art teacher: is that a bird or a plane
young clark kent: *crumples self portrait*
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[invention of croutons]
Let me put a few bread rocks on top of your salad. Trust me, people in neighboring cities will hear you eating this.
One day you’re young and eating hot wings, the next day you have a favorite flavor of Tums.
Almost forgot…😂😂😂😂😂
Hot singles are in your area!
Hot singles are on your block!
Hot singles are in your house!
Hot singles are here to kill you!
worst place to be stung by bees is the club bc it just looks like you’re doing cool dance moves & sure u win the dance off but at what cost
You can rain on my parade but please don’t poop in my punch bowl.
8 digit bank passcode is protecting my 3 digit bank balance 😂
My granddaughter told me that her boss wanted her to sign up for a 401k but she told him that there was no way she could run that far.
The Onion called it…again.
I wish my ex could look down from heaven see my “look at me now” life!
but nooooo, he’s still alive
I’m not one to kink shame but I just found out my boyfriend has a new fetish for sleeping with other women.
They should use real bears in the Charmin commercials
A tall guy in movie theater just sat in front of me and he’s on a date so he’s going to have good posture the whole time this sucks
dam girl
Forgot to pack tights so I’m wearing yoga pants with my dress and a long sweater. I look like a crazy cat lady.
Breaking: It’s snowing where some people live and not snowing where other people live. More about this in 10 minutes on Facebook News.
I wore a training bra for years and these things still don’t listen to a word I say
Badger: I’m your Guardian Angel
Me: A badger?
B: They ran out of good ones
M: ..K
*I walk toward an oncoming car*
*Badger tears my face off*
Drove by a woman with her car broke down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.
me: [throws jacket over a puddle like a gentleman]
my date: why my jacket
Me in my 20’s: Bad to the bone
Me in my 40’s: Glued to my phone
Shout out to the unmuted lady in this Zoom webinar who has the hiccups and is highlighted as the speaker every time she hics
Others: if you want your house to smell like xmas take a pot of water & add sliced oranges,cinnamon sticks, vanilla, peppercorns, cranberries, forage for 3 pine branches and simmer all day
Me: lights xmas candle
employee: over 100 ppl were killed by the dinosaurs again
CEO: my God
[10yrs later]
CEO: what if we made a dinosaur theme park again lmao
My mind: You’re 18…
My body: …minutes from death.
5 just asked if I was older than Grandma so Christmas at our house is canceled.
The U.S. has more prisons than degree-granting colleges. How absurd. To fix that, we should merge some prisons and split up some colleges.
*sends love letter to boyfriend*
*awaits his reply by mailbox everyday*
*receives text with 👍*
*writes letter to IRS about his tax evasion*
Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.
Everyone compliments the jumpsuit when you wear it out—but when you get to the bathroom it’s just you and your choices