Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: it’s okay in my book

5: what book? can I see the book?

me: it’s hypothetical

5: what’s hypothetical mean?

me: well, um, hold on, there’s gotta be a book around here somewhere…

Princess: U alone?
Luigi: Ya. Mario lookin 4 u underwater.
P: lol. wut?
L: ya idk. meet up?
P: sure. go-karts
L: k i’ll bring bananas

I always blame other people for my problems and it’s all your fault.

If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?

Me, 20’s & 30’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You had a good time, then!
Me, 40’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You need to see a neurologist.

H: I’m so tired of people making lame jokes about going into labor on Labor Day.

M: *slowly pulling pillow out of shirt* same

ME: Hey, what are you building?

PAL: A new kitchen counter

ME: That seems…

PAL: Please don’t

ME: …counterproductive

If you really wanna honor the spirit of 2017, instead of kissing someone at midnight, push them off a bridge

I eat something every 29 minutes just to ensure no one can ever make me go swimming.

My husband just said, “I have a game I think you’d be interested in that I bet you haven’t heard of…

It’s called Wordle”

Wife: *slicing an apple* Would you like some?

Me: Why would I want to eat raw pie?

remember

only for emergencies

Trump says that Obama founded ISIS but in his defense Donald thinks that founded is a synonym for “located”

“god has a plan for you” ok well i have some notes for him

[police lineup]

COP: number three step forward and say the phrase on your card

ME: who says you can’t pull your chair right up to the buffet?

WITNESS: omg yes that’s him, officer

No, I was not playing with myself during the zoom meeting. I was petting my dog

I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.

Let me get this straight: Rumpelstiltskin gives you a ton of gold, saves your life, AND takes your first born off your hands and he’s a bad guy?

I like to watch the murder shows on Investigation Discovery so I don’t make the same mistakes those killers did.

My coworker Pete got fired and apparently I didn’t lighten the mood by calling him Obsol-Pete.

*walks into business conference*

*everyone stares and gasps because I have a hotel coffee cup instead of Starbucks*

*one lady starts crying and gives me her cup*

Best table by far

Bringing in an edit button would deny us glorious tweets like these

I’ll bet Charles Manson would’ve made one hell of a used car salesman. If he could talk a bunch of kids into murder, how hard could it be for him to get you into a 97 Camry?

my roomba is carrying a beer around the house and eating chips off the floor just like me

This ATM has just charged me £2 for a transaction but told me to cover my PIN to prevent from being robbed.

Pretty ironic if you ask me.

worst online experience has gotta be finding a reddit post that outlines your exact symptoms and every comment is like “you should go to the hospital” and someone says “any update OP?” but the OP hasnt posted in 5 years

I pointed out to my wife that she left the front door unlocked last night, and she’s now providing me with a helpful chronological history of every stupid thing I’ve done.

Penguin: is it true birds fly south for the winter?

God: yes but you don’t need to fly.

Penguin: why?

God: you already live as far south as possible.

Penguin: oh yeah!

God: and you live there all year long!

Penguin: oh man the other birds are gonna be so jealous : )