Bedtime and daytime. Sometimes I get them confused.

Grease is my favourite film about a group of high-school kids who have been kept back for 17 years