Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you need to rush somewhere, carry a fire extinguisher. Nobody will stop a person running with a fire extinguisher.

When my son handed me my wallet I realized something important.

He’s a pickpocket.

Birds shit on us because we tweet better.

I know we haven’t talked in awhile but I’ve been thinking about us a lot and I was wondering if u remembered the name of that burrito place

*slow jams playing in the background
Her: take off my pants
Me: oh my bad, right, ok I totally thought these were mine.

I once conjured a blizzard to get out of a “lunch date”.

I could easily defuse any bomb as long as the bomb squad guy told me what to do through the headset

Yesterday I went to the grocery store and I managed to come home without any junk food.

Now I’m mad that we don’t have any junk food.

my kid climbed into the tub fully naked and still I found leaves in there after

That eye roll….

While Taylor Swift’s boyfriends were exported overseas during the Trump years, only during Joe Biden’s administration were we able to bring this job back to the United States.

My new sunglasses blend perfectly with the color of my hair so I won’t feel so stupid the next time I lose them on the top of my head.

Got thrown out of the grocery store for holding a rotisserie chicken up like Simba again

I’m so excited, I just sold my first house. I’m not even a real estate agent and my neighbors are furious for selling their house without asking.

The cheese grader saw me walk in the house with a bag of shredded cheddar and shit got real awkward.

Another exciting afternoon in Cheltenham…

TRICERATOPS: I have three horns

QUINCEANERATOPS [proudly]: I’m fifteen

SPOUSE: I have to work late Thursday
OUTER MONOLOGUE: I am going to miss you
INNER MONOLOGUE: I am going to eat something very stupid

Know why Norway puts barcodes on their naval ships?

so when they return to port they can…
Scandinavian…

The easiest way to woo a girl is show up to her door with a loaf of garlic bread

[blind date]

HER: I just want to honestly know what’s in a guy’s heart

ME {trying to impress her}: blood

My new party trick.. I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my ass tied together….I shit you knot…

Just be thankful you aren’t quarantined with a roommate who has decided to work her way through the Taylor swift songbook on guitar, which she can barely play (me it’s me I’m doing that)

*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*hours pass*

Can’t, busy teaching a toddler gang signs.

Candlesticks, for when you want to be stylish but also might need a murder weapon.

Best things to pull:

9 Rank
8 Strings
7 The plug
6 The trigger
5 Your leg
4 Your head out
3 A fast one
2 Yourself together
1 My finger

Gramps’ head was chopped off by a helicopter blade and same with his dad and his dad before him. So no Rod, you can’t go to helicopter camp.