art teacher: is that a bird or a plane

young clark kent: *crumples self portrait*

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Nutritionist: Let’s identify those triggers that stop you from eating well, they could be subtle
M: I guess the main one is being awake


“Hey buddy, you wanna buy a harmonica?” I opened my coat and got hit by a gust of wind, making the worst sound in the world


Automatic doors don’t work when running full speed. I know that now.


Heard my mom tell my dad to “stop tossing her salad” at the dinner table and now I can’t look at either one of them without laughing…


Went to a bar. Ordered a drink. Waiter served it without ice. So I called him again & asked for it.

I kept sipping my drink while waiting for ice. By the time the waiter came with ice, I had finished my drink.

Moral of the story:
Just ice delayed is just ice denied.


*plans eclipse viewing party*
*buys special glasses*
*gets plenty of snacks and drinks*

*wakes up to pouring rain*
*goes back to sleep*


Instagram is down! I’m freaking out! What are you people eating? How are your pets? What the hell is happening???


Congrats to everyone who just got cast in the new Star Wars movie. The film industry is telling you they think you look like an alien.


interviewer: how are you with excel

me: i hate it

interviewer: an experienced user then


My co-worker said he’s bleeding out of his ear. “That time of the month?” I replied.

He’s not amused.