Art teacher: Take your seats, the model is ready
Me: *Disrobes and strikes a pose*
Model: Who the hell are you
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Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
Me: hmm that’s a tough one. I guess I’d probably have to say listening is my biggest strength
cars have windows and can move. houses have windows and can’t move. so it’s not the windows that make the car go, it’s something else entirely
The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen
The bar sign said
“WiFi password since1938”
And I was like wow that’s been your password for a long time
[swimming pool]
me: do you have family changing facilities?
clerk: yes we do
me: ok what can I get for 2 sons and a wife
My neighbor put alarms in his yard designed to scare squirrels & rabbits but the alarms go off every 20 secs & it’s maddening. He thinks they’re a frequency humans can’t hear (he’s 90 & near deaf). I pulled the batteries & he can’t tell they’re off. Am I going to hell for this?
Me: Make sure you close the bag.
My kids:
Neighbors of serial killers always describe them as “really nice” people.
Who else is a “really nice” neighbor?
Canada.
I’m just sayin’
My dog stopped digging after I told him he’s just gonna end up in China.
Scarecrow: why aren’t u scared of me?
Batman: why would…wait. do u think I’m a crow?
SC: ur not a crow?
BM: *hurt* No *quietly* I’m a bat
my only concern about UFOs is if they’re staying they should be paying their fair share in taxes.
I’m no heart surgeon but I have the most steady hand when scrolling through an ex’s Facebook page.
I thought stacking Oreos and displaying them in a decorative jar was a great idea, but I’m just eating them instead.
11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you
– cluckbait
Working from home really jumps up a level when your boss texts you to ask if you saw her email yet, and you’re at TJ Maxx trying on jeans.
Yes, I absolutely want to hear about your cat’s medication.
I’m haunted by unanswered questions, like after the clock struck one and the mouse ran down, what happened next
Umm..I don’t want to be “that inmate,” but could you tell the chef that this needs more salt.
“Susan, will you marry me?”
“Oh yes Johnny, yes! Yes!”
Ten grand later and it’s still the best prank I ever pulled on my twin brother.
Horton Hears a who?
Horton Hears a what?
Horton Hears a huh?
Horton hears a chicka chikca chicka chicka slim shady.
My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.
My daughter said she wants to run away. We talked. She knows she can walk. I wont chase her.
I just finished watching a Tik Tok that stated if you see a Big foot with evil red eyes you should run. I’m sitting here contemplating shouldn’t I be prepared to run from all Big Foots? Discuss.
[High School Reunion]
Him: I started my own Law Firm last year
Me: It took 2 months, but I convinced my wife Space Jam was a true story
Willie Wonka: Lickable wallpaper!
Oompa Loompa #24: We’ve done that.
Willie Wonka: But this time they’re laced with antidepressants!
Veruca Salt: The snozzberries taste like… like… *sniff* like I can forgive my mother…
Just told my kids they had to share. Now they are dressed in long blacks wigs singing if I could turn back time.
me: i’d love* to go to your neighborhood block** party, Carol, sign me up***
*hate
**gossip
***i’d rather eat worms
I mostly stopped responding to email three years ago and aside from various consequences it’s been fine
Some guys look classy carrying a flask. I look like a degenerate alcoholic, I dunno, maybe it’s my trackpants. Who’s house is this?
I’m feeling weak. I’ve got chills. With Valentine’s Day so close, love is in the air. So is the flu though. I sure hope it’s the flu.