Art teacher: I think you’ve misunderstood. It’s the models who will be nude.
Me: Well this is awkward.
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What do you mean I can’t get a refund on this broken lamp?
Ma’am you bought it from my yard sale a year ago! *slams door*
Sorry but why wasn’t Jesus suspicious when he got invited to the “Last Supper”
My gas mower died so I replaced it with an electric one. It doesn’t smoke or smell and is really quiet and now I don’t know how I’m supposed to alert the rival dads when I’m beating them to cutting the grass.
I just locked eyes with a spider.
But instead of killing him I ran away and hid, so he can spend the night stressing about where I am.
5 easy ways to make money as a writer:
• Sell your blood
• Return cans and bottles
• Shoplift and re-sell items from a cart
• Learn to play guitar and busk
• Pawn your laptop
Me: I don’t like scones.
British Friend: Ah mate you just haven’t had them the proper way.
Me: What do you mean?
British Friend: You need some good jam, a scoop of clotted cream, have some tea and take sips in between bit-
Me: I dont think you like scones either.
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
To the boy who proposed to me in elementary school: can we talk about this once more?
In 2016 I stayed at a hotel that offered “all-day room service starting at 5 p.m.”
I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I’ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.
Asked a vegetarian if she’d heard this song, then remembered vegos are too weak to turn on radios and way too busy playing with their lutes.
The year is 2030: All corporations have merged and every night before bed you say a prayer to your cable company.
She didn’t understand so I took her hands & looked in her eyes & said “I know this is a Starbucks but I just want plain black coffee idiot.”
“Check it out, I bought a shoot gun”
“You mean a shotgun”
“No not yet”
I gave all the neighborhood kids at the summer block party a whistle and was immediately asked to leave. That was easy.
be careful when u talk baby talk to a baby becuase if u dont understand what ur saying u may acidentaly be declaring war in baby langauge
*1941 movie pitch*
“So it’s about an elephant w/big ears and we call him stupid then torture his mother.”
Walt Disney, “I smell a winner.”
her: and what do you do?
me: I’m a mail escort
postal worker: I won’t tell you again, I don’t need you following me everywhere!
Me working remotely from home:
“Sorry I’m late to the Zoom, I got caught up in another *meeting that ran over.”
*moving laundry from washer to dryer
Marriage Tip: never go to bed angry.
Go to bed planning your opening rebuttal for the next morning.
Cleaning the rocks of the earth one load of my kids’ laundry at a time
[taking baby’s shoes off & examining the soles]
“Oh look, completely clean. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.”
[shows her my bedroom]
And this is where the magic happens…
[starts doing that trick where it looks like my thumb is coming apart]
Everyone secretly believes they could get out of quicksand.
I was under the false impression that my kids would stop elbowing me in the bladder after they were born
wife: Do you want a bowl?
me [eating ice cream out of the carton] Why?
I don’t have kids, so at night, my dogs lovingly place shards of bones instead of Lego’s on my path to the restroom…
Me: I’m so happy we are the first married astronauts to land on the moon
[later]
Wife: pass me the rock sample bags
Me: I thought you brought them
Couples costume idea: both people dress up as Robin then spend the whole night arguing over who was supposed to be Batman