@WhaJoTalkinBout

art teacher: is that a bird or a plane

young clark kent: *crumples self portrait*

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@Smooheed

Nutritionist: Let’s identify those triggers that stop you from eating well, they could be subtle
M: I guess the main one is being awake
N:..

@pixelatedboat

“Hey buddy, you wanna buy a harmonica?” I opened my coat and got hit by a gust of wind, making the worst sound in the world

@The_JRM

Automatic doors don’t work when running full speed. I know that now.

@MiddleageM

Heard my mom tell my dad to “stop tossing her salad” at the dinner table and now I can’t look at either one of them without laughing…

@pooja_sinhaa

Went to a bar. Ordered a drink. Waiter served it without ice. So I called him again & asked for it.

I kept sipping my drink while waiting for ice. By the time the waiter came with ice, I had finished my drink.

Moral of the story:
Just ice delayed is just ice denied.

@junejuly12

*plans eclipse viewing party*
*buys special glasses*
*gets plenty of snacks and drinks*

*wakes up to pouring rain*
*goes back to sleep*

@theyearofelan

Instagram is down! I’m freaking out! What are you people eating? How are your pets? What the hell is happening???

@YoungNobler

Congrats to everyone who just got cast in the new Star Wars movie. The film industry is telling you they think you look like an alien.

@james_comics

interviewer: how are you with excel

me: i hate it

interviewer: an experienced user then

@StinkyGr33n

My co-worker said he’s bleeding out of his ear. “That time of the month?” I replied.

He’s not amused.