art teacher: is that a bird or a plane
young clark kent: *crumples self portrait*
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This joke is 7 years old
If you don’t think Colorado needs a wall then you’ve never met someone from Wyoming
boss: your drug test came back clean
me: then my dealer’s got some explaining to do
boss: what
me: what
Playing “bad guy” with my daughter and she puts me in jail because “your tummy big”.
I guess loving a good burger makes me a criminal.
I’m not here for the attention. I’m just looking for victims for my next batch of ‘meat’ pies.
“Someone should really clean these gutters,” I say out loud, having lived alone for a decade.
I always carry a jellyfish with me in case a hot girl wants me to pee on her, but she is too embarrassed to ask.
Sensei: always expect the unexpected *pulls out picnic blanket*
Me: *instantly pulls out picnic basket*
Sensei: *hands me ninja diploma*
Life hack:
Use a pot lid as a shield when cooking bacon with no pants on.
[2052 pre-apocalypse]
Him: If only we had one of those old VCR cables, we could save the world
Me: (pulling out bin) SEE KAREN, I TOLD YOU WE NEEDED TO KEEP THESE CORDS
Pretty sure my refrigerator is having sex with itself from all the noises its making.
Congrats on your new baby. I remember a night where you drank a fifth of Jim Beam and crapped yourself. Glad you’re raising a child now.
any boring old meeting can become a seance if everyone works together
I see a lot of defense lawyers talking about how you should never talk to the police. This is not totally true. If you have prepared 3 difficult riddles they cannot answer, legally they have to let you go
On a scale of “glass half full” to “no plunger in your bathroom”, how optimistic are you?
Sherlock: You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper- no middle management. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Barista: *rubbing temples* Again, just say the name on the cup and say “Have a nice day.”
Algorithms aren’t omniscient, they’re more like aunties buying presents. “I saw you like rugby. Surely you must play golf, they’re both sports!” “You live in Paris. Would you be interested in traffic updates from Cincinnati, because they’re both cities?”
if i could teach my cat to go downstairs and accept my doordash delivery i would never marry
The cat acts like I’m interfering as she plays with a toy but that’s my phone charger!
I hope the mysterious food thief at the office enjoys the dog food marinara and Jello with my toenail clippings I made for him/her.
Pushed a 15 year old dog in a stroller and not once did she ask for Cheerios or a juice box.
My mom would probably complain in my funeral about how somebody’s son died better
Worried that one day pillows will take over and start making forts out of us.
I recycle jokes because I care about the environment, Samantha.
A thousand Milwaukees is a Bilwaukee.
*puts my hair in a ponytail
IG influencer: here’s why we don’t do that.
8: “Ugh having a mom is so stressful”
– My son when I asked him to hold the door open for me
Him: I think we should
Me: crack open a beer?
H: do something this afternoon
M: drink beer?
H: something outside
M: beer in the sun?
H: I was thinking more of
M: wine?
H: ….
the closest I’ve ever come to a threesome was when I was mowing the lawn and I got hit in the face by two dragonflies having sex in mid air
My dog loves to catch frisbees but she always loses them. My wife said she wondered where they go and I joked that coyotes are playing with them.
This morning we looked out to see a coyote on the edge of the woods, playing with one of the frisbees.