Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just now walking down the street eating a banana, I spotted a woman at a bus stop, also eating a banana. To her horror & mine, I was physically unable to stop myself raising my banana to her in a sort of banana toast. She looked v confused then, adorably, bobbed her banana back.

Watching basketball while on the treadmill feels like reading a book about someone reading an even bigger & better book

Not to victim blame but if cat no want be held like baby then why baby sized

Until recently I thought cardi b was a type of sweater.

a perfect interaction just happened: a man at a bar came up to me and my friends and asked what we all did and I said I was a journalist and he said “oh like in spiderman”

Hi, I’d like to order a baby
“Excuse me?”
It says here you deliver babies?
“Sir this is a hospital”
[vampire quickly hangs up phone]

While the Americans are in a food coma, we should switch Twitter and Facebook displays around. Give their hearts a jumpstart.

Ironically, I hate people who say “like us on Facebook”.

Love your friends, crop dust your enemies in a crowded elevator.

Me[seeing snow for the first time]: Damn, that rain is thicc!

Anxiety: get ready
Me: for what?
Anxiety: Get ready.
Me: For what?
Anxiety: GET READY!!!!!!!!!
Me: Gah! FOR WHAT?

Keep the mystery alive and continue to surprise your partner by using chloroform to induce disorientation.

Husband: I’d rather sleep in the guest room than suffer another night on your new heated mattress pad.

Me: Wait. I’m getting my own room???

I found something called bath bombs in the cabinet and honestly I had no idea we were even at war with the tub

My daughter is late coming down to breakfast. Her 3 strips of bacon are getting cold. I mean 2 strips. Sorry, 1 strip. She’ll have cereal.

Whenever I hear “let me tell you the truth”, I secretly cross my fingers, hoping they say “brownies are healthy, eat as many as you want.”

Every time I look into baby carriages, there’s always an INFANT inside and never a very small, old-timey gangster smoking a cigar.
Disappointing.

Parenting is filled with wonder. Like wondering why your 4yo raced into the kitchen and quietly grabbed a handful of napkins.

I have complicated opinions on the death penalty. I think it’s wrong but I also think that owners of cash-only establishments should get it.

Just told my two kids that I love them both equally and the one with his shoes on the wrong feet totally bought it.

My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.

Therapist: They are NOT antidepressants

Me: All I’m saying is I’ve never been less than happy while holding a taco.

Therapist: FOR THE LAST TIME, I can’t get your insurance to cover tacos!

Me: Don’t yell at me. You need a taco.

I was going to do some yoga today, but had a donut instead

Trying to use the phone’s flashlight to look inside its own charging port.

Got McDonald’s today and when I was handed my soda the cup inexplicably cracked and spilled all over me so sometimes I really wonder if my ancestors offended a witch.

A guy in Hawaii survived a shark attack while surfing by punching the shark in the face and I get scared to take a shower if I see a spider.

The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.

I once told a guy that I was really into physics so he surprised me with a copy of Stephen Hawking’s A Brief History of Time and that was the exact moment I remembered the word I was looking for was psychics.

If they didn’t want to see me twerk at this PTA meeting they shouldn’t have asked if I had any skills I could bring to the table!

I am a Mother hear me roar…..especially when my kids decide to make a kite out of my granny panties and fly it down the street.