Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

the prophecy has been fulfilled

Two windmills were sitting on a hill. One asks the other, “Do you have a favorite song?”

The other replies, “Well… all my life I have been a heavy metal fan.”

Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.

Absence does not make the heart grow fonder.
Unless you’re talking about Oreos.

I got catfished by someone claiming to be Mark Twain.

My kids are watching Babe and my oldest asked “What happened to his mother” and I just slowly looked at the hotdog on his plate

My answer to most questions is an intelligible grunt, a flustered pointing motion, & a 3 hour nap.

[planning heist]
Me: then we access the vault
Guy: I don’t think they have a vault
Me [mocking]: yeah I bet they jus leave the Mcflurrys out

[first date]

Boy: so where are you from?

Me: [points to all you can eat sign]
I live here now.

Don’t expect me to tweet between 8 & 9 pm because that’s when I dress like Madonna for an hour and dance provocatively in front of my pets.

i’ve found my new favorite subculture

Petition to lower the retirement age. I’m tired now.

I never text and drive bc that would imply that I actually go places.

Me: Is…is this a toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Why did you hand me a toenail?
Kid: Because I want to take it home
Me: Is it YOUR toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Throw it out, please
Kid: No, it’s a part of me
Me: Do you save all your toenails?
Kid: No…should I?!
Me: DEAR GOD, NO!

WIFE: I’m pregnant

ME: oh god no

WIFE: I’m kidding

ME: I heard you the first time

*a movie that’s 100% studio logo animations but the audience doesn’t even notice until 30 minutes in*

alfred: you have emphysema

batman: how?

alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations

batman: oh

alfred:

batman: *slowly reaches for smoke bomb*

alfred: sir

I’m choking laughing omfg 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

WORKOUT GUY: Climbing stairs after leg day is the worst bro!

ME: My face hurts because I napped too hard on my face.

The block button is just the adult version of sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating “I can’t hear you” over and over

Who called it a French guy that has a cat rather than Jean clawed?

Daddy will my cockatoo go to heaven?
– Heaven is a place of serenity and joy, right?
*nods, wiping tear*
– Then Mr. Shrieks won’t be there.

Crossover ideas

– 50 Shades of Grey’s Anatomy
– Tiger King and I
– Orange is the New Black Mirror
– Captain Marvellous Mrs Maisel
– Breaking Bad Boys

Pete Davidson probably just knows how to load the dishwasher properly

Don’t worry, you’re not the first person to misinterpret my flirting as food poisoning

priest: [hangs up the phone after talking to his boss for over an hour]”okay, that took a lot of convincing but i managed to talk him round.. yes, you can marry a penguin”
me: “omg he’ll be so pleased”
priest: “wait, did you just say he?”
me: “yes”
priest: [picks up phone again]

MyChart App: You have a new message in MyChart

Email: You have a new message in MyChart

Text message: You have a new message in MyChart

Skywriter: You have a new message in MyChart

The Rosetta Stone: You have a new message in MyChart

YES

YES

YES

YES

YES

-me watching the pizza delivery guy on my GPS app as he gets closer to my house

Walmart is always a good place to see someone in the process of hitting their child.